Celebrity culture
All The People Worth Ignoring
Try as you might, you can’t avoid these people
I’ve never once watched anything Kardashian-related. I don’t watch Tucker Carlson or any other FOX blowhard. I barely watch any TV; I prefer to read my news. Kanye West? Ugh, no, yet somehow I know he changed his name to Ye. This is idiotic and I don’t need any more idiots in my life; I have enough already, thank you.
I haven’t followed pop culture since I was in college, which was some time ago. So my knowledge of celebrities comes from magazine covers in the grocery store check-out aisle and sponsored ads on social media, thus proving that Big Tech doesn’t know quite everything about us, or they wouldn’t bother trying to get a click out of me with celebrity news.
This is a list of the people that I — an older Gen-X non-celebrity-follower — is aware of mostly against her will, and the possibly odd and definitely irrelevant things I know about them.
Yes, I already know I sound like a cranky old lady in this piece. Full disclosure: I am a cranky old lady. There is no need for you to leave a comment letting me know I am old and out of touch. I was old even before I was old.
Lady Gaga: I don’t know her music, but in the Before Times, I once heard a song on a jukebox and thought it wasn’t bad and when I checked it was hers. But I didn’t like it enough to seek out any more of her stuff. I put off getting some Rilke poetry tattooed on my thigh because I read that she has Rilke tattoos, and I didn’t want anyone to think I copied her. In the end I got the tattoo anyway because I’d been dithering about it for a decade and it’s not like very many people ever see the top of my thigh. Or know who Rilke is. Or read German. Or give a shit.
Ariana Grande: Is all that hair hers? I know she dated Pete Davidson, who I actually sort of liked for his screw-up and screw-you individuality on SNL, until he started dating the K-word, who seems to be all about vacuous conformity. Come on, Pete. Really? Oh, and I don’t know anything about Ariana’s music. Nothing personal. It’s rare for me to like anything but punk that’s older than she is.
Mark Wahlberg: I thought he was a terrible singer, inasmuch as he didn’t sing old punk music, but he’s a good actor.
Jay-Z: Didn’t he cheat on a beautiful woman? I googled him and learned he apparently is married to Beyonce. WTF Jay-Z? Even I have heard of Beyonce. I don’t know her music, but I know she’s gorgeous. Why the hell would anybody cheat on Beyonce? Did she kick him to the curb? I hope she kicked him to the curb. (Pause while I google again.) She apparently did not kick him to the curb. Damn.
Beyonce: I’m sorry I don’t know any of your music, but you must be very talented if even I’ve heard of you. I am aware you’re known as Queen B. Queens shouldn’t be subjected to being cheated on (and neither should anyone else). It’s not too late to kick the cheater to the curb. I know some nice men who would appreciate you. Let me know if you want me to fix you up.
Jennifer Lopez: She’s nearly as old as I am but looks half my age. I’m not sure which of us has the bigger ass. It’s gotta be close.
Serena Williams: I don’t care about tennis. I was more interested in reading the details about how she nearly died after giving birth because American maternity care is substandard. She’s right. Americans have the worst and most expensive maternity care in the developed world. You’d have to give birth unattended in a filthy hut 100 miles from a hospital to have a more dangerous experience than what you get in most American hospitals, and the American way of birth is even more dangerous for women of color.
Rihanna: According to the magazine I saw at the grocery store, she was the victim of domestic violence. I sure as hell hope she’s with someone better now. Celebrity or not, nobody should be unsafe in their relationship.
Ed Sheeran: I saw him in the Beatles movie Yesterday and learned from someone also watching the movie that he’s actually a real celebrity. He wasn’t just playing one in the movie. Huh. I principally liked that movie for the fantasy moment when John Lennon was alive. Now there was a celebrity. Terrible husband and father, but one of my all-time favorite musicians ever, even though he did not sing old punk.
Taylor Swift: My daughter likes her music. I like that Taylor has taken on the Big Music Tech people, and I love that she sued a radio DJ alleged to have felt her up. Good for her. It appears she takes no shit, and I like that in a person. I know I’ve read a few essays she’s written and think she’s fabulous. I still don’t know any of her music, though. It’s my understanding she sings pop music about ex-boyfriends. I may have mentioned I prefer old punk, especially dark stuff about death and drugs. Maybe she could do a re-make of the Jim Carroll Band’s People Who Died. I love that song.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Weirdly, I know practically nothing about his personal life. I prefer it that way. Here’s something you probably don’t know. He played Jim Carroll in The Basketball Diaries, showing how Carroll went from a basketball star to a heroin addict to a rock star. Carroll eventually got clean and made some amazing music, and if you like old punk at all, you should click here and listen to some of it. DiCaprio probably shouldn’t be on this list. His latest role in Don’t Look Up actually had some great stuff to say about vacuous celebrities; his character momentarily got caught up in dumb culture worship before remembering who he was just before the world ended.
Post Malone: I don’t know what he’s a celebrity for, but I assume it has something to do with having been assaulted by a toddler with a Sharpie. Is that face graffiti going to wash off?
Katy Perry: Cute but no punk. She was married to the very hot crazy guy. I can’t think of his name, but he was hot enough to make a pretty big serving of crazy worth it, I’d have thought.
Oprah Winfrey: I saw her show a few times in the late 1980s. I’ve picked up her magazine a few times and thought it was pretty good. She presents quite a problem for all those folks who claim overweight people just lack determination and will power. She’s a highly accomplished lady with enormous talent, vision and dedication. If even she has trouble with her weight, what are the chances of someone like me managing to stay slim?
Angelina Jolie: I mean, she’s a gorgeous actress. I’ve seen several of her movies. She seems to like babies as much as I do. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Brad.
The English Royal Family: I will admit to having watched The Crown on Netflix. It left me with an overwhelming feeling of pity for the queen and every other royal. What a stinking horrible life the royals have, and who can blame the ones who recently got fed up and noped out? Who wants to be an automatic celebrity just because they were born into a certain family? Besides the horrible Kardashians, I mean.
Mostly, I’ve just proven to myself, I know more about these people’s relationship dramas than their actual work, because that’s all the magazine covers focus on. So I’ll ask you again: Who in the hell would want to be a celebrity?