All About BDsM
“I urge you all today especially today during these times of chaos and war to love yourself without reservations and to love each other without restraint. Unless you’re into leather.” ~Margaret Cho~
This article was originally published, here.
“Some people like to tie or be tied, handcuff or be handcuffed, torture or be tortured, and some don’t. Some people like to humiliate or be humiliated, discipline or be disciplined, and some don’t.”-WizDomme-
For a list of BDsM Terminology, Click here
What
With the growing amount of interest and exposure to the BDsM lifestyle, there are still many questions surrounding the actual meaning of BDsM. For the uninitiated, let’s start with the letters that represent the term BDsM.
BDsM is a broad term generally separated into four sections:
1) (B) Bondage and (D) Discipline-(B/D)
2) (D) Dominant and (s) submissive-(D/s)
3) (S) Sadism and (M) Masochism (or Sadomasochism)-(S/M)
4) (s) slave and (M) Master-(s/M)
Here is a breakdown of the BDsM acronym:
- (B) Bondage: Restriction of movement using handcuffs, rope, chains, scarves, and/or anything that can be used to restrain and/or physically control another person.
- (D) Discipline: There are certain rules and expectations for the submissive which must be followed and obeyed. Discipline is punishment for breaking such rules and expectations. Discipline is used to exert power and control from the Dominant and submissive agreeable actions from the sub.
- (D) Domme-The female Dominant. Also called a “Top”
- (D) Dominant-(DOM): Dominance over a submissive in a sexual and/or everyday context. The level of Dominance will vary per Dominant. Also known as the “Top”.
- (s) submissive-(sub): Free will of the submission of one’s mind, psychology, and body to a Dominant’s trusted wishes. The sub maintains a level of control with the DOM that starts with boundaries, and communication, however, the ultimate goal is to give oneself freely to another. The manner of submission varies between sub/DOM. Also known as the “bottom”. The “s” is lowercase to show Dominance and respect to the Dominant.
- (S) Sadism: Gratification from inflicting pain on another person and/or watching them receive pain in a consensual manner. This can include devices, hitting, pinching, whipping, etc. Also known as a “Top”
- (M) Masochism: Gratification from receiving pain from another person. The pain received can be physical, emotional, mental, and/or psychological in a consensual manner. Also known as a “bottom”.
- (S/M) SadoMasochism: Gratification of inflicting pain and receiving pain from another person. The enjoyment of the give and take of receiving different levels of pain for pleasure in a consensual manner.
- (s) slave: Consensual subservience in a slave context to a Master. Also known as a “bottom”.
- (M) Master: Requires a particular behavior, etiquette, rules, and/or rituals in order to be properly served. All requirements and/or procedures are different per Master. Also known as a “Top”.
The BDsM roles will be determined by the partners as there is a Dominant and submissive (DOM/sub) in most BDsM dynamics. Some engage in all aspects of BDsM while others engage in certain aspects. For example, a BDsM couple may engage in DOM/sub without bondage but practice discipline. The roles may also “switch” where the DOM becomes the sub and the sub becomes the DOM. BDsM is a lifestyle known as a form of KINK and the participants are called Kinks or referred to as Kinky. BDsM is a form of sexual activity that is outside of traditional social-cultural sexual practices and fetishes.
Traditional sex in the BDsM community is known as Vanilla. Vanilla is not a derogatory term and those into BDsM do not judge others who are not into it. Vanilla is someone who is not into fetishes, non-conventional sex acts, or any Kinks. In some cases, BDsM may not involve sex and can be completely mental, emotional, and/or psychological. BDsM is not abuse, it is consensual between two people providing a broad range of activities to accommodate various sexual desires of different levels of intensity.
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Who
“The number one job of the Dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.”~Joseph Bean~
BDsM is practiced around the world by people of all races, professions, cultures, backgrounds, genders, ethnicities, sexual preferences, etc. Because of its perceived taboo nature, many Kinks operate under the radar while some practice openly. The desire to engage in BDsM can be an inborn desire that is realized from an early age or realized as time goes on. Participants can be a doctor, a lawyer, a famous people, an everyday hero, a mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, teacher, etc. Some are into BDsM as a lifestyle choice and others engage in BDsM on occasion to spice things up in the bedroom.
Why
Many Kinks feel BDsM provides them with playful, conscious, soul-expanding, and healing opportunities. BDsM is a way to safely and legally live out sexual fantasies or any fantasy (not necessarily sexual intercourse) with a consensual partner. Some fantasies may be perverse, contradictory, nefarious, deviant, adverse, taboo, violent, and intense. With the consent of all participants, these fantasies are considered perfectly acceptable and natural activities in the BDsM community. If you talk to five Kinks, the reason why they practice BDsM will be different.
Some common reasons given for practicing BDsM are the fulfillment and satisfaction of having a partner willing to participate in fantasies, a community/tribe of other people who understand and/or also engage in your lifestyle preferences, and the building of trust and loyalty with a partner. Having someone who truly understands that your desires, fetishes, and urges may not always be “traditional and/or conventional” and they accept you; can provide a sense of belonging. Power, authority, control, pain, pleasure, release, fun, relinquishment of control, willingness to learn and adventure are all reasons why someone might engage in a BDsM lifestyle.
There are subs who enjoy being vulnerable, letting go of their busy Dominant, Type-A professions, and giving control to another person for an enjoyable timeframe. For many people, BDsM reduces stress, is a spiritual experience, and is a way to comfortably be uninhibited.
How/When/Where
BDSM generally involves a power dynamic between partners, it is mutually understood that one partner will have more power and authority during sex than the other.
How BDsM is practiced between partners will depend on the nature, communication, and trustworthiness of the relationship dynamic. Before BDsM can be practiced, there are beforehand boundaries, rules, expectations, and rituals that will be discussed between all participants. In some cases, it can take time for the DOM to train the submissive and form a trustworthy bond to allow BDsM to occur. BDsM encounters are known as erotic play, impact play, play, scenes, and/or scenarios. Some other forms of BDsM relationship dynamics are Daddy/Daughter, Mother/Son-(not the traditional (Vanilla) parent scenario), Teacher/Student, Mentor/Student, and Littles/Caregivers. Scene role-plays can include Secretary/Boss, Kidnapped/Abducted, Cop/Robbers, Bank Teller/Robbers. BDsM can involve cages, chains, straps, collars, harnesses, feathers, anal plugs, hand-fisting, whips, spanking, handcuffing, gags, hair pulling, smacking, blindfolds, sex toys, and/or devices and instruments used for pleasure and consensual pain among other things.
BDsM may or may not involve more than one person. BDsM may be practiced 24/7 or when arranged. Some couples remain in their BDsM dynamic in all circumstances of life including in public. Some couples only engage in BDsM sexually. There may be a written contract or a verbal contract. The couple may be married, living together, and/or hooking up occasionally for kinky pleasure. The roles of BDsM are not gender-specific.
Once a DOM/sub relationship has been established, the DOM will most likely (or not) provide a collar to the sub to show a public display of being in a BDsM DOM/sub dynamic. There are play collars that have chains and harnesses commonly used during a scene and day collars that are worn in public with the overall purpose hidden from the public. Some DOMs will allow the sub to pick their own collars. Some subs wear a collar to display their BDsM lifestyle whether currently with a DOM or not. There is no right or wrong way when it comes to a collar. There are also bondage kits that can be purchased for maximum enjoyment.
When engaged in play, there are safe words used as code words if the scene becomes very intense. Some use the red light system, where red means no and stop all activity, green means go and everything is fine, and yellow means ease up, it is nearing stop but not yet. Some have a safe word that has nothing to do with sex such as, banana for go, apples for ease up, and oranges to stop. Once the scene is done, aftercare is very important. Aftercare is the wrap-up debrief when life goes back to normal, all BDsM activity has ceased and care is administered to both or one partner.
It can include self-care, travel, a massage, journaling, hanging with friends, sleep, rest, relaxation, icing bruises, going out in nature, dinner together, loving exchanges between partners, and any instance where the DOM takes care of the sub or visa versa (if needed). For example, in a scene, the sub may have endured intense impact play, followed by humiliation, and afterward, the DOM makes sure the sub is emotionally strong in a variety of ways that are pertinent to the sub’s characteristics.
This can include genuinely telling them how much fun was had, how good the sex was, answering text messages in a timely fashion, cooking or bringing food, calling to check up, showing affection, romance, flowers, etc. The act of aftercare is strong in strengthening the bond between the partners.
BDSM Is:
- NOT a world of violence, cruelty, and abuse with no limits
- NOT void of the word NO or the safe word that means NO
- NOT void of having vanilla sexual relationships
- NOT void of genuine love and affection
- NOT people who only tell other people what to do and how to do it
- NOT just a group of power-hungry, authority-driven people
- NOT leather and chain-wearing whippers only
- NOT the same for all participants who practice
- NOT stupid or naive submissives and/or slaves without a brain
- NOT a group of people with no jobs, no life, no goals, and/or no dreams
- NOT only single people, but married couples also practice as well
- NOT always polyamorous
- NOT people being treated like doormats and robots
- NOT about having people do things against their will
- NOT people who do things against their will to make someone else happy
- NOT a current fad, it is a lifestyle
- NOT always about sexual intercourse or sexual acts
- NOT all about chains, harnesses, and whips
- Not specifically linked to someone who has had trauma in their life
- NOT all psychologically challenged people
- NOT all about inflicting pain and torture on another person
- NOT always like television or movies
- NOT to be entered into without any knowledge of the lifestyle and what it entails
If you are interested in becoming a member of the BDsM community in your desired capacity, it is encouraged to completely research all aspects of the world of BDsM. In order to enjoy the sexual aspect (or any aspect) of BDsM safely, you will need to have a clear understanding. If you are in a vanilla relationship, you can practice a low level of BDsM by adding a blindfold or handcuffs during sex. Most importantly, Know Thyself and know your why and/or your purpose of living a BDsM lifestyle and what it does for you and your Dominant. BDsM is a very fulfilling lifestyle and with the right person, it can be extremely enjoyable and exhilarating!
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