Advice to a Young Man

Including a few things you don’t expect to hear

Tomorrow, November 19th, is International Men’s Day. I wanted to write something about men, but I am going on a road trip to the magical national parks of Southern Utah and I was running out of time. However, this morning I woke up early and got inspired to write this.

1) Be proud to be a man

These days you will hear many bad things about men. This may bring you down and start you doubting who you are. Ignore them. It’s just political posturing, empty rhetoric put in place instead of actually doing something to help women. Hatred does not bring about change.

Be proud to be a man. Not because it’s better than being a woman, but because you are stuck with being a man. Yes, it is possible to transition to being a woman, but one should do that only when facing gender dysphoria.

There is nothing intrinsically better or worse about being a man.

You can be as feminine as you want, but I would encourage you to explore your masculinity. Find out who you are. Find your own way to be a man. Explore the many positives qualities of masculinity, like courage, self-reliance, self-restraint, integrity, confidence, humbleness, stoicism, resilience and personal power.

2) Get your anger under control

Men are different from women in that our anger is so strong that can blind us and get us out of control. Anger will make you stupid and do things you later regret.

The best way to control your anger is to nip it in the bud. Practice mindfulness to get in touch with your emotions. Beware of those that lead to anger, like impatience, annoyance and contempt, and learn how to step away from them before they grow into anger.

If you find yourself in a situation where your anger starts to get out of control, walk away. Find a place to be alone until you calm down. Do things that shift your emotional state, like reading a novel or watching a movie.

Cultivate good emotional habits by being aware of your mental state and putting yourself in situations that improve your mood. Develop positive emotions like joy, curiosity, interest, love, good humor, amusement, empathy, and the most important, compassion.

3) Never, ever, hit a woman

Even if she hits you. If a woman attacks you verbally or physically, or triggers your anger, walk away. In a physical confrontation with a woman, there is no way on Earth you can win. If she hurts you, you’ll end up in the hospital. If you hurt her, you’ll end up in jail.

Do not use any kind of physical aggression towards a woman. Do not shove her. Do not punch around her. Do not throw things. Do not move in threatening ways. Do not scream or threaten her. That’s why it is crucial that you get your anger under control.

Don’t fight with men, either. That doesn’t usually end well.

4) Sex and love are some of the best things you will experience in life

I know: sex looks pretty scary these days. There just doesn’t seem to be a way to do it right. Start by understanding your own body. Masturbate creatively, trying different things. Understand your mind and your desires, finding out the things that turn you on. Follow your sexual fantasies. When you have mastered that, you will be able to do the same things with your lovers, exploring their fantasies as well as yours.

Relationships are guaranteed to break your heart. Most romantic relationships you will have in your life will end sooner or later. So get used to it. Be prepared for it. If your heart gets broken, grieve, talk to your friends, let go, and move on.

Still, it is worth it. Some of the most beautiful and enriching experiences I had in my life were sexual or romantic. Don’t let fear clip your wings. When you look back, it will be better to have loved and gotten a heartbreak than to live a life that was just blah.

Incels are losers.

Don’t be a loser. If you feel insecure about your looks, work out. If you feel that you are not the sharpest knife in the drawer, exercise your brain. Intellectual activity increases the number of synapses in your brain, just like physical exercise makes your muscles bigger. So read, write, study, play chess, engage in deep conversations with smart people. That will make you smarter.

But keep in mind that many women will value your wits, sense of humor and humble honesty more than large biceps and a six-pack. At least the women that are worth to have around.

And if you ever like another guy, and it is mutual, get it on with him. Don’t be afraid to be heteroflexible, bisexual or plainly gay.

5) Always get consent for sex

I know, I know: you are not a rapist. Well, stay that way. Do not do anything that will give anybody reason to call you that. Remember: yes means yes. Always get positive consent before doing anything sexual, even touching or kissing. Ask “is it okay if I (kiss, hug, touch, hold) you?”

Do not have sex with an intoxicated woman, unless this has been clearly negotiated and consent has been obtained when she is sober.

Make sure a woman is fully informed of what you want to do with her and how is likely to make her feel. Negotiate sex by talking about limits, turn-ons and fantasies. It will be more fun that way, trust me.

It is a good idea to use a safeword so that a woman can withdraw consent at any moment without having to give any awkward explanations.

6) Stay away from the Angry Woman

Women are having important conversations about predatory men. It’s time we men do the same thing about female abusers.

News break: not everybody with a pussy is a saint.

There are women out there who hate men. Maybe they think that it’s the feminist thing to do. Maybe they carry resentment or trauma from previous relationships. Maybe they do not understand their own sexuality and blame their fears and insecurities on you. Whatever the reason, it’s not your job to fix them. Just walk away when you see the danger signs.

The Angry Woman is often bad at sex. Her anger keeps her from having orgasms, and she will blame it on you.

The Angry Woman will find ways to hurt you psychologically. She will play mind games that will sap your self-esteem until she turns you into a rug. Don’t underestimate her power.

The most dangerous thing about an angry woman is that she will trigger your own anger, which is more dangerous than hers. If you are good at self-control, you may manage to fend your anger the first few times, but it will eventually get you. Then you will do things that are unbecoming of you. Walk away before it’s too late!

7) Do not shun neurodivergent or traumatized women

Traumatized or neurodivergent women are not the same as the Angry Woman, although they may get out of control occasionally. The difference is that they know they have a problem and will freely admit it, whereas the Angry Woman blames others, has no self-awareness, and is not willing to do the work to get better.

There are a lot of traumatized women out there. They may have been hurt during childhood or in previous relationships. They may have been raped. It falls on us to take part of the bad karma that is out in the world, and make it better. Even if it hurts us. Remember, it doesn’t hurt us as bad as them.

Some women have mental diseases. They may be anxious, depressed, autistic, or even be bipolar or have other serious mental problems. I have dated neurodivergent women and found them to be some of the loveliest people I have met. They are not “crazy” but as worthy of love as a woman with a physical disability.

8) Cultivate friendships with both men and women

It’s stupid to see women just as potential sex partners and men as potential competitors.

Friends are not second-best to lovers, friends are the best thing in life. Friends are your secret weapon, your safe port, the best source of fun and good times. Helping a friend in need is one of the best feelings you’ll ever have.

Choose your friends with a care. Make sure they are good people, wise and loyal. They don’t need to be perfect, they just need not to be assholes.

Have male friends, female friends and, if you can find them, gay friends. They will enrich your life with their different perspectives.

9) Befriend a wise, older person who can be your mentor

Sure, old age does not guarantee wisdom. There many old fools out there. Still, there is some kind of knowledge that comes with experience. Older men can help you avoid the mistakes that they made, teach you to do things that took them a long time to learn.

A mentor doesn’t have to be perfect. Nobody is. Beware of self-appointed gurus, they will let you down. A good mentor will tell you that he knows a lot about some things and nothing about others. Wise men may be humble and self-effacing, but not always. An arrogant jerk could also be a good teacher. Use your judgement to know what to take and what to leave.

If somebody higher in your career takes you under his (or her) wing, seize the opportunity! It may not come again. This is worth more than hundreds of thousands of dollars in college education. They will give you much more than you can give them back, and that’s okay. The way to pay them back is through loyalty and gratitude. That’s how life works: when you have knowledge, you give it away. Just remember to pay it back to younger people when it’s your turn to be older and wiser.

10) Get in touch with nature

The city will drain your energy and dry your heart. Get out. Get away. Find beautiful places where you can be alone and soak the magical beauty of nature. You need that to stay sane.

11) Challenge yourself to do something that scares you

You can only develop your courage by facing your fears. The physical fear of getting hurt. The emotional fear of facing your inner monsters.

Masculinity gives you a doorway to a place where facing fear becomes joyous. Learn how to open that door, in whichever way works for you. But be smart and be safe. You don’t need to put yourself or others in danger to confront fear. Activities like rock-climbing, sky-diving, or riding a roller-coaster can scare the bejesus out of you without putting you in too much danger.

Don’t get into fights, do stupid dares, or drive recklessly.

12) Cry a little, laugh a lot

I don’t think I have to explain that.

Enough said.