Aggression is a cry of pain

AGGRESSION IS A CRY OF PAIN. Always. With rare exceptions of pathologies. The more pain, the stronger the scream and the more aggression.

How is this related? Let’s figure it out.

Every living being has different wants and needs. Starting with the vital, i.e. vitally important, such as the need for food, sleep, air, this also, by the way, includes the need for affection in a child, because a child will not be able to survive alone, without “his” adult in this world. And ending with the important need for self-realization among people.

It’s nice and healthy when all our needs are satisfied without hindrance: I wanted to drink and drank water, I felt hungry — I ate, I felt loneliness — I met with loved ones, I realized that I wanted to sleep — I lay down and slept.

But you know that it is not always so simple to satisfy your needs. First, you need to discover them in yourself, identify them, and understand what exactly I want.

Alas, the famous joke about “Vanya, go home!” — Mom, am I cold? “No, you’re hungry!” describes this problem very clearly — we often cannot understand what our current need is. Nobody taught us this, but they taught us the opposite: “be patient/it doesn’t matter what you want now/you never know what you want, eat what they give you.” How to satisfy “that, I don’t know what”? Difficult. But let’s say we still know something about ourselves, we found out what we want, saw what was needed and decided to fill the gap.

However, we will not always be able to do this; the environment is not ready to provide us with everything we need at our first request. This is life: sometimes everything is at our feet and this is happiness and great, and sometimes we really want to drink, but there is no water, not a sip. Or your shoes are too tight, but don’t take them off in the middle of the street. What should young mothers do with chronic fatigue and lack of sleep?

You have to wait, endure, come to terms with the inability to get what you want, and adapt. You can adapt through experiencing sadness and the futility of trying to change something. Do we often have the time and opportunity (and often internal permission) to be sad? I’m afraid not often — we have to run on, there’s a lot to do, there’s no time for sadness.

And how long can we endure without water and without proper rest? How long can we stay alone? For some time. And then?

Sooner or later, an unsatisfied need will remind itself not in a quiet whisper, but in a loud cry of indignation, an aggressive attack, an unrestrained breakdown. — How tired of you all are to me! Leave me alone, I want to rest! — this is a cry of pain from a tired mother. — How long can you redo this report?! You yourself don’t understand anything about this, but you give me instructions! — the employee who put so much effort into preparing the document, but never received approval and recognition, loses his temper. — Aaaah! You’re bad, I don’t love you! I want candy right now! — this is the kid who cannot cope with disappointment and the collapse of hopes.

Looks menacing and aggressive. But at the center of this aggression is pain; there is no conscious desire to harm another, there is a desire to defend oneself, sometimes with the last bit of strength.

How good it would be if at this moment there is someone who can sympathize and provide support! — I understand, dear, you need to be alone, I’ll take a walk with the children. — Yes, Ivan Petrovich, you have done a tremendous job. I see and appreciate it, but let’s think about what we can fix here… — You are offended and angry. I’m sorry, but I can give you candy later. Now come to me, I will feel sorry for you, dear.

Sympathy and understanding instead of retaliatory aggression and advice are what you need in such situations if the relationship with this or that person is important to you.

Then there is a chance that aggression will not flare up and will not destroy the relationship with its fire.

Aggression is often a cry of pain. And when a person is in pain, it would be good to help him cope with the pain. Agressia.pro knows how.