A Personal Story of Healing Anxiety through Ceremony on Haida Gwaii, British Columbia.

A few years ago, while on Haida Gwaii (Islands off the northwest coast of British Columbia), I got to know a group of native healers over the course of several weeks as I worked at a bed and breakfast there. This group of healers went from community to community and held ceremonies for those who have been traumatized by the Canadian Residential School System. After having had many mutually heartfelt conversations with this beautiful group of people, I gained so much respect for them and for what they were doing. I was grateful enough just having met them, I hadn’t anticipated that these wonderful people were about to help heal my heart as well.

There were 4 healers in total. An elder would bring a person into the middle of a circle, which was formed by the whole community, and conduct the healing ceremony with tobacco and boughs of cedar and fir. The community would stand together while compassionately baring witness to that person as they expressed and let go of their pain. One of the other men in the group would beat his drum, while everyone else would join in singing. Another woman would stand in the centre of the circle with the person for whom the ceremony was being conducted, holding both their hands and space for them as they grieved for their individual, and by extension, collective losses.

Afterwards, the elder who had performed the ceremony would bring the person to the ocean’s edge where they would wash their face with sea water and express their gratitude to the creator, ancestors, the earth and the great spirit. Another elder would then offer counselling to the person after the ceremony was finished. While I did not personally go to any of the ceremonies, as it was not my place to go, over the course of the 3 weeks they were there, I learned so much from these beautiful people. We shared many stories amongst us, and when they asked me about my own history, I told them more than I thought I would, and shared that I had been working on my own recovery after having endured a difficult childhood. I kept the sharing of my story brief, as these people encountered so much suffering in their work already; so I certainly hadn’t expected that one of the elders would approach me on their last day, offering to hold a small ceremony for me before they left. Initially, I thought that I should refuse and just thank them for the incredibly kind offer, but the soft yet serious look in his eyes told me that he wasn’t just being polite, and I was inspired by a deeper wisdom to accept his offer, which is what I did…

Years later, I still attribute this ceremony and credit these generous people with helping me learn how to end excruciating anxiety attacks that had been plaguing me throughout my entire life.

That elder’s simple yet powerful words lean into it, combined with the energy of that moment stayed with me long after I left Haida Gwaii, and I know I will never forget them or the incredible kindness they extended to me.

The end result of this encounter, was that every time I felt the familiar onset of an anxiety attack, where my throat would begin to close up, and my body would start to shake, instead of having to resort to drugs to mask my symptoms, the elder’s words from that ceremony would spontaneously flash through my mind and guide me through. Instead of throwing myself to the floor and assuming my usual powerless fetal position, I had now learned that my suffering was a cue for me to stand up and lean into it. In facing my anxiety, pain, and fears head on, I subsequently learned to face myself. I learned to bare witness and hold space for my own suffering, and therefore was able to sow the seeds of self-compassion that I would need to finally be able to grow genuine self-acceptance, imperfections and all. Self-acceptance was no longer just an empty platitude that only managed to bring more shame.

Over time, as I continued to incorporate this lesson, my anxiety attacks became less and less frequent. And while my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, the difference now, is that I have absolute confidence in my ability to move through it; instead of my anxiety attacks having me, I have them. And while upon first sight, this appears as a slight shift of wording, it amounted to nothing less than a paradigm shift for me.

And despite this experience being very personal, I thought I’d take the chance to share it here in the hope that we can all create just a little more space for ourselves and the suffering that inevitably comes for us all, regardless of background.

AGAIN

Chest tight Throat constricted

With a heavy heart I stand weak

Lean into it… the wind blew

Suddenly aware Generations of regret Sway…

Unlived spasms Swirl and transform… Between creaking branches Flickering under tension

Haunting and unknown mystery rips a hole through which the timeless

Drumming can begin

My throat closes A raven cries overhead As I pray for breath

Sticky Fir boughs Glue my feet to the earth

and all the pain the world has ever known …I have ever known

Again

I try to listen Where did that raven go?

Stand up! I am ordered I am shoved

Back to the present Hard enough to give me a choice Stand tall or fall to my knees

Lean into it The trees groaned

Again

My heart pounding In time with the beating of the drum A universal symphony

Rides upon curled smoke A conduit Traces a hole through the cedar sky

Waves crash in the distance An escape which now Abandons me

Painfully aware Of my lost ancestry… my lost soul

Toes digging deep through cool cedar piercing into the earth

My mother, my guide Taking a stand I listen…

To the silence Where ancient worlds Collide

Circling Somewhere off in the distance My raven gurgles

Again

Rivers stream Burning tobacco drips onto the ground carrying a long-forgotten prayer

Between the drum beats Between the crashing Ebb and flow of life And death

Arms tingling down vibrating waves into legs that do not feel like my own

Up through the cool ground Soft needles lay flat Against my bare feet

Deeply rooted As flush branches bridge mind and soul

Riding heavy smoke High beyond the overcast sky Merging time with space

Showing me the way To mourn Generations of pain

So I can live

Again