Summary

The author discusses their experience with increased sexual thoughts and encounters as a means of coping with the grief following their mother's death.

Abstract

The article delves into the complex relationship between grief and sexual desire, as the author navigates the loss of their mother. Despite societal expectations that discourage such thoughts during mourning, the author acknowledges and embraces their heightened sexual urges as a natural part of their grieving process. They find comfort and connection through sexual encounters, which serve as a temporary respite from the overwhelming feelings of loss. The author emphasizes the importance of not judging oneself for these feelings and notes that others have shared similar experiences, as evidenced by studies on "grief sex." The narrative also touches on the impact of the pandemic on the gay community's sexual expression and the author's personal safety protocols. Ultimately, the author encourages individuals to grieve in their own way, without shame or judgment, and to accept all feelings, including the desire for physical intimacy, as part of the healing process.

Opinions

The author believes that grief can unexpectedly increase sexual desire and that this is a normal response to loss.
They assert that sex after loss is not a betrayal of grief but rather a part of the individual grieving process.
The author cites Patti Britton, who suggests that the need for intimacy post-loss is a way to fill the void left by the deceased.
They challenge the moral judgments and restrictions imposed on single people, particularly in the gay community, during the pandemic.
The author advocates for personal agency in deciding when and how to engage in sexual activities, emphasizing the need for safety protocols.
They share their personal experience of finding solace in sexual encounters, which provided both pleasure and a momentary escape from grief.
The author encourages acceptance of one's feelings during grief, including the desire for physical intimacy, and discourages overthinking or imposing limits on what is considered a normal grieving response.

All I Can Think About Is Sex After My Mom Died

To think of sex is not betraying my grief but is part of my grieving process

What has sex got to do with grief?

You must be asking yourself the question, even be blunt about it, and ask, What the fuck are you thinking?

When my mom passed away, I never imagined how her death would impact my life. At the same time, all I can think about is sex and having sex.

As someone who has learned to observe my feelings, I acknowledge all feelings and let them be. I dont judge myself, as we all cope with the feeling of loss differently, and death can spark a new way our mind works.

I dont make excuses about the thought of sex which coexisted with the sadness I was feeling on the very day my mom died.

Grief and sex are not exactly the words that we would put together after death. But I found out I am not alone, and there have been studies about grief sex.

How can one think of sex so soon? But how do we define a feeling or a need to be ‘so soon?’

Yes, Grief Can Absolutely Make You Horny

Don't be too hard on yourself for getting a hard-on during grandpa's funeral procession. Each person who goes through…

melmagazine.com

The grief trajectory is about a loss of closeness — a loss of intimacy,” Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and sexuality educator.

“That’s why our libido kicks in, to fill that void.” — Britton added in her interview with Mel Magazine.

In the days that followed after we buried my mom, the urge or the need to be intimate with another man grew stronger. In between tears, I would find myself swiping left or right, men on Grindr.

Checking out profiles who posts more than their body parts. It has always been the connection, and as a writer, I find words sexy.

It is as if I needed a connection. The men I have chatted with on the dating app are gracious enough to listen to my story, offering comfort with their words, but it was not enough.

I was looking for more. I was looking for sex. I was looking for a man to have sex with.

At a time when gay men are told to refrain from having casual sex because of the pandemic. Something which I believe heavily discriminates against single people and the gay community at large.

Gay people especially single gay people are sexual human beings, like single straight people and the married couples. Yet, you hear from married couples, why do gay and single people still are on dating apps when it is not safe to hook up at a time of the pandemic.

It is easy to tell people how to behave in a certain way. The pandemic has brought out people trying to enforce their morals on other people.

While I acknowledge the risk of being physically intimate with strangers. Even during the beginning of the pandemic, the ones I meet on dating apps were constantly subjected to my non-negotiable rules. Nevertheless, men are free to pass if they can’t comply with rules or what I call ‘safety protocols.’

I have created safety protocols during the start of the pandemic. I admit they not full-proof as there are many things that we still dont know about the virus. Yet, as a gay man, I need sex. I need it. And I make no excuses about it.

Finding sex as I grieve

I was on Grindr one day and met this guy. He was young and married with children. He has a newborn baby, which to me means, he is careful with being with strangers.

Trust is essential, and trusting your gut helps you make the right decision.

It felt right. He felt right. The sex was right.

I invited him over, this was on a day I was crying again, and the more I cry, the more I was craving for sex.

I asked him to remove all his clothes and asked him to shower. I asked him questions, which I already have forwarded to him during our conversation online.

The sex was good. I felt it was what I needed, to feel pleasure and pain. We talked for a while, he listened, and he wrapped me in his arms. It was enough.

Other sexual encounters have followed, and as each day passes by, the need for physical intimacy waned. I no longer need to fill up my heart and mind with other feelings, aside from grief.

I was dealing with grief my own way.

I can now say that sex helped. The more isolation I experienced from my mom’s death, the more pleasure I derived in the company of strangers.

Why am I looking for physical intimacy at a time of grief?

When communicating about death, some people try to describe or symbolize the final moments. They talk of walking through life together or visiting a favorite place. These images often bring to mind touch, taste, smell, and light.

I did all of that.

Sexual touch, even if done for only a brief moment, does the same thing. My body felt. In those moments of quiet, I felt my mom’s absence and loneliness with all of me.

I believe we are meant to grieve. I always felt comfortable with this quote;

Grief is the price we pay when we love.

Let me be clear. I am not here to tell anyone to have grief sex once you experience a loss. I am also not going to say to people to start sharing their sexual feelings.

I am encouraging you to focus on your feelings and grieve the way you would want to grieve. Because we all grieve differently, and there is no right or wrong with what we feel.

The great thing about grief is the amount of support from people who would come into your life as your grieve and help you cope with the loss.

As long as you surround yourself with people who understand that grief is a process. Support may come from your family and friends but don’t discount the possibility that your casual sex partners can offer you additional emotional support.

Don’t let your mind do overthink, overprocess, and overthink some more. At its most extreme, this can lead to limiting beliefs about grief, limiting thoughts and feelings.

Again, I don’t advocate using sex for a cathartic experience after a loss or encouraging it as a way of grieving. I am saying that it helps and that if grief sex is what you are thinking about right now, there is nothing wrong with you, and it is normal.

Any loss, whatever its nature, can bring good and bad things to us. One of the most healing opportunities I found regarding grief was learning to accept every feeling and couple it with kindness and compassion for yourself.

As I move forward to the next chapter of my life, I have learned a great deal about grief, life, and death. My mom made me understand that while life is beautiful, death can also be beautiful.

And when death comes, find your in-between moment, whatever it is to help you deal with your grief, and that sex, if it happens, can also be the catalyst for your healing.