Summary

The author, a self-identified childfree individual, reflects on their evolving perspective about dating single parents with older children, considering the nuances of relationships with mature kids and the potential for a blended family dynamic.

Abstract

The article delves into the personal journey of someone who has been staunchly childfree for nearly two decades, now contemplating the possibility of dating single parents. After an unsuccessful encounter with a single mother, the author ponders the appeal of dating individuals with older children who are closer to young adulthood. The narrative explores the idea that young adults are more relatable than younger children, the complexities of integrating into a pre-existing family structure, and the importance of communication and compatibility in such relationships. The author acknowledges the challenges and uncertainties of this new territory, emphasizing that time and open-mindedness have led to a more flexible stance on the matter.

Opinions

The author initially had a firm stance against raising children, including someone else's.
There is a recognition that the experience of meeting and potentially integrating into the life of a single parent's older child can be surprisingly acceptable.
The author values clear communication and sees it as a crucial element in navigating a relationship with a single parent and their adult children.
The article suggests that dating single parents with older children can broaden one's dating pool and lead to more date opportunities.
The author believes that the maturity level and personality of the child, as well as the parent's expectations, are key factors in the success of a relationship involving a single parent.
There is an acknowledgment that while children will always hold a special place in their parents' hearts, there comes a time when they must be seen as independent adults.
The author is open to the idea of forming a bond with the child of a potential partner, given that the child is at a stage of young adulthood.

After 20 Years, My Childfree Dam is Starting to Crack

Because single moms’ kids usually become relatable young adults

Since meeting (online) a single mother of two high school-aged kids, I’ve asked myself this question for a few months. Turns out we had no chemistry when we met in person.

Yet the question stuck in my mind like a corn kernel between two molars. Irritating!

For years I’ve told myself I don’t want to raise kids, including someone else’s. Is my childfree mindset fortress starting to crack? Am I getting soft in my middle age? And the clincher: are older kids really all that bad?

Every situation’s different. Results depend on the kid’s maturity level, personality, and where they are in life. It also depends on the mother’s parenting expectations in a potential romantic relationship.

When is a kid no longer a kid?

Oversimplified answer: it comes down to age. Once the kid is old enough to live independently, they’re a young adult.

I know — I can hear some of you parents thinking, but they’ll always be my baby!

No worries. Ideally, you decided to have a mini-me and devote at least 18 years of your life to molding them into a productive member of society. Kudos.

But think about your progeny’s milestones for a sec: birthdays, best friends, skills, academic achievements, relationships, driving, prom, college, moving. These special moments are great, but they’re also reminders. One day you’ll need to stop thinking of little Tommy or Sally as a child and let them “adult” on their own.

We all know one kid leaving the nest is different than the next. But for purposes of this article, let’s say college graduation is when the young’uns move out and start taking care of themselves.

Time to visit a new nest?

Back to the single mom.

I had asked some single childfree friends if they’d consider dating empty-nesters. A couple said they would, so after some thinking, I decided to go ahead and widen my dating pool.

I won’t deny it’s been easier to get dates. And I’m thankful. But I’m also not a serial dater. Dating is fun for some and a hassle for others, but it’s only a stepping stone. My final goal: find someone compatible to share life’s roller coaster, and spend the rest of my life with.

So, I — and approximately 49 million of my closest single friends — jump through online dating hoops like circus lions. We try to avoid getting roasted by the burning rings of bad relationship juju. And the more we learn, the better our success rate. At least that’s how it’s been for me.

Case in point: The more I spoke with mothers I’ve met, the more I found myself not minding meeting their children. It was a little surprising. Time helps you digest a foreign concept, and over these past two months, I’ve realized a couple things.

If the “child”:

Is in college or graduated and living on their own…
Has stepped off the angsty “Mom’s Embarrassing” train…

…then I’m okay with it.

Still, after almost 20 years of calling myself “childfree,” this is new territory. If you’re in the same boat, don’t expect swift answers to all your questions.

If I leave “childfree” behind, what can I expect?

The woman I’m seeing now, a single mother of an early-20s child, is a widow. She’s proud of the woman her daughter is becoming. Life is good.

Enter, Childfree Guy. If the relationship blossoms and we prepare for the long-term, I’ll meet her offspring.

Would Mom expect:

Me to help if the daughter wants advice?
Me to bond with her daughter?
Her daughter to accept me unconditionally?

We’re both excellent communicators. And it’s easier for many folks to talk to a twenty-something than a young child. I’m sure the mother would guide us through this “work in progress” to a place of emotional comfort.

Takeaways

Find your definition of “young adult.” It might help you kick off a potential relationship with a single parent. I first considered the single-parent dating question in February. It’s now April. I’m not 100%, but I’m much more open to the idea. Time breeds familiarity if you let it.

Different family dynamics and personalities play a role, sure. But sons and daughters in their early-20s are much more relatable than pre-teens. That’s my experience. Your results may vary.

No doubt other folks — parents or non-parents — have considered these questions as carefully as I have. I’d love to hear some of your stories!

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