MARRIAGE IN CABO

All the Things I Mean When I Say “I’m a Cool Guy” in My Dating Profile

Who wouldn't marry me?

I have watched YouTube videos of every Olympic swimming competition since 1896. I don’t know how to swim. But I know how to drown — effortlessly.

I can make you delete my comment instantly on your Instagram post. I won’t say anything creepy or sexy. But you will delete it. It’s my superpower. Now you know.

Watch me adopt a lilac cat, a lavender dog, a striped hyena, a star tortoise, a silver ferret, a ruby rabbit, a beige hamster, a brown kiwi, and a white human baby all at one time. See how cool — and responsible — I can be at the same time?

I can watch all five sets of a tennis match on TV — without taking a piss break. I have enormous stamina. I don’t actually play tennis. But I’m an ace at video game tennis, in which I do take a piss break every two sets. Every set if I lose the set. 15, even 20 minutes. That’s how I get into your head.

I’m a strong advocate of women playing five sets just like men. I’m all about equality — and stamina.

Did you know? Women were first allowed to participate in the Olympics swimming competition in 1912.

I know how to make wild mushroom risotto without watching any YouTube video tutorials. The best part? It won’t kill any of our pets because pets are too smart to taste it.

I know exactly what happens to Mario in the Super Mario video game when he eats each type of mushroom.

I can watch porn for hours — all sorts — without taking a piss break for eleven hours straight. How am I at sex? I know how to suck — at performing.

I have 479 days language learning streak in Duolingo. Both Norwegian and Japanese. The green Duolingo owl is obsessed with me now. The green owl last night actually said “Srini! You rock! I love you!” — in both Norwegian and Japanese.

I can smoke magic mushrooms without watching gangster porn or playing Super Mario.

I know how to spell “unconditional love” without ever needing to find unconditional love or Googling it.

Sixteen years ago, a cute, then-brunette girl named Sophie wrote a comment on my Facebook profile picture — “You’re a cool guy! Please don’t quote me on that.”

I don’t snort when I sleep, not to my knowledge. Our pets will be extremely safe in the house — unless the white human baby snorts.

Netflix and chill? I’m at my most intense when I watch Netflix. I only watch Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer story and any similar shows Netflix recommends. I’m a monster. A cool monster. I’m not a serial killer, though. But, now that I think about it, that would make me even cooler.

My favorite fruits are avocado, raspberry, and kiwi. I have constipation issues. Constipation is chronic. Nobody ever talks about it. It’s awfully painful. Not the constipation. The silence.

Did you know? One avocado has 13g of fiber, one cup of raspberries has 8g of fiber and one cup of kiwi has 5g of fiber— with skin. Also passion fruit. I love passion fruit. Always been passionate about it. Why? 25 grams of fiber per cup.

I’m perfectly capable of making open and honest discussions about climate change, constipation, monsters, and wild mushroom risotto — all at the same time, without smoking magic mushrooms.

I have more than 179 connections on Facebook. LinkedIn? Even the LinkedIn system has lost count. Instagram? I have lost count. Duolingo? My green owl has lost count. How many times cute brunette girls named Sophie have blocked me on Tinder? They have lost count. I’m kind of a big deal — and very humble.

I genuinely hope that if you have constipation issues, you don’t know how to cook wild mushroom risotto.

I’m perfectly capable of maintaining a 1903-day streak on Snapchat with you. If you don’t take my word for it, ask my green owl.

How many countries have I traveled to in my life? My passport has lost count.

How many times I have kept count in my life whenever I’m keeping count of something? I have lost count of keeping count.

If we cross 10971 days of steak on Snapchat, we’re officially soul mates. If we cross 20192 days, we’ll get married, which will be witnessed by our striped hyena, star tortoise, my green Duolingo owl, and our white human baby together. Dinner will be served with high-fiber oatmeal and the dessert will be kiwi cake. From the kiwi fruit, not the brown kiwi bird.

If you lose the Snapchat streak before that, consider that I’m done with you — for good.

Assuming you haven’t broken our Snapchat streak of 20192 days, our marriage will be in Cabo.

Cabo has lots of pitaya fruit, which has a strong flavor and kiwi-like texture. Pitaya is one of the most expensive fruits in the world. When we’re in Cabo, it would be a steal.

Because we’re going to steal a minimum of nineteen tons of pitaya fruit to sell outside Mexico. Preferably in New Zealand. Why? Kiwi birds only live in New Zealand. Because they’re flightless.

“Who wouldn’t marry you? Don’t quote me on that.” — The green Duolingo owl, in Norwegian

“I will marry you in a heartbeat. Never been to Cabo. Please quote me on that.” — The blue Mario from Super Mario

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini

A special thanks to the real coolest guy T. Kent Jones for his stellar edits.

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