After Divorce, Maintaining Boundaries Is A Whole New Thing

Avoiding falling into old patterns.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I’m a firm believer in that quote. I look back at all the red flags before I got married and thought people could change.

Nope. We are who we are. Or at least, not without some hardcore life changes or therapy.

Another hippy-dippy philosophy belief centers around liking someone for who they are today and not their potential. It took me too long to see that with previous relationships but these are rules I’m following now.

Things started so good with Vance. Despite his body issues (hey, at least he stepped up his workout game), we’re generally great together. He’s smart as fuck. Amazing with money. One of the few guys who can make me laugh which isn’t easy; I’m Jim Gaffigan compared to the average takes-himself-too-seriously male.

The red flags were everywhere. In a moment of vulnerability, I told him how I struggle to be myself if I genuinely like someone because I want to impress them. But the times that I’ve fallen for a guy have been when I went into it not giving a shit. Instead of discussing that topic, Vance lectured me about my bad attitude going into those relationships without the intention of them lasting long-term. Without knowing any context as to the nature of those relationships and why they started the way they did,

Even worse, Vance told me how only in the past few years has he made efforts to pursue long-term relationships and always had one foot out the door. Hypocrisy makes anyone’s blood boil.

The same mentality happened when I briefly opened my phone to check on a mobile game while Vance checked with the hostess at a restaurant. I got a third-degree of lectures about cell phones being out on dates. Somehow I was defending women’s lack of pockets and inability to hear vibrations in a purse for the reason we leave our phones on the table. Where else are we supposed to put them, especially if we’re carrying a tiny clutch that doesn’t hold newer cell phones the size of a dictionary?

And yet, Vance is the guy who was on his phone while we watched a horror movie in the dark at my place. While I can live without a scary ambiance while watching Anabelle, it’s a lack of self-awareness of how a bright phone in a dark living room ruins the experience for others. On our last date, he picked a spot with TVs so that he could keep tabs on a basketball game. How are those two actions okay during a date but my phone usage when he stepped away was unacceptable?

Vance has a short fuse. I asked him, “how long were you dating Mandy before she got pregnant?” since they weren’t married. I was curious if it was a situation where he had to get to know her throughout the pregnancy or were they dating for a while. This launched a car ride rant about my judgments and a tirade about how the topic was upsetting to him. Like bro, I just wanted a time frame. I didn’t want to know anything else, however it’s unclear whether he’d ever have told me the full story.

I should have seen the short fuse sooner when on our second date, Vance copped an attitude when I asked if he had a gun (he did) and how he stored it. He insisted it wasn’t any of my business. I pulled the Canadian “golly gee, we don’t have guns where I’m from so I never know if people store their weapons safely”. In reality, I think everyone has the right to know how firearms if any, are stored when they spend time at someone’s house. It’s not my fault Americans are idiots who leave them unattended for their four-year-olds to shoot. He later said the gun didn’t have any bullets and he only got it to bond with his brother-in-law. Why couldn’t he have told me that when I first asked?

The short fuse never ends (ironically). A few days ago I called and my phone switched to Google Voice, which displays a different number and (from what I could discern from his behavior) was creating an echo. Vance asked me dozens of questions about my phone setup and most of my answers were, “I don’t know. I set it up on my laptop months ago and whatever those settings are plus the defaults are what’s on my phone.” The conversation ended with me looking like a technological idiot which isn’t how I’d like to portray myself as someone who is in software development.

The final straw was last night. I cannot stress my distaste for phone calls over texting but he had a long drive and I had time for a quick chat. Vance mentioned extreme traffic so I got onto Google Maps to find his location and traffic status. I struggled to find where he was on the highway (telling someone, “I just passed Major City X with Super Common Named Road” isn’t easily searchable). This led to him getting upset because he insisted I was interrupting him when I thought he paused, only for him to realize maybe there was a lag on the call. He also dumbed down Google Maps for me with some statement that I have issues with iPhones and privacy so maybe I just use Mapquest.

Telling someone in tech that you think they use Mapquest because they can’t figure out Google Maps is an insult.

I’ve never commented on iPhones and privacy, nor do I think it has anything to do with navigational apps. When I said, “hmmm okay I see Victorville…”, Vance ranted that I was looking in the wrong direction and to not bother. I replied that it wasn’t hard work for me to take a mouse and scroll to the right of the map. I didn’t think much of the conversation because he had his GPS, he only had one highway he could take, and this was purely informational as to the cause of the traffic. It’s not like he wasn’t going to reach Las Vegas, nor was he relying on me to get him there.

Suddenly he told me that I was giving him anxiety and got off the phone.

What. The. Fuck.

People claim I give them anxiety when I do reckless things, like insisting we can sneak into an elite gym with our generic passes. No one has ever insisted I gave them anxiety for something benign and was genuinely trying to help.

I got off the phone, shaking. I had tried to end things a few days ago but Vance dismissed my cautious statements about how he wants to get married one day whereas I have no desire to ever live with a man again. He also brushed me off when I told him that we are both too similar in the wrong way; Vance told me how he liked that I was gregarious and not meek in conversation.

I had to put my foot down and end things. It’s easy to end a relationship when things aren’t going well. But when one person thinks everything is great, it’s not an easy sell to tell them that it’s over.

I consulted with some friends and tell them that I didn’t want an awkward conversation where I look like a dick for being unreasonable. Catherine asks, “Why do you care if you look like a dick to a guy you are okay never seeing again? Who has told you in the past that you’re unreasonable?”

Damn. Homegirl is spot on. Why is it unreasonable for me to want out after a series of incidents?

I write my exit text but plan to send it late after he’s asleep. I’m not in the mood for an immediate callback. Before I send it that evening, Vance sends me a voice message apologizing for earlier and that he “owns it”. Fuck. Fuck. I’m an asshole if I send this text.

At 1 am, I threw caution to the wind and sent it.

I appreciate the message but…you know there’s like zero chance of us lasting more than four or five months right? My threshold for conflict is high when starting out because I’m swayed by the “new relationship warm fuzzies” factor. But after a few months, when it drops, my conflict tolerance threshold drops, and given the rate that we bump heads now, it’ll be disastrous later.

While I’m accustomed to feeling this shitty after a long time of dating, it’s definitely not a good sign when it’s only been 7 weeks. I don’t think we bring out the best in each other :( “

That last line is a gem from my friend Laura. It’s nicer than what my friend Anne told me to write: You’re a 6/10 in bed Vance. Ain’t no one got time for sixes.

Either way, it’s over. Feeling relief is a sign I made the right decision.