Anxiety | Self | Mental Health | Life

Am I A Coward If I Have Anxiety

Or so I believed as a child even though I was never afraid when it occurred.

An old memory comes, to mind whenever I talk about anxiety — I was in a brawl with a friend, as a child. And this wait was pushing my heart, beating faster, pounding so much so it felt like I would faint. But I would keep on struggling to stay focused, and not let him hit me. As I blocked those punches, one after the other.

I never really hit the other one when I was a kid, people used to tell my father that I lose every fight that happens to me. I never really wanted to hurt them. I don’t know if they were tiring out calling it a win or a draw. While growing up, I believe I was the sensitive child, but still bold to stand up to the mean kid on the block. There has been a time, that the mean kid suffered a really bad injury to head because I hit back.

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus

That perhaps gave me anxiety, I never really knew my own strength as a child. That day he was picking on me, by throwing pebbles and rocks at me. I threw a rock in the air, and it magically landed on his head — he started to bleed and laid down on the ground crying. I panicked and ran — I came back home and hid under my bed. I thought I had killed him, my heart was beating faster than ever perhaps.

His mother came to my house and said to my mother, “your son hurt my son.” If I’m being honest, he had it coming. He picked on me for no reason at all, and when I did the same he got hurt and I am to blame for his indecent behavior.

After a while, a few years in I once got into a fight with another person. This time, in the middle of the fight I punched him so badly his teeth fell out. He fell on the ground, and some rage came over me. I kept on punching him, and then I stopped when he started to cry. He was bleeding from his lips, and I couldn’t bear it again. Even at that moment, my heart was racing but this time it wasn’t anxiety it was rage.

I backed away, and they took him to the doctor. I was blamed yet again for losing my cool. I even didn’t know my strength. After then I made an oath to never hit someone, and In every fight, I would defend. I would let them punch me, and I would defend — I learned martial arts to learn the art of defending with my legs. I would make the other tire out until the fight was over.

“Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety, after all it is only in the darkest nights that stars shine more brightly.” ― Ali Ibn Abi Talib AS

In those fights, whenever I would start to engage anxiety, hurting them would grab my heart and I had to struggle even breathing while facing them. The thought of what their mothers would feel, and so much more just caused to feel more anxious, I cared not to hurt them — I had learned that violence wasn’t the answer but they would tap into their rage and try to force themselves on me to show they were strong. I just defended myself in every fight, never I took the offense.

There are times, I took the offense and they seriously got hurt. There was a moment in my childhood, I believe I was a coward to not hit back. That I was a coward, to feel this weight on my chest. I, later on, realized that it was anxiety, I wasn’t afraid. It’s just my heart and mind were in a clash of their own. That struggle caused my anxiety to happen.

“I want to be the best version of myself for anyone who is going to someday walk into my life and need someone to love them beyond reason.” ― Jennifer Elisabeth

It is a good thing, I chose not to hit them. Instead, I always asked forgiveness even after the fight. I would apologize even if it wasn’t my fault. Because I cared too much for the people I fought with — I wanted it to be over between us. Some took it to heart, and some didn’t. It mattered because I looked towards change instead of vengeance. That was never my intention, Although you can conquer your anxiety — It can happen at any given time.

You have to be steadfast, breathe, and count to 10 sometimes. I would recite a prayer, whenever I would receive an anxiety attack during my fights that helped me to control my rage. Although, I always persevered there were times I tried to show everyone not to mess with me because I will hit them where it will hurt.

One of the many reasons why, your bully will be afraid — show him that you can hit back at least once. Kindness can be a way that you can hit back, but if I am being honest it is not always received with zest in this world. If that were the case, my dear friend — life would be so much sweeter but it isn’t and that’s the point because, In most scenarios, you will be mocked for asking forgiveness and even spat on.

Thus in some cases, you have to hit real good, to show yourself as well even if your intention is not to fight but to survive with your self-respect intact. Though I have had many fights as a child, there aren’t any wounds from those fights. The wounds that I have sustained are through my own choices and not through the attempts of people that tried to beat me in a fight.

“Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it — just as we have learned to live with storms.”― Paulo Coelho

Anxiety is an ongoing struggle for me, It is one that I have persisted through. One that I will persevere and control always. My advice to anyone who feels anxious, feel it all, and release it all. You will see your window of opportunity when its there in the open, channel it and use it to good use. I write nowadays, there are at times it does occur but I don’t let it affect me as I channel that feeling to good use. You should too.

Thank you for reading. Stay Blessed and Stay Safe!