Aliens Offer Good Price to Americans

Beer is a good offer

Greetings. I am an alien from the planet Terra de Toilette. I was drawn to your planet because of the sexy aroma your vaccine-scented epidermis’s emitted. We, Toiletters, could barely contain our Auricularis Nasalatus, when your aroma wafted into our solar system. We were in heat for days.

Because of America’s love for oil and your disintegrating ozone layer we came to the USA first. Your vaccine-scented RNA got our ships zooming into hyperspace.

To us, your human/vaccine aroma is the perfect je ne sais quoi scent for dinner dates, dancing parties, or making sweet love. I can’t wait to splash you on my neck and douse you on my nethers.

We, Toiletters, realized we needed to get as many of you vaccinated as possible so we could have an unlimited supply of your scent. We must keep our distance, however, from the vaccinated ones while we’re gathering the unvaxxed. The vaxxed humans make our pedipelps flutter uncontrollably, so we must keep a wide berth to avoid discovery.

We have to wear masks, not only to fit in but also to conceal our disgust at the unvaccinated’s odor. The unvaccinated ones smell stinky to us, but only because we are offended by anything that does not arouse us.

We set up shop on the streets and offered free vaccines for all. When the unvaccinated refused, we asked them to explain. These are some of the answers they gave us.

1. I’m pretty sure I have the antibodies. I can feel them in my cells.
2. Because I can’t sue the government if something goes wrong, it is a big NO for me. If I can’t sue, I don’t do.
3. I don’t trust liberals. They’re messy. Have you seen Bernie Sanders hair?
4. I believe Twitter more than Fauci, and I don’t trust short people, I got no reason to.
5. Have you watched Fox news? Tucker Carlson, that preppy slice of man meat, keeps me well informed about the ingredients of the vax. It is composed of Hillary Clinton’s shaved down fingernails made into a powder and soaked in Palmolive dish shop. True fact.
6. Did you know Rachel Maddow is a liberal hologram? Did ya!?
7. I’m not getting tagged by Bill Gates. Especially now that I know, he wasn’t faithful to French, formerly known as Melinda. I’m not letting him insert any of his nasty motherboards into my DNA. You know he’s coming for us, right?
8. I refuse to be part alien. I have no desire to be telepathic. Have you seen the film “What Women Want?” It’s terrifying.
9. I will not have my DNA altered in a lab. Have you seen Jurassic Park? What if I end up with those T-Rex arms. I’m already a small man. I don’t want to walk around with a ladder in my back pocket.
10. Religion. Bible upside down, please, to honor my messiah.
11. If this is my time, this is my time.

Our superiors called us from the mother ship and said we were doing it all wrong. “Americans like incentives,” our agonizingly sensually scented leader conveyed. “You can’t get something for nothing in America.”

Apparently, American humans will do anything for incentives. They’ll take a job they hate, eat a meal they don’t want, buy a car they don’t need, move to a city they never heard of. The mothership gave us a few incentives to entice the unvaccinated Americans.

Below, I will show you our offers and the American humans responses.

“Would you get vaccinated for a chance to win a million dollars?” I asked. Well, sure, I can toss out my values for a cool mill.

“What about a new car?” Well, my Civic is getting janky.

“Thousands of dollars?” I got two kids in college. Hell yeah.

Our brave leader telepathed once more and said, “We’re not giving everyone a million bucks. These humans are ingredients. I don’t want to deal with all the paperwork of financial arrangements. Offer the next guy who comes up a beer.” I telepathically nodded.

“How about a beer?” I asked the next stinky unvaccinated human who approached in a Hawaiin shirt. Not a million bucks? he answered, pointing at the man who had a briefcase of cash.

“No, beer,” I said, reinforcing my incentive. What about a car? he asked, pointing to the man who was plugging in his electric Ford150.

“Nope, beer.” I said, thinking there was no way this would work. Thousands of dollars, he asked. Direct deposit? He pointed at a guy I’d given a buttload of cash to.

“Nuh-uh, beer.” I said, thinking this American would not compromise his dignity for beer. So, just a beer? he said sadly.

“Oh hell no,” I said. “A case of beer.” Well, damn alien, why didn’t you say so. Shut up and poke me.

Me and my crew ran back to our spaceship with the good news. We plugged our Auricularis Nasalatus as we fled because, as previously mentioned, the unvaccinated’s inability to arouse us was offensive.

But, good news. I got promoted to head perfumer. The incentives worked! There’s an old saying on Terra de Toilette. Once you can find out what’s stinky about an alien planet, you can crush them up and turn them into an aphrodisiac.