Alone at Christmas

On celebrating my pariah status

In a world that rewards predatory behaviour, in which every exploitation, and greedy excess is celebrated, it takes a combination of skill, intellectual insight and moral fortitude to stand alone and say, ‘no thank you’.

My pariah status has become quite deep-rooted. I know I’m supposed to feel ashamed, upset, gnash my teeth and wail at so many people’s rejection of me. But actually, I’m quite proud of my pariah status. Wasn’t Jesus too, a pariah from the moment he was born to the unwed Mary to the end of his life when he was crucified between two ‘common criminals’ ?

This year, thanks to the covid virus ensuring I get more time to think and reflect and get my mind further out of group think, I’m adding to my already well-established pariah status. So, I’m not going to exchange cards stating the obvious (that I wish you health and other blessings).

At a time when it’s more obvious than ever before, that we need trees to grow bigger, grow better, to absorb carbon emissions, shield us from noise and vehicle pollution etc etc, I’m not going to be part of the market forces that involve the slaughter of one of the evergreen trees grown for that sacrificial purpose. I affirm that I never have and I never will, drag a chopped-down tree inside and place poisonous plastic baubles and glittery garlands that will end up as landfill or throttling sea life.

Unlike my neighbour who’s festooned the outside of his house with flashing, blinking lights from top to bottom, I am keeping to my usual practice of lighting a couple of candles at dusk. So I won’t be contributing to the surge in energy useage, leading to less availability for the next generations’ essential energy needs.

I will also not be partaking in ordering a ton of extra food, half of which would likely go to waste. In fact, I’m sticking to my one meal a day, eating around 4.00pm. I will likely have extra hot drinks to keep warm, but as usual, they’ll be no alcohol, whether hot or cold.

Despite this image you might be drawing of me being a killjoy, in fact, I’m generally glowing with happiness. I recall as a student, my landlady saying, ‘I’m going to find out why you are always so bubbly and upbeat’. I realised later, when she went through my stuff in my room while I was out, that she thought I was on some drug, but in fact, I’ve never sought such chemical-based highs.

I really think my joyfilled ‘set point’ is due to my conscience being very very clear. My philosophy teacher commented once, ‘ You are so transparent, people can’t believe it and think it’s a pose’. At the time, I didn’t understand that the majority of people filter their thoughts. That most people hide their true feelings. Their actions do not match their words, and their words do not align with their thoughts. Not realising this in a deep way, meant that yes, I got tricked and taken advantage of sometimes. Well… ok, quite often! Assuming sincerity in others, because you are being sincere yourself, can bring lots of trouble.

So, yes, I admit it, I’ve been in hot water wherever I’ve gone. But most especially in my parental home. Actually, it was there that my pariah status began to form. In my experience, asking questions is generally treated as a kind of moral crime, punished with the silent treatment in all authoritarian structures whether of the family, academia or workplace dynamics.

The Collins dictionary defines ‘pariah’ as ‘any person despised or rejected by others; an outcast’.

I gotta say, I feel a deep kinship with pariahs wherever in time or space they may be. Perhaps Jesus is the most famous of pariahs. He himself predicted his closest and dearest would deny and forsake him. Overturning the tables of the moneylenders did not endear him to those with power in his society. You know, eventually, he was crucified by the power occupying his native lands?

I wonder how many people these days have spent a lot of money, borrowed on high interest rates, to pay for having a ‘good’ Christmas? Ironic, isn’t it? The money, borrowed on 24% APR’s will be an additional payment they will struggle to meet next year, along with the doubling of gas and electricity bills, higher food and transport prices and inflation increasing far beyond wage rises. The moneylenders, now called bankers and future traders, have only gained in power and status since Jesus’ time. The Catholic Church has got rich from fleecing the ‘common’ people, often called, ‘poor’. Usually they have been rendered poor by the greedy elites and their stooges. And if you talk about child abuse within Church or wherever, as the great singer Sinead O’ Connor dared to do, well, don’t forget how the Church-going people in the USA tried to silence her, destroy her career and bankrupt her.

Looking around, I do wonder who loves their neighbour in the Western world, the supposed domain of, ‘Christendom’? Down my street here in the UK, few neighbours even know each other well enough to talk to one another, let alone ‘love’ them.

The hypocrites in religious garb have fooled us, reversing by their actions the words they mouth about Peace on Earth. How many of them are protesting about their taxes being used to kill and occupy the lands of Palestinians and other marginalised people of colour, like Jesus also experienced in his time?

So I’m proud to be a pariah, like Jesus, like say, Sophie Schon, or Dietrich Bonhoeffer and many hundreds, thousands, of other people of a clear conscience. If you haven’t noticed, the types of fascists who beheaded the young Sophie, are returning. Maybe in fact, they never went away? Maybe they just changed uniforms and put on white collars and white lab coats. How many millions have died, as Europeans occupied lands far beyond Europe , and then claimed to be ‘advanced’ societies, while robbing everyone else of their resources at the point of guns, bombs, nuclear terror? This is the West’s ‘advanced’ status? ? This is ‘development’ ?

Speaking truth to power including at Christmas time, refusing to go with the flow, despite being dismissed from teaching, exiled from my Muslim relatives, and defriended by Quaker friends who asked me to lie for them (I refused), gives me great peace of mind.

I don’t have high blood pressure, nor am I obese or in debt to anyone. I exult in my physical good health, mental clarity and light-hearted spirit. Best of all I’m enjoying my free time away from people who I slowly realised, not accidentally but sadistically, seek to bring me down.

Instead, alone at Christmas, I am relishing the peace-filled space of my home, staying up late, connecting with like minds, through my writing, and drawings and readings on Medium and elsewhere. I sigh with contentment. Accompanied with the scent of essential oils like frankensence and ylang ylang, I’m sleeping well at day’s end.

Thank you for reading. Please share your insights and experiences with refusing conformity to wrongdoing.