All I Want in Life Is More “Jalen vs Everybody”

A brief review of Jalen Rose’s fun new ESPN show, and a preview of 9 more fictional episodes we’ll never see

Jalen Rose is always looking for a funny joke or a story to drop, and he’s never afraid to be on the receiving end of the joke either. That’s the Jalen Rose captured perfectly in the new ABC show Jalen vs Everybody that aired its pilot this week on ESPN. Rose played with the renowned Michigan Fab Five before spending 13 years in the NBA. He’s now an ESPN personality, appearing daily on Jalen & Jacoby and on programs like NBA Countdown.

Jalen vs Everybody is a sitcom about Rose’s fast-paced ESPN life as a single working father of two (though he has three children in real life). Rose worked with Nahnatchka Khan from ABC’s Fresh Off the Boat and the two team up again here with Rose as co-producer and playing himself in the lead role. All of the ESPN personalities also play themselves, though Jalen’s family members are all actors.

Well, almost all of the ESPN personalities play themselves. Jalen’s podcast partner in crime Jacoby is played hilariously by Mad Men’s Harry Crane (Rich Sommer) who hits the perfect witty and neurotic notes, spending the entire pilot worried their show is getting cancelled when they find out the president of the network wants to get drinks. Real-life Jacoby gets a brief cameo as a waiter on one of Jalen’s outings in a wink to the viewers.

The cameos come hot and heavy in a pilot that features ESPN personalities Michelle Beadle, Ramona Shelburne, Sage Steele, Hannah Storm, Jemele Hill, Rachel Nichols, and Doris Burke along with NBA players Tracy McGrady, Chauncey Billups, Draymond Green, Larry Bird, and Kobe Bryant. There’s a “quick bite” with Larry Legend that turns embarrassingly into hot dogs at a Shania Twain concert and a Twitter beef between Jalen’s girlfriend and Draymond Green. One of the pilot’s brightest moments comes when Jalen encourages his daughter Samantha to be more like the women he works with at ESPN, only to find the always-wonderful Rachel Nichols sporting a red blazer with cut-offs and flip-flops — not exactly the professionalism Jalen was pushing his daughter toward. “Northwestern journalism school on the top, Florida State on the bottom!” quips Nichols.

Jalen vs Everybody is funny and self-deprecating, as Rose gets to the jokes at his expense before his critics can. Jalen is annoyed at his Twitter mentions, then miffed at the attention Tim Duncan gets when he visits ESPN studios. No longer a professional baller, Jalen is still playing the game — and so are his mom and grammie, always calling in to give Rose critiques about his on-air presence and brag about Duncan’s steely eye contact. The show even fits in a heartfelt moment with Jalen and his son Nathan, referencing fatherhood and Rose’s own upbringing. It’s a charming and funny sitcom, one where everything always seems to loop back on itself in the most hilarious way possible, a sort of sportsy Curb Your Enthusiasm.

The funniest moments of the pilot reference one of Jalen’s most memorable nights in the NBA — though not for anything particular he did. Rose was the defender in 2006 when Kobe Bryant scored 81 points against his Raptors, and longtime Jalen fans know this as a real thorn in Rose’s side. So of course Jalen is live on the fictional NBA Countdown set when news breaks that the Los Angeles Lakers will unveil a statue honoring Kobe at the Staples Center — and it’s glamorizing Bryant’s 81-point night, with a grimacing Rose failing in defense at Kobe’s feet.

Jalen’s colleagues can’t help but chuckle at Rose’s expense, and the joke is punctuated in the pilot’s final moments when Jalen is dismayed to run into Kobe at an L.A. restaurant. Kobe orders a vodka martini when the waiter stops by and, upon being asked if he wants any olives, he answers wistfully, “Yeah… 81.” Leave it to Rose to take his most embarrassing NBA moment and put it on display in his sitcom debut.

Jalen vs Everybody is lighthearted and hits all the usual sitcom notes. It’s very inside-baseball in a way that will reward the biggest NBA fans, but it remains accessible and fun for any viewers. Unfortunately ABC and ESPN apparently don’t agree because they failed to pick up Jalen vs Everybody for the season. For now it looks like only the pilot may ever be seen by viewers, and even that has proven impossible to find online so far (please link in the comments if you can prove otherwise).

Luckily, I’ve gone ahead and mapped out the rest of the season for you. Here’s a brief preview of the remaining nine episodes of Jalen vs Everybody Season One. With any luck, maybe we’ll still get to see them all some day soon…

Episode 2

Jalen is left with the kids for the weekend and brings them with him to Bristol for a podcast taping, where his daughter Sam ends up teaching a grumpy Zach Lowe how to use Snapchat. Hilarity ensues.

Episode 3

Jalen is miffed when ESPN 30 for 30 films Lucky Number Thirteen for draft night about NBA greats stolen with the 13th pick, highlighting Hall of Famers Karl Malone, Hal Greer, and Kobe Bryant, 70-point scorer Devin Booker, dunk champ Zach LaVine, and feuding playoff opponents Kelly Olynyk and Markieff Morris — but never once mentioning his name.

Episode 4

Jalen travels to Washington D.C. to have “Got to Give the People What They Want” legally trademarked but finds the copyright already taken. He traces it to an enterprising 15-year-old blogger from Chicago who eventually agrees to trade him the trademark for #gtgtpwtw animation rights and a signed jersey — from Reggie Miller.

Episode 5

Jalen considers quitting ESPN when his request to do a podcast with longtime friend Phil Simmons (played by Matthew Perry) is turned down abruptly by upper management, but Jacoby helps the two record a secret game night Periscope and everyone moves on.

Episode 6

Jalen is initially dismayed when Sam visits for Bring Your Daughter to Work Day and ends up stiffing Rachel Nichols and Cassidy Hubbarth to spend all of her time with Jalen’s assistant Becky and decides that’s what she wants to do with her life. Later he shares a heartfelt moment with Becky when he realizes she’s not only an assistant and a friend — she’s family.

Episode 7

Jalen gets into a Twitter feud with Russell Westbrook when Russ calls him out publicly as the worst dressed man in NBA Draft night history, culminating with Russ paying Brian Windhorst to dress up as a donut emoji and follow Jalen around ESPN campus all day taunting him.

Episode 8

Jalen’s mom and grammie stumble upon Kevin Durant’s MVP acceptance speech and FaceTime Jalen demanding to know why they didn’t get a public shout out as the real MVP when Jalen got his one MVP vote in 2000.

Episode 9

Jalen is filming a Fab Five: Where Are They Now? documentary when he’s interrupted by a call from the school counselor about his son Nathan’s newest shenanigans. When he angrily yells at Nathan to go straight home to “timeout,” Chris Webber overhears and goes into an apoplectic seizure.

Episode 10

Jalen is back home for the week working with his Jalen Rose Leadership Academy when a call from his assistant Becky lets him know that ESPN has hired NBA legend Larry Brown to come on as executive producer and that Jalen has been benched indefinitely. The season ends on a cliffhanger.

Follow Brandon on Medium or @wheatonbrando for more sports, humor, pop culture, and life musings. Visit the rest of Brandon’s writing archives here.