All Growth Involves Risk

How to Calculate Your Next Move

Should I do something crazy, like jump out of an airplane?

Or, should I do something equally crazy, like create a framework for the person I would like to become, in five years? Something I can live by. Something I can work off of. You see, I am in a difficult predicament.

I don’t much like the person I am. So much so that I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation.

But I do understand one thing, it is the thoughts entertained in my past that have brought me to this point. A little bit about me:

I have spent the better part of the last two years in hospitals and mental health programs. My last treatment program ended on December 15th. Technically I am still in a program, though it is only a couple of hours a week.

You see, I am at a crossroads. Its change, or die. Quite literally. I can feel the inner struggle, the part of me that wants to just give up. But I’d rather commit to changing my life, one thought at a time.

I realize now, it’s thoughts entertained, that really matter.

I used to be so scared of my negative thoughts, which would inevitably bring on other negative thoughts.

Instead, I have to minimize them. Act like they aren’t there. Choose to believe in positive outcomes.

I have to believe that I can change. That I can overcome.

We are literally writing our stories, and for myself, I need a plot twist.

I need to quit smoking cigarettes, and start working out daily.

I need to quit eating fast food, and start reading books.

I need to quit believing lies about myself, and focus on the truth. I am loved and I love others.

After I craft the ideal version of myself, I need to take appropriate action to transform myself. I need daily tasks set, and I need to accomplish them. If something goes against who I want to be, I need to turn from it. Like smoking cigarettes.

I need to bring yoga back into my life. And meditation too.

And I need to be fearless when tackling my inner demons: Feelings of not being enough. Of being too far gone. And feeling like I would be better off gone.

The me I love is loving and kind. Strong and determined. Focused on improving myself daily.

Every time I feel I have gone off track, I need to revert back to who I am becoming, and the truth of who I am. I need to focus on what’s here and now. And use each now moment to propel me into the future I so desire.

I need to write everyday. Every. Single. Day.

Because writing is like medicine. You have to digest it everyday to get the desired result.

I need to plan a path to great health. The path I’m currently on leads to disease and stagnation. I have to disrupt the cycle of cigarettes and fast food.

But who is it that I wish to become?

I want to become an optimist. Someone who finds joy in every moment. I want to be a person who daily practices gratitude. And be someone who lives for something greater than himself.

I will no longer dwell on negative thoughts. If a thought enters my mind that is negative, I will not follow it. I will disrupt it with a positive thought.

I will read a book for at least ten minutes everyday.

I will write for at least thirty minutes every day.

I will workout for at least ten minutes everyday.

It’s in the repetition where the progress is made.

Every. Single. Day.

I want to live for my future, all the while living in the present moment. Creating better and better present moments.

In five years I will…

1. Be extremely physically fit.

2. Have written and published three novels.

3. Read hundreds of books.

4. Meditated on my purpose in this world.

5. Decreased the amount of medication I need to be on to be healthy and stable.

6. Be a card carrying optimist.

7. Love myself completely and Love all others.

I believe fitness is the key. I have to make the most of my days and that includes physical fitness and meditation.

In truth, there is much I will be adding to this list, and I don’t really intend it to be a list. Perhaps it will be a series of I Am statements:

I Am physically fit.

I Am a prolific and published writer.

I Am an avid reader of books.

I Am in this world to be a light.

I Am on the proper medication.

I Am a believer of love and the power of love.

I Am love and I love all others.

Or perhaps I will craft my future with a vision board, cutting up images that stir my soul, as well as words of empowerment.

I am doing this now because I’m at a crossroads, and I can’t go on like I have been anymore. Its change or die. And I want to change.

Not only change, but recreate. Myself.

I want to re-create myself.

Because that’s what we are doing, only we don’t realize it.

We are creators. And I’m not too fond of what I’ve been creating. Thats why I am going to create my ideal self in 5 years. And then move towards that every day. Anything that doesn’t align, has to go.

I used to struggle a lot with intrusive thoughts. Now, I don’t give a fuck. Excuse my language but I will not be controlled by my thoughts anymore. I will not hide in fear anymore. All growth involves risk. I am taking a huge risk, but I have nothing to lose.

And I have everything to gain.

I have everything to gain and nothing to lose. It’s worth a shot, right?

The key is to get really clear on who I want to become. So clear that I can smell it, taste it. And then move towards it, every day.

Even as I write this, I am facing resistance. Which lets me know, I am on the correct path.

It’s not a matter of creating better habits, so much as its about creating an entirely new me. But also, accepting and loving myself now.

Without love and acceptance for who I am now, I’ll never make it to where I want to be. And that love and acceptance extends to all people, because, life is hard. And, we are all trying our best.

Even now, I am trying my best. Although, I can do better. And, I realize this.

Maybe it’s the same for you?

Maybe you have some things you would like to improve on?

What if you wrote out exactly who you wanted to be, in 5, or 3, or 2, years?

What we have to realize is we are in the captains seat. It’s up to us to decide which way to turn, where to go.

The rudder, which steers our ship, is our picture of ourself, in 5 years, if we have one. If not, if we don’t have a plan for ourselves, we will float in which ever direction our thoughts take us. And, we might not like where we dock.

I see that in my life I need a complete overhaul. My ship has crashed along the docks, and I need to rebuild it with better and stronger thoughts. Then, when I’m ready, I will set sail again.

Only this time, I will be in control of the rudder, and I will sail on through pleasant waters.