All The Rocks In My Aquarium
Linda, maniacally: If I don’t get that rock back by tonight, I’m calling the Pennsylvania Real Estate Commission and report you for — DISCRIMINATION!
#10 Real Estate Man
This little line of dominos started falling when Real Estate Man first moved his office into Center City ,Philadelphia. Expanding his business and feeling stressed out, he tried to think of a way to relax (this was before yoga was invented and mindfulness was in anybody’s cerebral cortex — any meditation).
A thought hit him — Goldfish!!
On his way to work the next day he stopped at World Wide Aquarium and got a couple of gold fish, a large bowl and all the food and fixings. He arranged and installed the whole inspiration that same day. It DID help restore his emotional equilibrium a bit. There’s something about seeing the aimless but graceful meandering of the fish was relaxing for Real Estate Man.
The real estate business was in the midst of the summer crush; summer being the prime season for renting apartments in Philadelphia. Real Estate Man had just hired 2 additional handymen to ready apartments for the large influx of students that were soon to become tenants. These 2 were twins Nicky and Rodney.
Real estate Man needed the help. The twins were kids of a business associate. Their dad thought they needed some real world experience. Nicky and Rodney were in their early 20’s and were recent college graduates. If they were like their father, they were destine for a favorable outcome in any field they would eventually choose. Their first month on the job was a success and Real Estate Man was assigning them jobs with more and more responsibility.
Goldfish, twins working, lots of action on the leasing front — things appeared to be going as smoothly as they have potential to go in the real estate business.
Until:
Linda was a fine arts student at Temple. She seemed like your typical student tenant by all observations.
She needed to pick up her keys before moving in to a beautiful 1 bedroom on Samson St. Her apartment was in the heart of the area in which all her fellow students wanted to be.
Linda and Real Estate Man had welcome to Philadelphia small talk in his office.
Until:
Linda noticed Real Estate Man’s goldfish bowl. “I like the way you’ve set up your fish. Aren’t they beautiful?”
Real Estate Man thought these comments were sincere. Linda seemed to have a genuine interest in ichthyology although she possibly may have been making small talk. The degree of Linda’s interest. was answered quickly when she followed up with, “I have a big aquarium in my apartment, you ought to come over and see it. It’s really neat”
Choosing not, at that point, to explain to her the clause in her lease that bars aquariums over 10 gallons in apartments, Real Estate Man had mild interest in seeing her aquarium.Those things don’t break and flood often. It was worth a look however — maybe when he next was in the building on another matter.
The following week Real Estate Man had to observe an eviction in Linda’s building. Why not combine being an aquarium tourist with playing deputy to the sheriff?
The eviction went as well as a negative thing like that goes — nobody wins.
It was soon time for aquarium viewing. Real Estate Man entered Linda’s apartment. Incredibly the aquarium was positioned smack in the middle of her living room as if her interior decorator was Jacques Cousteau.
The monstrosity wasn’t up against a wall as most aquariums usually are. It was one strange sight in the middle of the main room.The elaborate fish tank took up most of the square footage of Linda’s living room dominating.
A couple of things made this aquarium wonder a sight to behold: it’s remarkable size and the fact the decorative rocks in that reservoir were painted redder than Ronald McDonald’s hair. Every rock was painted, large and small. What an overwhelming sight!
Real Estate Man’s story:
Later that afternoon, I called Linda. Through voicemail screening I left the message asking her to call me — I’d seen her fish tank. It was — impressive.
I received a fishing for compliment call from her the next morning. “How about those red rocks?”
Me continuing in the same complementary vein as in the last call: “It’s impressive.”
Linda a 1–2 punch: “ Hey Real Estate Man, my bedroom window won’t close and it’s been raining in for the past week, could you sent somebody over to shut it?”
Me: “Sure, I’ll send Rodney”
Later that day I dispatched Rodney to shut her window.
Early next morning, I entered the office to a ringing phone.
Linda in an elevated voice: “Was anybody in my apartment yesterday?” She ignored the window, obviously now shut. She KNEW somebody was in her apartment yesterday.
Me: “Yes Rodney was there.He shut your window. Remember, you asked for someone to do that?”
Linda too emotionally involved to answer the question: “Someone took a red rock from my aquarium. The biggest one! The rock the fish love. I WANT IT BACK!!”
Me not feeling her pain but giving her complaint some consideration: “ That’s awful. I’ll check it out with Rodney as soon as I see him.”
Later that when Rodney returned to the office after troubleshooting all day in apartments.
Me: “Rodney, how’d it go with the window over #45 ,Samson yesterday?”
Rodney: “ Window is good now, easy peasy. But check out that aquarium? It’s the biggest I’ve seen outside of the city of Camden. And what’s with the red rocks?”
Me: “Rod, I’m almost embarrassed to ask you this but did you notice anything missing from the aquarium? A rock or something?”
Rodney: “Who in their right mind would want an oversized red rock? Ugly.”
Later that day Linda called. It was — unpleasant.
Linda: “What did Rodney say about taking the rock?”
Me firmly: “ I directly asked Rodney if he closed your window. He said he was there and closed your widow. He denied taking any rocks from your aquarium. He thought the aquarium was nice though.”
The rest of the story:
Linda manically: “If I don’t get that rock back by tonight I’m calling the Pennsylvania Real Estate Commission and report you for — DISCRIMINATION!
Whaaaaat? Not a threat to take lightly.
Linda’s apartment was empty in a couple of days. Thankfully, the Pennsylvania Real Estate Commission threat was an empty one. Never did have a chance to set things straight with Linda. Apparently she got some muscle and moved out kit and caboodle to another place. Broke her lease. I kept her deposit.
What an odd story; but wait, there’s more!
After that, Nicky and Rodney worked for me a couple more summers. I’m still friendly with their dad.
Rodney got married a few years later. I was invited to the wedding. I was proud to attend, I liked those kids.
The wedding was lovely. The reception was held at Rodney’s apartment. It was lively. Rodney and his new wife were leaving for a honeymoon trip to Jamaica straight from the reception.
As the happy couple were departing and the reception crowd followed them out to the limousine bound for the airport I had a chance to see their apartment. Without the chaos of crowds.
Interesting — there in the corner was a 5 gallon fish tank. In it, along with some guppies and neon tetras was — one oversized red rock — I decided now was not the time to bring it up.