Am I a Monster for Telling My Child My Love Is Conditional?

Should anyone be expected to love unconditionally?

I was reading this lovely piece by Leonora watkins the other day when I was struck by the line about how mothers are meant to love their children unconditionally. I agree with the point she was making in the article about loving and accepting your children for who they are.

And yet…

I have told my youngest child that my love is conditional. It’s not that I love him any less than his sister. He made a statement in a conversation we were having that amounted to him claiming I love him in that fashion. I had to think on it for a few moments before I told him that no, I don’t love him unconditionally.

He was flabbergasted.

Then I explained my conditions. If you become one of those incels that mass murder women. If you decide it’s your right to rape your spouse because you’re married. If you intentionally and habitually harm children. If you turn into any version of Andrew Tate, Trump, or Joe Rogan. If you make a fortune spreading hate. If human body parts are found in your refrigerator (or really anywhere in your house). I could go on, just because there are so many unlovable men in this world.

I told him, I honestly do not have the capacity to love you should you become so depraved. And don’t expect me to go through the motions either. I won’t be visiting you in prison. I won’t be spending any of my energy trying to reform you.

Conformity isn’t one of my conditions…

Now, I should note I have two awesome children. My youngest started putting himself between bullies and their targets when he was in elementary school, usually with some version of, “Pick on someone your own size.” Even when he was the smallest one there.

This was in no way a threat to get him to comply with something. Nor is it a reflection of what I think of him (again, he’s awesome). But he is neurodivergent and vehemently hates it when the adults around him lie to him. Like, he didn’t forgive me for lying to him about Santa for years. I’m forgiven now, as long as I don’t mislead him again. So, I told him this truth. He shrugged, “I mean, I’m never going to do any of those things, so we’re good.”

Getting offended on behalf of someone

Despite my son preferring this honesty and being completely fine with my position on the subject, other women have been gobsmacked by this revelation. Apparently, loving your child unconditionally is required (my mom clearly missed that memo). If you don’t love your children like you ought to, the least you can do is hide your failings. And how could you say that to your child?! You’re a monster.

I don’t agree.

I love and accept both of my children for who they are. Gay or straight, healthy or disabled, clever or simple, religious or atheist, it doesn’t matter.

I just won’t love and accept them if they are a monster.

What do you think? Are mothers really supposed to love their offspring unconditionally? And if you’re a mother (or father) who doesn’t love your children unconditionally, what are your conditions?

© Maevyn Frey 2023

Not yet a medium member? Sign up with my referral link to get unlimited access to stories like this one. The cost is the same for you ($5 per month) and I will earn a small commission.