All LGBT People Should Support Sexual Sovereignty

Homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, genderfluid, nonbinary, genderqueer, nonconforming…we’re truly all in this together!

Last week, Prism & Pen editor James Finn challenged our community to self-reflect as part of a writing prompt. He asked us to consider the following question, which I’ve paraphrased into my own words:

How can Queer people become better allies to other Queer people, within our community as a whole?

It’s a thought-provoking query, and there are undoubtedly many examples. But why not start with the basics?

Our sex lives.

That’s the main reason why the heteronormative world seems to have such a problem with us, right? Because we aren’t dutifully raising traditional nuclear families according to 1950s-style gender roles, teaching our children (if we have them) to replicate such performances for the rest of eternity…

Gee, who wouldn’t want to live their entire life as a robot?

I immediately thought back to college. I was out to my fraternity, and my Brothers were almost universally accepting of me (with the exception of a few alumni). I realize this made me extremely lucky, as my circumstances weren’t necessarily the norm for Queer men in college fraternities.

Anyway, I had met a gay peer online in my college town, and he (a non-student) and I struck up a platonic friendship. I say “platonic” because at no point did he ever express anything resembling romantic interest in me, or vice versa. During the summer of 2003, I was looking for people to help a fraternity fundraising event by working security at a local summer music festival. (Our chapter was small, and we didn’t have enough guys to work all of the slots they needed filled).

Kyle (who is now deceased) volunteered to help us out with our staffing emergency. I met him for the first time in a diner (I was accompanied by Chad, one of my heterosexual fraternity brothers; Kyle was accompanied by his platonic heterosexual female friend, Amy, who had also agreed to help out at my fraternity’s fundraising event) before we headed over to the fraternity house. We were talking casually about our LGBT community, and, at one point, Kyle opined how he regarded bisexual people as being merely confused about what they want sexually.

Even though he and I were both gay men, I disagreed with his viewpoint. I gently said to him:

“I just trust that people who identify as bisexual know themselves well enough to determine their own sexual orientation. You really can’t decide that for them.”

Unmoved, he quipped:

“My mama always told me: if you can’t say anything nice…”

And he trailed off, obviously not wanting to get into an argument with me.

In hindsight, I do wish I had been more vocal and assertive defending my bisexual sisters and brothers. But what I was too meek to express back then, I can at least shout from the rooftops now.

To all homosexual people who share Kyle’s misguided worldview that bisexual people are lost and indecisive: please be better than that. Yes, many of us are exclusively attracted to people of the same sex. And we know that heterosexual people are usually only attracted to people of the opposite sex. So why is it so hard for you to believe that many people would likewise be attracted to a mixture of sexes and/or genders?

Aren’t you imposing a rigid binary edict upon bi people, the same way that so many straight people have imposed theirs onto us?

But, on the other end of the spectrum, there are many bisexual people who seem to think that EVERYONE is inherently bisexual (Abby Morgan, a rebellious character on the classic teen angst drama Dawson’s Creek, once affirmed this perspective). That too is wrong.

Even though I don’t personally know what it’s like to have simultaneous attraction to both women and men, I believe bisexual people when they attest to how their attractions work. Yet lots of Queer people seem to embrace the Abby Morgan philosophy that nobody is 100% attracted to either sex. For those of us gay and lesbian folks who are ONLY attracted to people of the same sex, it isn’t very supportive or compassionate to accuse us of being “in denial” about our “suppressed bisexuality”…or to sneer at me that I allegedly view myself as “a gold star gay.”

Many people are attracted only to people of the opposite sex. Many people are attracted only to people of the same sex. And probably many more people are attracted to people of both sexes. This is called a spectrum. Deal with it, please.

The same thing applies to cisgender people (of all sexual orientations) who believe that transgender people are “confused” or suffering from mental illness. As someone who is still learning from transgender individuals about their vast array of experiences, I’d never claim to understand the oppression faced by those who were assigned to the wrong body at birth. All I know is it’s important for me to continue to learn more, and to realize that trans people aren’t a monolith.

In that same vein, there are some transgender people (alongside many of their self-described cisgender allies) who insist that everyone should be omnisexual — in other words, that genitalia (and sexual attraction based on genitalia) shouldn’t be a consideration when deciding with whom one will pursue romantic or sexual relationships. Witness their spiteful weaponization of the term “genital preference” to discount cisgender people who are genuinely only exclusively attracted to people with either the same (if they’re homosexual) or opposite (if they’re heterosexual) anatomy.

We all are seeking different factors when trying to find a life companion (or multiple sexual partners, if you’re polyamorous). Why can’t we just leave it at that? Don’t broadcast what you’re looking for, in venues outside of the dating scene or courtship opportunities — but, likewise, don’t attempt to use those same venues for shaming those of us who refuse to identify with omnisexuality (i.e., attraction to people of all genders and orientations).

Pansexuality is somewhat related to omnisexuality, although pansexual people tend to see beyond gender-based differences, whereas omnisexual people are appreciative of gender diversity while open to the widest possible range of romantic partnerships.

As a cisgender gay man, I’m still learning a lot about misunderstood subgroups that fall under the LGBT+ umbrella. For example, I’m learning that nonbinary people and genderqueer people can be similar in terms of how they feel both masculine and feminine, and, therefore, don’t consider themselves strictly male or female; but genderqueer identity is distinctive in that it’s more of a political statement and very prolific. In fact, there’s a variation of genderqueer identity known as being bigender, where the individual may possess rigid-but-coexisting gender identities that don’t fluctuate.

Meanwhile, there are agender people who possess a lack of gender identity. This is different from gender nonconforming people who simply decline to adhere to heteronormative gender roles — and even heterosexual people can identify as such. If someone is genderfluid, they may fluctuate daily as to whether they feel masculine, feminine, both, or neither. Again, there tends to be less personal rigidity in the gender expressions of genderfluid people when compared to those of genderqueer people.

Being agender and genderfluid fall under the nonbinary umbrella; genderfluid involves the fluctuation between genders, whereas agender means absence of gender. A genderqueer identity can overlap with the nonbinary umbrella, while genderfluidity is only one aspect of the nonbinary spectrum.

Other terms of which I’m educating myself:

Asexual — people who experience a lack of sexual desire; they still have active hormones, engage in masturbation, and feel romantic attraction…but that attraction is rarely (if ever) sexual in nature

Genderflux — people whose sexual intensity regularly diverges, as a variation of genderfluidity; in this respect, on some days they may identify as one gender, while, at other times, they can feel agender…or sometimes somewhere in-between

Intersex — people who are born with anatomical elements of both ovaries and testes, to various degrees; depending on the individual condition, appearance of genitalia can differ from what is normally recognized as “female” or “male” anatomy

Demisexual — people whose sexual attraction to another person hinges moreso on a strong emotional bond or interpersonal connection, rather than on hormones per se

Sapiosexual — people who are primarily attracted to the intelligence or expression of another person, rather than to aesthetics or their physical body

Ecosexual — people who share physical intimacy with nature and earth-based matter

Two-spirit — people from Indigenous cultures who have either same-sex attraction or gender variance, such as both a feminine and a masculine essence simultaneously inhabiting their bodies

And then, this tantalizing question: does the “Q” in LGBTQ stand for “Questioning” or “Queer”…???

Why not either/both?

For those of us who came out to ourselves at earlier ages within our lives, compared to other Queer people (who didn’t come out until they were older) — we enjoyed the privilege of attaining such clarity. But, admittedly, regardless of when we came out, we all continue to experience the shared oppression of being rejected by society for falling outside of heteronormative standards.

So, let me ask every LGBT+ person this question: why can’t we all just support each other? With more education, we can come to better understand any of these terms, sensations, and obstacles with which we might be individually unfamiliar.

We shouldn’t be trying to quantify our comparative oppression. Instead, we should be finding ways to lift each other up. We should want all of our Queer sisters and brothers to experience healthy sex lives based on consent, reciprocity, and happiness (for themselves, for ourselves, and for other members of our community).

Being cisgender, I can’t know what it feels like for someone who is transgender to transition. But I can stand up for their bodily sovereignty, for quality health care that will meet their needs, and for them to be viewed as full human beings.

By that same token, I can’t experientially claim to know what it’s like navigating the world as a nonbinary, genderfluid, or genderqueer person. But, due to how we do share the stigma of being considered outsiders for failing to adhere to cishet rigidity, I can still try to learn from them and ask questions (if the person is comfortable answering them, of course) as a way of broadening my interpersonal knowledge.

I’d hope that other members of the LGBT community, who fall into different categories from my own, would show me the same courtesy…if our ultimate objective is to create a world where everybody can be safe and sexually-fulfilled.

So my plea to everyone who identifies as LGBT+ is very simple:

• *DON’T* get bogged down in judgmental scorn, when someone else’s hormones or nonpredatory attraction differs from yours
• *DO* show support toward your friends, relatives, colleagues, peers, and acquaintances when they desire healthy and consensual elements for their sexual and/or romantic lives
• *DON’T* tell another member of our community that they’re somehow mistaken about their own sexuality or gender identity.
• *DO* proactively support the increased availability (and that doesn’t mean “exclusivity”) of gender-inclusive restrooms and changing areas, along with more expansive health care to meet the needs of patients of every gender identity

Our strength arises from our solidarity. Our solidarity is based on the maximization of sexual, romantic, spiritual, and cerebral happiness. And that happiness will emerge when we embrace sexual consent, divine awareness, and emotional diversity.