Always Say the Truth — Or at Least Try Not to Tell Lies

How to navigate in life, a little piece of fiction. — Series: How We Can Fix the Imperfections, story #16

Hey there! All you young adults out there!

Yes, you! You, who are striving, who are asking: What’s the sense with all this? What’s the meaning?

Well, life is not easy.

The latest testimony of this truth — life is not easy — is an article I read today:

“ I’m 33 and I’ve Never Had Good Sex”

Subtitle: “Connection, communication, and safety are intimacies that seem out of my reach”

The writer is a 33-year young woman who writes about her experience in relationships and sex. To me, she seems deceived and disillusioned. Maybe with reason.

I believe there are many people like her. Women — and also quite many men — who feel like her. Never had good sex, never experienced genuine “connection, communication, and safety”.

It is very sad to think of it. But aren’t most people experiencing this kind of exile most of the time?

I think of Albert Camus, the French writer, and existentialist philosopher’s short stories, entitled, L’exil et le Royaume (1957) — The Exile and the Kingdom. The book’s title seems to me to be a good verbal image or representation of life itself:

Life is, I believe, by most people, much of the time experienced as an exile.

Most of the time we are not living the euphoria, in our bubble of happiness. It isn’t for nothing that we often use this image: Being in love can be like living in a bubble.

Most people have had the luck to experience the fantastic feeling of being in love. The experience of falling in love is, I believe, common to most people. If we have luck we also experience good sex with the person we’ve fallen in love with.

When this does not occur, it is sad. And it is often a sign that you should not go further on the road together with that person. You should not start building the relationship of your life with him or her, because erotics and sex are, in almost all cases, mandatory parts of a good relationship.

There are many ways we can approach the topic. One of them is the retrospective. Another one is the look to the future.

I choose both, the first as a reference, the second as a way to visualize the road that lies ahead.

Should I divorce?

is the heading of one of my series of articles here on Medium. This story is part of this series.

When I write this, I think of the article I just read, written by this young woman, Rachel, 33. She seems to feel betrayed by life. Life hasn’t given her what she expected. Orgasm — yes that’s the word in focus.

In addition to words related to intimacy, like connection, communication, and safety. That’s what’s missing in her life, she feels. And that’s also what’s missing in my life, I can sometimes feel.

Everyone should experience this at least a few times in their lifetime: connection, communication, and safety.

Everyone should experience this intimacy.

Intimacy and orgasm in that same setting, orgasm together with connection, communication, and safety.

I feel sympathy for this young woman, 33 year of age, who writes her frustration in stories on Medium. And NO! I am not joking. I am not trying to ridicule her writings.

What she does, is courageous, brave. She puts words to a general, common experience for many humans. We talk too seldom about these issues. The space orgasm has in our lives. In our thoughts, orgasm has a broad, large space. In our practice, in our lives — orgasm has a far too small space!

I believe we all are longing for that emotional condition, that state of mind and of psychological balance: Being in harmony with ourselves, and with another human, closely connected, living day by day and feeling the connection.

It is called love.

Falling in love.

Being in love.

It is the gift from Life to the humans.

A wonderful gift to all women and men.

Feeling connected, a deep relationship with another human.

Looking at the person and hear yourself say: I love her.

With all her faults, all her deficiencies, her irritation, her lack of insight — when I take a step back I can say I feel I understand.

She is the one I love, I say to myself.

And that’s the bonus of life. The bonus of life is to have experienced love at least a few times in a lifetime. This deep, fragile connection with the other human.

She who lies at your side in the bed. She who has chosen to share her days and nights with you. Nights of burning emotions, orgasm and clitoral climax — this never-ending convulsive sensation that leaves you there afterward, lying helpless, like a shivering leaf on the ground.

Happy to know you’ve had it, once more. Once more you had the privilege to come a little closer to the deepest and the most hidden space inside yourself, you could sense a little bit of the meaning of life, the deeper sense of being here.

The human experience. Being a human on Earth, for a limited amount of time — that’s what it is all about.

I know that I can feel good with what I have had. I have had my share. My share of it all — pleasures, orgiastic desires, feeling of happiness.

But I have also had my share of the other part: abandon, loneliness, tragedy. The feeling of being totally useless, deep down there, nothing worth.

Now, at the place where I am in life, with maybe 5, 10 or- if I am lucky — 20 more years to live. What are my lessons learned? What is my perspective?

I have learned this: My perspective is now, here, where I am. At the same time as I am in my past.

I carry my past with me. All of it, although it is rarely visible to anyone else. My pain, my losses, my defeats. They are there. I carry all of them with me. I carry them in the hidden spaces inside of me.

But I try to direct my eyes towards the present, and also a little towards the future. I try to do what is wise, what is healthy and good for me and the nearest ones around me.

I have lived a long relationship — 33 years together with a woman. The relationship has given me both sweetness and harshness, both exaltation and bitterness.

But what I shall never allow myself to forget, is this: I am grateful, because we had love. We met and we had wonderful things together. We had good times, we learned from each other. We helped each other. We had an influence on each other. That’s good!

I think of it as a good life. What we have had together, is a mostly good life.

We have had communication, connection, and safety. And intimacy, building each other up, stretching towards the goal, striving towards the summit, reaching the top, finally, orgasm.

Orgasm in a context of deep connection, wordless communication, and safety. Safety of the surroundings, of course. And the safety of the feelings, the emotions. Knowing each other so deeply after all these years together. I know who she is. She knows who I am. Mostly. She does not know all of me. But I can tell she knows me. She knows me a lot.

I know I’ve had luck!

I know, I know.

All these years together. I know it is not obvious. This feeling, this safety does not come from itself.

Before this, I was in another relationship, for more than 15 years. It was a relationship that was not good for me. From my experience now I know that life, and a relationship does not have to be like it is with us, in our 33 years long relationship.

Think of it. A relationship that has lasted for 33 years! After years of happiness and joy. After years of deception, anger, and frustration — we can find back to each other, we can reconnect. After some difficult years, we can find a new connection, built on what we have had together.

A new connection! It is fresh, and it is vulnerable. It is a young connection, because we are young in our minds, although we are two old bodies.

We can clearly see that! We don’t speak too much about it. Instead of doing the talking, we do. We live, and we practice. We learn by doing. Less talk, more listening and observation. Connection, communication with our senses, and safety.

The safety of knowing each other so well. Knowing that she is the person she shows that she is. I can be myself, with some important adjustments to her needs, to her sometimes authoritarian ways of addressing me. “Do this! Do that! No! Not that way! Listen, YOU!”

With the help of the years that have passed, I learn little by little. To adapt and accept. And I learn to stand up and meet her. Sometimes stand up against her. I learn not to let myself be overwhelmed and invaded by negative feelings when she overrides me. I have learned to wait and to observe.

Now I am confident. We have had our 33 years. We are going to have more years I hope. More years together. She will come to me at night. I lie in the warm bed. I can hear the small noises when she is in the bathroom. It takes a lot of time.

Then she comes into the bedroom. Like a shadow she moves around the bed, she lifts the bed blanket, she is here, close to me, near me. My naked body is waiting. Her naked body comes near. There is a connection, communication. All senses vigilant. And there is safety.

The safety of knowing that we are here now, once again we will enjoy this precious moment. Her arms around me, again we will enjoy this beautiful moment. My naked body, my naked arms on her naked shoulder, the soft skin of her belly, her hip close to my nakedness.

She is here again, I can give myself over to her. We are all senses open. She touches me. I am big already. She holds me. She lets me touch her most intimate parts. I can feel she enjoys the moment.

She wants more, more. She holds me. I can feel the explosion inside of me. The well is flooding. Suddenly there is an explosion of pleasure, it floods up inside me. I can hear her scream silently inside of her, as the convulsions rise and lift us up where we long to be.

Together. She and I, silent on the bed.

In conclusion

Pay attention!

Show gratitude.

Say thanks!

Open yourself to the human close to you.

Be grateful for what is good. Don’t be resentful.

Open up, listen to the movements of her or his mind. Feel the words he or she is saying.

Listen!

Listen to the words behind the words. Words without sounds. The sounds of silence coming to you from her. Coming from him to you.

You can never be one with her or him, but you can always try to come closer.

You should always try to approach your partner, your lover. Strengthen your common relationship, cultivating and growing a higher union of your souls.

Life is not meant to be easy, life is not meant to be happy.

Happiness is the small spaces in time we experience, these moments when our pain and suffering is at a distance.

Always say the truth — or at least try not to tell lies.

Don’t fool yourself.

Look the truth right in the white of the eye.

Find the calm inside of you.

It’s your life.

Search in silence for the meaning.

“You are lying to make your world become precise. Precise as you have your life I also do that. (Joachum Thåstrøm: The Chaos Passenger)

“Man ljuger för att få sin värld å bli. Precis, Precis som man ha sitt liv Det gör också jag”.

(Joachum Thåstrøm: Kaospassageraren)

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