Summary

This article reviews a variety of Advent calendars available this year, ranging from traditional to unconventional, and ultimately argues for the inclusion of Die Hard as a Christmas movie through its themed Advent calendar.

Abstract

The article "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of This Year’s Advent Calendars" provides a humorous critique of the diverse selection of Advent calendars for the 2022 holiday season. It opens by acknowledging the traditional religious origins of Advent calendars and contrasts them with the modern, often commercialized versions, including those filled with alcohol and beauty products. The author categorizes the calendars into "The Good," "The Bad," and "The Ugly," with examples like the Elvis Presley calendar and a noodle-filled calendar illustrating the breadth of available options. The piece culminates with the Die Hard "Hans Gruber Falling Off of Nakatomi Plaza" Advent calendar, using it as a symbol of the broader debate over what constitutes a Christmas movie and expressing a clear stance in favor of Die Hard's inclusion in that category.

Opinions

The author has a consistent annual tradition of reviewing Advent calendars, indicating a personal commitment to the topic.
There is a sense of nostalgia and slight criticism for the commercialization of the Advent season, as the author notes the shift from religious themes to more materialistic ones.
The article expresses humor and slight sarcasm, particularly in the "Bad" and "Ugly" categories, such as mocking the Pringles Advent calendar as self-mocking.
The author takes a tongue-in-cheek approach to the religious aspects of Christmas, joking about the disconnect between traditional Advent definitions and modern practices.
A clear opinion is voiced against the sexualization of Christmas with the mention of the Lovehoney Rose Sex Toy Advent Calendar, suggesting it is inappropriate for the holiday season.
The author shows cultural bias or preference, as seen in the surprise that an American icon like Elvis Presley is celebrated in an Advent calendar produced by a German company.
There is an underlying debate presented about whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie, with the author firmly in support of its Christmas movie status, as evidenced by the inclusion of a Die Hard-themed Advent calendar in "The Bonus Calendar."

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of This Year’s Advent Calendars

All I want for Christmas is…noodles?

A more traditional Advent calendar (Image: Wikimedia Commons)

This Sunday marks the beginning of Advent, which means it is time again for my annual Advent calendar article (I am nothing if not consistent). The Christmas season snuck up on me yet again this year, to the point that I was shocked when I realized the radio stations had converted over to Christmas music for the next month. Time marches on.

Let’s once again get the actual definition of “Advent” out of the way first: according to Merriam-Webster’s it is: 1) the period beginning four Sundays before Christmas and observed by some Christians as a season of prayer and fasting, and 2) a coming into being or use, as in the advent of spring. Neither definition fits what the holiday season has become, but griping about it just makes me look like the Grinch and changes nothing.

The two most common items associated with the Advent season today are the Advent wreath (which has a candle for each Sunday, three purple and one rose-colored) and the Advent calendar. The Advent calendar is a fairly recent addition to our Christmas traditions; it was first introduced by German Lutherans in the 1800s and featured an obviously religious theme, usually a manger scene. Later calendars incorporated Saint Nicholas and winter motifs. Given some of what you will see below, maybe those wacky Germans should have spent less time on calendars and more time figuring out how to not lose a world war.

Until recently, Advent calendars were solely focused on kids and featured kid-centric things: cartoon characters, Legos, Harry Potter, and lots of chocolate. Lately, however, adults seem to have taken over the Advent calendar market, with a heavy emphasis on booze and beauty products; nothing welcomes the Savior quite like a mini bottle of Jack Daniels and a gift card from Ulta. Here are a few from this year that stand out to me, and not always in an “Away in a Manger” sort of way.

Though the title of this piece riffs on the classic Clint Eastwood film, I am doing these out of order so you’re not left feeling glum for the holidays; we’ll look at the bad, the ugly, and finally the good, with one very special one at the end.

THE BAD:

12 Days of Noodles Advent Calendar

Maybe this one is designed for the poor college student in your life, but wouldn’t they want something better than the three-for-a-dollar bargain noodles they have been living on for the past four months? At least “12 Days of SPAM” or “12 Days of Beanie Weenies” would have had some protein. It could have been worse though; they could have made it for 24 days instead of just 12.

Pringles 12 Day of Christmas Advent Calendar

Potato chips. Seriously. I don’t even have to say anything; this one mocks itself.

THE UGLY:

Lovehoney Rose Sex Toy Advent Calendar

First off, there is an image available but you’re not getting it here. I am firmly entrenched on Santa’s naughty list for any number of reasons and I’m not adding some poor child accidentally seeing this to that list. The folks at Lovehoney made my first collection of bad Advent calendars back in 2021 with a variation on this year’s theme; I guess if something works you stick with it. It’s apparently a bargain too, with “12 days’ worth of pleasure-bestowing products” for only $119.00 (marked down from $240.99). Sexualizing the lead-up to Jesus’ birth will not go over well come Judgement Day. Just sayin’.

THE GOOD:

The Elvis Presley Advent Calendar

I was sorely tempted to put this one in the “bad” category simply because the only Advent calendar of an American icon was created by a German company (and manufactured in China). If you think for one minute that Elvis and Christmas don’t go together, try to think of a single holiday season when “Blue Christmas” wasn’t playing in every store you visited. In fact, it’s so good that I’m including it here:

The Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol Advent Calendar

This one is old-fashioned, exactly as it should be. We learned the story of Jesus’ birth from the gospel of Luke and got the idea for Advent calendars from a bunch of Lutherans, but Charles Dickens essentially invented what we think of when we think of Christmas. Basing an Advent calendar on his classic A Christmas Carol was a stroke of genius that surpasses all other calendars except for the one that follows.

THE BONUS CALENDAR THAT PROVES SANTA IS REAL:

The Die Hard “Hans Gruber Falling Off of Nakatomi Plaza” Advent Calendar

There is vindication, and then there is Advent calendar vindication. If you have read my article confirming that Die Hard is absolutely a Christmas movie and followed my ongoing battle with Eric Pierce over this issue, you know that this is vindication of the sweetest kind. The item’s description on the Leatherhead Laser Works website sums it up perfectly: “There are two types of people; those that believe Die Hard is the best Christmas movie, and those that are wrong.”

God bless us, everyone.

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