After So Much Talk, Are We Truly Capable of Unconditional Love?

It’s not unfair to set conditions, just quit calling it unconditional when it’s not

I grew up with the romantic notion that unconditional love is the be-all-end-all in a love affair. I fantasized for many moons about having someone who would sweep me off my feet and love me unconditionally, forever.

There is so much talk about unconditional love that it makes me wonder if we truly understand the concept. Could it be that we’re romanticizing something that doesn’t exist?

Love as we know it today is conditional. It’s based on the idea of mutual giving and taking. It’s a form of exchange — you scratch my back, and I scratch yours. We are both happy.

The term unconditional is not misleading — meaning, there are no conditions attached and not dependent upon anything for its survival. This love stands strong on its own.

However, like many others, in the name of self-love, I learned to erect walls around spaces where I concluded love must not venture. I accepted that a healthy relationship should comprise certain conditions that both partners must not violate. I thought love should work both ways.

The concept of giving and taking

When I offer love to those whom I assume deserving, hoping in return for reciprocation, that becomes an expectation. I’m on the giving side. Regardless of whether or not I’m loved is their prerogative. My supreme happiness should never depend on it, or else I’m treading on thin ice. I will likely become miserable if I get this wrong.

The concept of giving and taking reminds me of a refund policy. I remember buying a dress that did not make me look as good as when it was at the store. It did not flatter me, so I returned the item.

Do I get to return expressions of love I’m not happy about and walk out? Is this what love means to us?

Absolute acceptance

Very few things in life echo louder than absolute acceptance. Acceptance does not mean tolerating every flaw or playing dumb when the other person is at fault. Instead, it means accepting them for who they are as a person.

I’m not condoning victimhood. Unconditional love does not demand that we endure or remain in toxic or abusive relationships. No one should leave themselves vulnerable to emotional or physical harm in the name of unconditional love.

We have no power to change people. But what can we do when they act crazy? Is it possible to continue loving? If that’s difficult to comprehend, it shows that we are incapable of unconditional love because we have set the conditions for how love should be.

That doesn’t mean we should stay and allow conflict to push us close to the edge of insanity. Regardless of any actions taken, if it’s unconditional, love does not cease. There’s no denying that an element of sacrifice is involved. Those I love may not love me back the same, but my love is not dependent on their response.

One-sided love

Parents would understand that we don’t stop loving our children because they misbehave. We take corrective measures to deal with the issue at hand. We love them unconditionally because we love them for who they are, not for what they did or what we expect of them.

I cannot be sure that people will remain the same forever or that I will never change. It wasn’t until I was in the middle of a tough spot that I realized I could love without condition. Unconditional love taught me the meaning of unrequited love.

Many factors contribute to a healthy relationship, including setting boundaries, mutual respect, and reciprocity. But these are conditions we expect from others. The question remains — if they cannot live up to our expectations, can we continue to love them?

What is then the absence of love?

No obligation but complete free will

In our culture, it seems like everyone is hoping to find the perfect someone to complete their lives. We want a love that is strong enough to withstand all calamities and remain unshakeable no matter what. We forget the power to love another resides in us, not in the other person.

I’m not obligated to love anyone. It’s a personal decision. In the face of challenges, I can either stay, walk away, or implement change. Love does not require a debate about right and wrong. Either I am capable or not, willing or not. I don’t have to break my heart trying. Any argument that will likely arise is all conditional based. Anyone can choose to love, over and over again.

In all probability, unconditional love may not be what you want, or what you can tolerate or accept. That’s fine. Be okay with that.

Most relationships don’t last forever because most people want to establish what they can expect from that union. It isn’t unfair to expect a certain degree of reciprocity. Just stop calling it unconditional when it’s not.

Most importantly, the person you must love unconditionally to be happy is yourself. Realize that leaving someone does not mean that you stop loving them. Instead, you are detaching with love. Sometimes that is the most painful and necessary step one must take in life.