After Returning from My Study Abroad on Everest, I Am Courageously Giving $10 Each to Our Head RA and the Hash Brownie Dealer in 5F to Donate to Charities of Their Choice

Don’t spend it all in one place!

By Alice H. Lahoda and Gwen Coburn

“Jeff Bezos followed up his 11-minute flight to the edge of space Tuesday with an extended press appearance in which he announced the gift of $100 million each to CNN political contributor Van Jones and chef José Andrés.” — Deadline, 7/20/21

Greetings, Herrington Hall summer semester residents. As you probably read in the Campus Chronicle, I just returned from my historic study abroad trip to the second-highest peak on Mt. Everest.

In my eleven minutes on that peak, I had an epiphany: the best way I can positively affect our community is by donating my wealth to other people who will positively affect our community.

With this realization, I called a press conference to announce my new campus initiative called “Courage and Chill AF Cash.” Through this program, I will give away a whopping 0.000975% of my fortune in the form of this crisp $20 bill.

That’s right, I am donating one Andrew Jackson to the betterment of mankind — that’s two Hamiltons, four Lincolns, or twenty Washingtons if you’re nasty.

The two cash recipients I’ve chosen are Coupe, Harrington’s head RA, and the edible dealer in 5F known around campus as “Chef Woodstock.” Coupe is an excellent moderator who always finds middle ground in a conflict, and Chef Woodstock serves edible baked goods to the university population. I can think of no one more qualified to properly allocate these funds to benefit our student body than these two men.

I understand it can feel overwhelming to receive a sudden influx of funds — rather, I will understand that feeling when I turn 21 and gain access to my trust. I have already achieved a great deal. In my first semester on campus, I launched a small business buying and selling used textbooks out of my dorm room. I’m proud of how many students got their books before add-drop, and there’s no proof those two sophomores passed out while delivering my inventory.

In my sophomore year, when I heard there were no single suites available in Harrington, I personally hired the engineer who quadruple-bunked the beds on the lower floors; now the top floor gets to live large in single rooms.

Most recently, I’ve single-handedly elevated the cultural value of this campus by donating framed, printed selfies from my Everest trip to the university art gallery.

Now that I’ve personally given so much to my fellow classmates, I’m happy to pass on the philanthropic baton. It’s easy for philanthropists to be courageous and cheugy, but Coupe and Chef Woodstock are courageous and chill AF.

These two recipients will have the freedom to give each of their $10 away to recipients of their choosing. They’re tapped into the needs of the student population more than I could ever hope to be from my stunning mountain perch.

Harrington is the best place to spend one’s collegiate years — until we can figure out how to put a dorm on Everest, which I will look into once I receive my trust.