BUILDING CONFIDENCE
Am I an Author?
Born to Write, Afraid to Publish
If you are a non-member, you can read this post for free via my Friend Link.
This past month, I’ve been reflecting on the trajectory of my life. Who the heck am I, and why am I here? Down in the depth of my soul, I always knew I wanted to be an author, but I never believed that I could be. So why am I stepping out of my comfort zone now?
During my 63 years of living thus far, I have worn many hats, but the ones I am most proud of are my mama hat and my grammy hat. Being a loving mama and a grandma has always been my life goal.
I was born in the 1960s. Throughout my teenage years, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wouldn’t have to think about it because I always knew my purpose. My answer would always be, “I want to be a wife and a mom.” I didn’t have any other career aspirations. I was going to a homemaker (secretly, I also wanted to be an author).
I was raised by a mom who had to work split shifts. I was blessed to have loving grandparents who cared for me and my brother often. However, there were other times we were left with my stepfather. My mom did not realize he was not an excellent babysitter choice.
My first stepfather was quite abusive, and that’s how I spent my childhood as his secret target. As a consequence, I developed undiagnosed, OCD and PTSD. So, it’s no surprise that I dreamed of growing up, having children, and being with them 24/7 to try and protect them.
I married at age 19, thinking I was a mature adult. I had three babies by the time I was 27, the youngest being my only son. He was born with Down Syndrome, and his birth changed my life and my focus. My secret desire to be an author would have to wait.
I was blessed to be home for 17 years raising my children. I even homeschooled them for a while as I bustled my son around to all of his specialists during his first three years of life. On the surface, all was well. I protected my kids, but I was unable to defend myself.
Sadly, after 17 years, my husband and I got divorced. It was then that I realized I only had a high school diploma and minimal work experience. How am I going to take care of my children? I needed to become employable and make some money. My dream of becoming an author will have to wait.
After I cried, a lot, I enrolled in a displaced homemaker program, and the fantastic teachers there helped me get started on my college journey.
It took me 18 years to complete my college, but eventually, I did graduate with a Master of Science degree in Special Education. My son is the reason I decided to study special education and become a teacher. My dream of becoming an author will still have to wait.
I became a special education teacher at the age of 50. While attending college, I spent years as a para-educator (instructional assistant) for other special education teachers. I loved that job because it allowed me to work closely with the students without worrying about lesson planning. Unfortunately, I couldn’t pay our bills on the salary I earned as a para-educator.
Once I became a SPED teacher, I realized the enormous responsibility I suddenly had heaped on my shoulders. I had never been in charge of others, and suddenly, I had a classroom of children with severe disabilities and four para-educators who looked to me for guidance. It was terrifying, and it took 100% of my attention. My dream of becoming an author may never come true.
In 2014, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and that changed my life focus again. Suddenly, I realized that at age 53, I could die! I was paralyzed with fear! What if these were my last years on Earth? And to think that I spent them being devalued as a human being more often than not.
After grieving the cancer diagnosis for a while, I decided enough was enough. I dropped to my knees and prayed. I turned my fear over to God. I committed my life to Him and pledged to live the life that would make Him proud. I was determined to make the rest of my life count for something. I was going to take my POWER back!
But first I needed to undergo a double mastectomy and several reconstructive surgeries. Praise God, I did not need chemo or radiation, but I did need to take medication to prevent the hormones from feeding the cancer. Still the dream of becoming an author had to wait.
I am proud to say I am nearly ten years CANCER FREE.
While I’ve been teaching for 13 years now, several of those years, have been spent out on stress disability. I have repeatedly crumbled under the pressure and responsibility of being a special education teacher. I have done my best because my heart believes teaching is my calling. I have book knowledge and real-life experience as a mother of a child with special needs. I want to be a teacher, but I am tired. Is now the time for me to be an author?
Regrettably, I cannot retire because I do not have enough retirement accumulated. I raised my babies instead of climbing the corporate ladder. I do not regret that even for a moment, but I do regret the way my attorney handled my rights to my husband's retirement when we divorced. That was another hard lesson learned.
So now, here I am in my early 60's, contemplating my life once again. I have always wanted to be an author, but I put everyone and everything, in front of that dream… until now.
On New Year’s Eve 2023, God gave me the confidence to take the first step on my writing journey. Now was the time for me to become an author.
I tried to start my own blog through WordPress in January 2024 (Journey Thru Survival). It was extremely frustrating, and I spent weeks trying to make it work. My dream of writing a blog nearly died right then and there. It was about that time that I learned about a supportive blogging community called Medium. I joined immediately and became a Friend of Medium. I went all in and paid for the year. Publishing my first article was terrifying to say the least, but I knew it was time.
Now, I’m on this journey with the rest of you. I am sharing my words, and my experiences. I want to ensure others don’t feel as alone and afraid as I did, and that gives me the courage to continue to write and publish my work.
Thank you for allowing me to be part of this publication and the Medium community.
If you resonate with my story and would love for you to join me on my recovery journey. Please Subscribe https://medium.com/@shaylarenee/subscribe and Follow. I would be honored to join you on your journey as well.
If you feel so inclined, please read my article for at least 30 seconds so that the system acknowledges you. I would also love to read your comments and greatly appreciate your 👏 claps.