Squirrels, Animals, Nature, and Humor

Although Squirrels Win Battles, I Will Win the War

Gray squirrels test my mettle as they eat the food intended for birds

“This town is infested with squirrels, have you noticed?”

“I’d rather say it’s rich with squirrels.”

― Elizabeth McKenzie, The Portable Veblen

Idelight in the sight of gray squirrels that scamper through and around my backyard. Sometimes, four of five of the critters chase each other in circles and figure eights. Just as often, they get the best of me.

As a writer, I attempt to limit adverbs and adjectives and write with an active style. However, sometimes these modifiers are unavoidable. For example, the squirrels in the yard have earned these adjectives from me: sneaky, tricky, clever, agile, acrobatic, voracious, wary, frustrating, and quick. Okay, I could add cute, playful, and handsome, too.

Some individuals have leveraged my generosity to become obese. Even so, they jump, climb greased poles, contort their bodies to hang upside down and gnaw through cages filled with suet, devouring them in one session.

But what about the birds? I hung bird feeders and suet feeders in the yard to attract and feed avian friends, not squirrels. I don’t mind if the squirrels eat a little birdseed, but they consume nearly all.

The squirrels have tested my patience, resolve, and unconditional love for them. However, I am determined not to give up. I will prove to these rodents that I am clever and tenacious, too.

It’s time to fight back. The squirrels need to eat only their fair share and leave morsels for the birds. I will make it so.

“Problem solved. Case shut.” — The author

With winter fast approaching, I hung a suet feeder from the Japanese tree lilac. In summer, its fragrant blossoms brighten the yard. I watched as downy woodpeckers and sparrows fed on the block of energy for seconds before the squirrels chased them away. The tree’s dense branches made the suet easy pickings for crafty squirrels. Within two hours, two squirrels had consumed the entire block of seed-filled animal fat.

Not to be outdone, I greased a steel post with petroleum jelly and hung the suet feeder from its hook. But somehow, the ever-hungry squirrels overcame their dislike of the jelly’s texture, climbed the post, knocked the feeder to the ground, opened its tightly-clipped door, removed the suet, and ate it within the hour.

I had another idea. With pliers, I closed the hook on the suet feeder. Indeed, a squirrel could not knock the modified feeder from the post. Then, I refilled the feeder and hung it atop the pole.

Problem solved. Case shut.

“Allow me to add the word ‘strong’ to the list of adjectives.” — The author

The next morning, I peered out the back window, sure that the suet feeder would be hanging from the post and would contain a partially-eaten suet block.

I was wrong. The feeder hung from the post, but its door was open and the suet was gone.

A squirrel had pried open the door of the tightly-closed cage. The suet had fallen to the ground below. The rodent had devoured the block. So allow me to add the word strong to the list of adjectives.

The squirrel had won.

Yes, I have reviewed many squirrel-proof feeders but am left wary of their effectiveness. So, it’s time to implement a new plan to force the squirrels to eat their fair share and leave some food for the birds.

“I will make the squirrel-proof feeder and fill it with birdseed. The birds will eat, and I will win.” — The author

I have equipped myself with several library books filled with plans for building birdhouses and bird feeders. At least one of the books would include a plan for a squirrel-proof feeder, I thought to myself.

I leafed through the books, reviewing every feeder plan. Finally, I spotted a feeder that features bars to prevent squirrels from reaching the seeds piled within.

I will make the squirrel-proof feeder and fill it with birdseed. The birds will eat, and I will win.

“Although squirrels win battles, I will win the war.” — The author