TERRIBLE SHAG

All of the Near-Raging Experiences I’ve Had This Week

To tame my temper, I attended an online meditation class

🙎🏻Monday

9:11 A.M.: At work, fully caffeinated, I accidentally replied-all to an email in which the Vice President asked all the managers to give a performance review for each of our interns. My reply was — “My intern Angela was a terrific shag. 6 out of 5 stars.”

11:41 P.M.: While ninja-stalking my ex-girlfriend’s Instagram, half-caffeinated, I inadvertently liked her picture that was taken when she was 7, which was posted on October 6, 2010 — the day the Instagram app was launched.

🙎🏻Tuesday

10:31 A.M.: At work, incensed Angela deliberately replied-all to my email. Her reply was — “Thanks. But Srini was a terrible shag. 0.001 out of 5 stars.”

10:32 A.M.: The amazing Amazon Alexa exasperatedly answered, “How stupid are you? That’s impossible!” to my perfectly reasonable question “How to delete Angela’s reply-all email without a trace?”

10:46 A.M.: The amazing Amazon Alexa exasperatedly answered, “How stupid are you? That’s impossible!” to my perfectly reasonable question “How to pretend both Angela and I did not send reply-all emails?”

🙎🏻Wednesday

7:12 P.M.: Stuck in gridlock and running late for my second date with a red-headed girl. I deserted my Tesla in the middle of the freeway and darted for six miles, only to receive this text — “No more dates with you! Didn’t you know Angela is my step-sister?”

9:47 P.M.: Despondent over losing my potential soulmate for good, I went to the horror movie “Talk to Me.” The grumpy old man who sat next to me munched Jalapeño popcorn loudly throughout the film, which frightened me more than the film did.

🙎🏻Thursday

11:51 A.M.: At work, I was the first one to join the Microsoft Teams meeting and I was forced to sit alone awkwardly, without being caffeinated.

11:57 A.M.: Angela was the second person to join the meeting.

11:59 A.M.: She and I sat looking at each other, waiting for our colleagues to join us. For some reason, they never did. So we ended up sitting in radio silence for the entire eighty-seven-minute session, in which I pretended to meditate, which ironically did not bring me peace. But it did bring me a decent nap.

1:13 P.M.: Angela looked at me fake meditating and she laughed at me, not in a way to imply — “You are hilarious,” but in a way to imply — “You are a joke.”

🙎🏻Friday

6:12 P.M.: To reduce my almost fit of fury, I attended a calming meditation class, where the blonde woman beside me kept grunting contentedly throughout the session. When I politely asked her to stop grunting, she arrogantly made subtle sexual noises.

7:51 P.M.: Running late for my first date with a brunette — my potential soulmate, I sped on a Lime scooter with no helmet, risking my life, only to receive this text — “No date for you! Why? I was that red-headed girl. Angela is still my step-sister.”

🙎🏻Saturday

9:19 A.M.: During my flight, I realized halfway through the film “Fifty Shades of Grey” that the toddler twins behind me were also watching this in-no-way-appropriate R-rated film.

9:51 A.M.: To tame my temper, I attended an online calming meditation class but seventeen seconds into my session, the flight’s complimentary Wi-Fi stopped working.

9:57 A.M.: While attempting to meditate without Wi-Fi, the toddler twins behind me resumed “Fifty Shades of Grey” on my screen without my knowledge and kept making subtle sexual noises.

🙎🏻Sunday

10:41 A.M.: I made eighteen different kinds of toast at brunch that were eleven weeks past their expiration date. To make it worse, the crunchy peanut butter, Nutella Hazelnut and Scottish Three Berry Preserve jam I spread on all the toasts didn’t help.

10:57 A.M.: The amazing Amazon Alexa exasperatedly answered, “How stupid are you? That’s impossible!” to my perfectly reasonable question “How to pretend I did not just make that brunch?”

11:13 A.M.: I attended an online meditation class again with my jet-speed home Wi-Fi but I abruptly fell asleep.

11:47 A.M.: I dreamt that the toddler twins, the grumpy old man, and the fake red-headed girl — my potential soulmate — joined the Microsoft Teams meeting with me and Angela, in which the toddler twins were munching Jalapeño popcorn throughout the meeting and Angela was making subtle sexual noises. All five were laughing at me fake meditating, not in a way to imply — “You are hilarious,” but in a way to imply — “You are a joke.”

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and maybe Srini

A special thanks to T. Kent Jones who’s been my anger management coach since I was 2. His favorite color? Red.

If you either attend an online meditation class or have grumpy toddler twins, read ANY of the titles below while munching Jalapeño popcorn: