Affair Recovery Diary — May
This is part eighteen of my story of recovering from my wife’s affair and rebuilding our marriage. If you haven’t already, please start at the beginning with part one.
May 5
On several occasions, I have asked my wife whether she would be willing to do what I’m doing. Write it all out. What happened, what she felt, what she thought. She has always been reluctant to do it, and I haven’t pressed the issue much.
The first time she read my writings (specifically, the first six parts of what I have since published here on Medium) was what prompted her to finally break it off with him. That remains my “Moment That Saved Everything.” It helped her fully understand what I had been going through up to that point, and it made her realize that I was truly committed to her, our marriage, and a successful recovery from this trauma.
Since I started writing, I’ve craved that ultimate openness from her as well. I felt like reading her unfiltered thoughts and feelings, the same as I’ve expressed in my writing, would help me understand, accept and move on.
While I’ve been able to accomplish a lot of that on my own, and with her help, over the ensuing months since I first asked her about it, I still feel like reading a similar account from her perspective would help me close the door on the past. Not that I’ll never think of it again, but maybe I can fully stop going back and reexamining it, looking for clues and answers.
This afternoon, after a session with her therapist, she told me she would do it. She expressed reluctance again, but she says only because she hates to write and because she’s afraid reading it could make me backslide. I assured her that I didn’t think it would, and if I started to read it and felt like it wasn’t what I needed after all, I would stop.
She said she’d start writing soon. She didn’t know how long it would take, but she’s going to get started.
May 10
My aunt died yesterday. She was one of my favorite relatives to be with. She had a great, quiet sense of humor and an eternal optimism, both of which served her well as she battled liver cancer for the past eight years. I’ll really miss her.
Last night after everyone else had gone upstairs, I had a little breakdown in the kitchen. Just letting out the emotion I had stored up over the course of the day. I went upstairs shortly after. My wife was in the bathroom. She heard me come up and texted me that she would be out soon. She wasn’t.
After a while I checked on her. She said again she’d be out soon. She wasn’t.
This is where my insecurities kicked into overdrive. Was there an innocent explanation for her extra time in the bathroom? Surely not, my illogical brain, filled with emotions from the day’s events, told me. “She was in the bathroom for a while last night, too,” my brain told me. “She’s texting him again. I just know it.”
When she did finally emerge, I was furious. I confronted her and accused her of communicating with him again. My anger and distrust were powerful, but shortlived. I mainly wanted to be with her and feel her comfort, and I realized quickly that I was jeopardizing that with my behavior.
Did I really think — logically — that she was back in contact with him? No, not at all. I had simply let my thoughts, based on lingering insecurities, run away with me. I needed her, and that need makes me feel vulnerable to being hurt so badly again. I think that triggers a fight-or-flight response. In this case, I fought.
There’s still stuff to work through, and there will be for a while yet.
May 24
A close friend of mine, one of the few people I’ve talked to about the affair, aside from my wife and therapists (oh, and everyone on Medium, of course!), told me something recently that made a significant impact on me. At the time, I was struggling once again with a couple of things: my inability to know for sure whether I truly know all of the details, and my desire to reach “forgiveness” even though I wasn’t really sure what that meant.
The first issue seems like it just won’t die. I’ve had several conversations with my wife about it, and while she’s convincing in the moment that I do in fact know all there is to know, the doubts seem to immediately start to seep back in. My therapist suggested that, since there’s really no way for me to know whether she’s telling me the full truth, I could try “acting as if” I do know everything. Just letting it go, in other words.
That seemed to help… for a while. And it’s still better than it once was. But it does still bother me.
I never really thought of the second issue, forgiveness, as related to the first, but my friend made me see things a little differently. What he told me was, “Forgiveness isn’t earned, it’s a gift that’s given. In fact, by definition, forgiveness is extended to those who don’t deserve it.”
Does my wife deserve to be forgiven? I don’t know. Is that for me to decide? Her behavior was, as I’ve characterized it here, despicable. I for sure didn’t deserve what she did to me. On the other hand, her behavior since she truly broke things off with him has been — again, as I’ve characterized it here several times — nothing short of amazing. Has she earned forgiveness through that?
My friend would say that’s irrelevant. She doesn’t need to earn it. I simply need to give it, when I feel like I am able.
So the idea that’s been rolling around in my head recently is, could I reach the point of forgiving her for everything she did, even if it was more than I know about? Would that help me finally stop wondering? Would that help me reach the point where it doesn’t matter anymore? Whatever happened, I forgive it. Done.
I still need to think on that one some more, but it feels like a promising path to consider.
May 26
I just finished a session with my therapist. I really need to put aside these doubts about my wife’s truthfulness about the past. My therapist made me realize the potential destruction there, if I don’t cut it out. If I keep dwelling on it, my wife will eventually reach her limit.
She’s either telling me the truth, or she’s holding back on some details she simply can’t bring herself to tell me. Either way, my therapist says, she’s still doing her best. I should accept her best. She’s doing so much for me. Our relationship is so much better than ever before. I need to focus on that.
May 31
I’ve realized that recently I’ve been letting my anxiety get the better of me. Is my anxiety justified? Maybe to an extent, but only by my wife’s actions in the past, not in the present, and it is creating unnecessary obstacles in our path. My wife has given me no real reason to be concerned about her honesty and commitment to our marriage since she broke things off with the other guy for good, nearly five months ago. My ongoing anxiety is based solely on my overactive imagination.
Two days ago, we had another rough day because of my imagination and anxiety, and I committed to trying harder to soothe myself when the anxiety bubbles up, and to avoid these unnecessary and sometimes hurtful confrontations. My wife has committed to supporting me in those efforts.
Yesterday we had a great day together, start to finish. I’m trying for that again today. Something just happened a few minutes ago that might have made me anxious before — my wife making an unplanned stop on her way home from an appointment. I called her for support, we talked for a minute, I took the time to soothe myself… and it worked. The anxiety settled, I refocused on the present and future instead of the past, and we moved on.
I feel like we’re making it over another hurdle now.