Finding Porn Alternatives That Are Not Made for The Male Gaze

The lack of imagination in mainstream porn didn’t turn me on. I needed more.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a total wuss when it comes to pornography. While I’m all for everything pro-sex, I can’t get myself to enjoy the explicit imagery of the mainstream sex industry. Different strokes for different folks —and I prefer not seeing the strokes.

As someone who writes about sex, my lack of excitement for different kinds of X-rated content is almost embarrassing. Hollywood movie scenes that only imply that sex is happening (or about to happen) are a lot more arousing to me than a full-blown porno flick. It’s difficult for me to find that same excitement in explicit, full-frontal gang bang footage. For me, they leave a lot to be desired — quite literally. Call me vanilla, but there is something arousing in what is not shown.

This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate sex work immensely. I wanted to support the industry in a way that suited my needs. I needed more than what was being made for the male gaze. In the process, I found ways around my porn-queasiness and confronted the shame I attach to female pleasure.

Tickle my ears, please!

Who says we all have to watch porn? I found audio porn in quarantine when I wanted to explore new ways of finding pleasure. I was tired of seeing the rough and sexist imagery of the mainstream porn industry. I decided to literally close my eyes from it.

Sight deprivation heightens your senses during sex and this is true for audio porn too. Your mind is the most valuable player of your pleasure but visual porn often numbs it. Because you’re not utilizing your strongest sense you focus more on sounds and sensations. This leads to more pleasure, and who’s not up for that?

For many people, the mystery of lingerie, clothing, and teasing can be more arousing than seeing the act point-blank. The same goes for getting the audio cues and imagining the rest. The stories automatically involve the imagination and let you do the fantasizing.

In audio porn, you can affect many aspects that you can’t in visual porn. When you’re listening, you can imagine the features, body types, and races in the stories. Often, you can even choose the genders and accents of the voices. And of course, there are dozens of categories to find a story that fits your fantasy.

My favorite part of audio porn is that I’m in control of the kind of imagery I see. Mainstream porn is catered to a male audience, and the bodies we see in it often reflect that. With Instagram, celebrity culture, and constant advertising, we could all do with fewer bodies to compare ourselves to.

It’s all in the writing

A viral TikTok describes books as “literally TV in your head”. Books take us to worlds and private places that we never have to share with anyone. That’s the beauty of written erotica.

I stumbled upon written forms of pornography at a young age on the Internet. I lost touch with erotica for a decade, until realizing the power of written sex scenes in reading fiction. Okay, yes, I may or may not be talking about Fifty Shades of Grey, but that’s beside the point. There is a reason why that book sold millions — and it’s not the writing or the plot.

Erotic literature is one of the most underrated categories of media for arousal. It connects the physicality of arousal to your mind in a way that visual porn often cannot. By reading your porn, you create an intimate moment with your own body and mind, that is not distracted by visual cues. Moreover, erotic literature creates a journey to arousal. While porn (especially soft porn) can do this plot building too, it can often feel too produced and perfected to be believable.

Similarly to audio porn, you’re the director of the story. You can engage your imagination and add in your fantasies, turn-ons, and preferences, in the privacy of your own mind. This can make porn feel more participatory instead of it being something you’re observing from the sidelines. There is also often more to choose from in regards to the plots and powerplay. As mainstream porn is often made for the male gaze, it tends to present the woman as a submissive object of pleasure instead of an active agent in her desire.

Written forms of steamy sex encourage our minds to be the first (and most important) stimulator of arousal. This can be immensely helpful for anyone feeling detached from their bodies or having difficulty with desire. Moreover, there is a slower buildup and no time constraints, which makes the reader the director of the story. Less pressure, more pleasure!

The morality of masturbation

I’ll admit that thinking about the ethics of the porn industry while trying to get aroused is not the hottest combination. Whenever I was browsing on adult websites, I found myself stressing about the contracts and consent of the people on the films instead of focusing on my own pleasure. Knowing about the lack of regulation in the industry, I needed to find an ethical solution.

I solved this moral conflict by looking into ethical porn. Ethical porn (also known as feminist or fair-trade porn) concentrates on the rights of the performers and crew in a way that mainstream porn often fails to do.

Moreover, mainstream visual porn is produced for the male gaze. Many ethical porn companies, however, are owned by females and cater to a mostly female audience. This type of porn seeks to depict pleasure in more diverse and realistic ways. It’s mind-blowing to see porn that is made for your pleasure.

When it comes to non-visual porn, we are also on the right track for ethics. While the production lines of audio porn are just as difficult to trace as visual porn, it has democratized the making of porn. Many audio porn companies are also female-owned and cater to women. Moreover, consent has been the basis of audio porn for years. While we can’t know for sure, if audio porn is the answer to the ethics crisis of mainstream porn, as a newer industry there is hope for better discussion.

It’s safe to say that written erotica doesn’t raise as many ethical questions. Different stories and narratives do normalize ideas, behaviors, and reproduce the structures of our society. Still, fiction doesn’t have as many direct material consequences as the porn industry that works with real people and bodies.

When I removed ethical worry from my experiences with porn, I could focus on my desire instead of thinking about the malfunctions of the sex industry. Whether you enjoy visual or audio porn or want to try out erotica, there are a lot more options for the ethical consumer.

Dismantling shame

A big factor in why I find visual porn unsatisfying and even gross at times is the shame I’ve attached to it. I didn’t watch porn until my late teens, because I thought of it as wrong and restricted. In my head, porn was not for women. With that thought came an idea that pleasure was not for women, either. I had internalized the idea that porn (and ultimately sex) was only for men.

It took me years to learn that watching porn was very common and a healthy expression of sexuality. It says a lot about our society that men only have to find porn, but women also have to find out that they are allowed to watch it. With this slow process of acceptance, I’ve learned to accept that I’m a sexual being. I enjoy sexual activities that stimulate my sexual self. And I’m worthy of pleasure.

We still see women as sexualized beings that rarely have sexual agency. Often our participation in sexual acts is acceptable only if it relates to male pleasure. Because female pleasure and sexual agency are shunned, many women feel a disconnect between their bodies and their minds. I have been able to exercise that connection through these new forms of porn. Because I’ve encountered my pleasure mindfully and in a safe space, I have heightened my arousal. The fact that I can read or listen to erotica in the privacy of my own head makes me feel less shame about it.

When I decided to grab my porn fear by the balls, I didn't anticipate that I would be addressing decades of internalized shame. Through my exploration of alternative porn, I confronted the shame I attach to consuming it. While I’m still learning to accept my body and mind as sexual beings, removing a lot of the shame and ethical battles has helped me find my arousal.

Seeing imagery of sex that is not made for the male gaze has been groundbreaking. Similarly, with audio porn and erotica, I was able to fulfill new fantasies without seeing the degrading imagery of mainstream visual porn.

From now on, I refuse to be subject to a discourse that demeans women into satisfiers of male sexuality. I need more realistic depictions of female pleasure. I am tired of seeing women as sexual objects instead of agents. And wow, am I glad to do my part in deconstructing patriarchal structures as a consumer.