Alfred the Butt Thief

A despicable bum and his job

It was a cool morning and Alfred wore a jacket for the first time since back in early spring. Autumn was his favorite time of year and after leaving his tiny one-room efficiency apartment he was filled with joy as he breathed in that cool morning air. The smell of autumn was definitely in the air.

The day was lucky even before Alfred stepped outside. In the pocket of his jacket he found a quarter which apparently had been sitting in that jacket pocket all summer long. There had been so many times over the course of the summer when he could have really used that quarter. Of course, he could really use it today as well so he felt very lucky.

The sun was not quite up yet and there were very few people out and about. Weather permitting, Alfred always took his first walk of the day at this time. He could make his rounds without being noticed.

Whenever he went on his walks he would bring with him a plastic, zip-lock sandwich bag. He would look around at the trees and buildings and birds and sky but he also continuously scanned the ground looking for cigarette butts. Seeing one that still had some tobacco in it he would pick it up and put it in his little bag.

One of the first destinations on his rounds was a white plastic bucket outside of the back door of a nearby department store. Outside that back door is where department store employees took their cigarette breaks. The bucket was half-filled with sand atop which were many cigarette butts.

Employees taking smoke breaks usually smoke every bit of their cigarettes so there were mostly just discarded filters in the bucket but there were always at least a few butts that still had some tobacco. In Alfred’s plastic bag they went.

As he proceeded on this fine fall day to his next destination he noticed a glimmer of light on the sidewalk up ahead. It was the kind of light that was reflected off of metal. As he got there he saw a shiny dime and a shiny penny on the sidewalk. He picked them up and, clutching them in his fist, he looked up into the sky and said, “Thank you, Universe! Thank you for the abundance.”

Alfred always said this when he found money on the ground, even if it was just a lone penny. He felt it would be rude to be offered free money and not show gratitude for it.

He put the dime and the penny in his pants pocket which now also held the quarter that he had found in his jacket and which also contained the seventeen cents in coins that he had found on the ground over the last week.

The next destination in his rounds was the one where he usually made the biggest scores. It was another white bucket with sand in it and this one was located at the entrance to the court house. Unlike employees on smoke breaks, people entering the court house were usually in a hurry and didn’t have time to finish the cigarette they were smoking. There were often plenty of half-smoked cigarettes in this bucket. Today there was one that looked like it only had two or three puffs taken from it before being dropped into the sand.

Alfred filled his plastic bag and headed back home. He found a few more butts on the sidewalks on the way home.

He filled his teapot with water and set it on his little two-burner stove to boil. He then emptied his plastic bag of cigarette butts out onto a tray and proceeded to extract all the tobacco he could into a little pile. That one almost un-smoked cigarette he set aside.

With tea now steeping Alfred got out his package of rolling paper and proceeded to roll three cigarettes with the tobacco extracted from those cigarette butts. It was his best score in weeks.

Setting those three cigarettes aside, he lit up the almost un-smoked cigarette with the purple Bic lighter he had found in the gutter almost a month ago — and which was still going strong.

Enjoying his tea and cigarette, Alfred opened the fat five-subject spiral notebook on his makeshift desk. He reread the chapter he had just finished writing to get back in the flow of the story then he picked up his pen and started writing. He worked on the novel for the next three hours and almost finished another chapter.

But he abruptly stopped when he looked at the time. The local soup kitchen was only open for two hours today and if he wanted to have lunch today he had better get there quickly…

Sitting alone at his table, Alfred was disappointed that today’s soup was chicken noodle. He was a great lover of soup but there was one soup that he just did not like and that was chicken noodle. The soup kitchen served chicken noodle most of the time, as though chicken noodle soup was the only kind of soup poor people liked — or deserved.

Even the nearby food pantry run by a local church that gave away to the poor cans of donated food was the same way. The only kind of canned soup that they had to give away was chicken noodle — never any other kind of soup. Chicken noodle soup is what people traditionally give sick people. We’re not sick, we’re poor, Alfred said under his breath.

Of course he ate his soup. He was hungry. As he looked around the room to make sure no one was watching him, he pulled several paper napkins from the napkin dispenser on the table, putting them in his lap. He kept doing this until he had a thick pile of napkins in his lap. He then rolled them up and stuck them in his left pants pocket.

Turning the napkin dispenser around, he then did the same thing, putting another fat roll of napkins in his right pants pocket. It felt good to know that he would be able to continue to wipe his ass for at least a few more days. Hopefully soon he would be able to buy some toilet paper.

On his way home, his pants pockets stuffed with napkins and his shirt pocket stuffed with packages of crackers, Alfred decided to stop by the court house. When he got to the white bucket he saw that there were plenty of new butts. Getting out his little plastic bag, he looked around to see if anyone was watching then he scooped up some butts.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

Alfred quickly stood up and turned around to see a man in a suit and tie who seemed to come from nowhere, “Uh… well… uh… I’m just cleaning out the butt bucket, keeping the court house grounds clean.”

“Yeah right. You despicable bums really disgust me. Why don’t you just get a job?!”

“What? Uh… I have a job.”

“Right, stealing butts and god-only-knows what else. You’re a disgrace to society.”

Any feelings of guilt quickly evaporated, “So can you spare any change?”

“Seriously?!” The man seemed rattled. He dug into his pocket and came up with some coins but he did not hand them to Alfred. Instead he threw the coins at Alfred’s feet after which he showed Alfred his middle finger before turning and entering the court house.

Alfred said thank you but the man was already inside. Squatting down to the ground, he picked up all the loose change. The coins amounted to 93 cents.

With the coins in his pocket he finished collecting butts — and did not care who was watching.

Alfred went a little out of his way going home. With the 93 cents the suit and tie guy threw at him plus the coins that were already in his pocket, he had enough money to stop at the convenience store and buy a lottery ticket.

At home he liberated tobacco and was able to roll two cigarettes. He decided he would not smoke them, though, until he was finished with work. He then spent the next six hours working tirelessly on his novel.

When Alfred was finally spent and exhausted from his work he lit one of those cigarettes and enjoyed the hell out of it. Afterward, he closed his eyes and tilted his head back as though he were looking upward and he said, “Thank you.”

With eyes once again open he looked over at his little altar where the lotto ticket sat under a quartz crystal and he thought, Maybe tomorrow will be different.

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction. Be sure to check The Archive for anything new from me or stuff you may have missed.