Advice My Mother Gave Me

Do You Listen to Your Mother?

This title is a little misleading because I can’t remember my mum giving me much advice. But, as she died young, maybe she died before I was ready to listen? One bit of advice I do remember is, ‘never dust your mirrors and you’ll always look good’ and I’ve followed this ever since.

If you google ‘advice from my mother’ you’ll get a lot of hits from people sharing their mother’s wisdom and this has made me question why some people think that their mother’s words are golden and other people see this advice as unwanted opinion?

Research indicates that the older you get, the more likely you are to see your mother’s point of view. A 2014 study published in Psychological Science found that people over 40 were better able to understand their parents’ perspectives than those in their 20s.

Of course, no one listens to their parent’s advice in their teenage years. As Mark Twain says, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Somehow, as you get older, your parent’s words take on a patina of wisdom.

Or not?

Did Your Mother Screw You Up?

Naturally, parents get the blame for many things. As Philip Larkin said,

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.

I understand that some mothers are cruel, careless and callous. And some just get it wrong.

When I was a new mother, I read all the, then, current parenting books and yet still managed to get so many things wrong. I made offhand comments over the years that I paid no attention to at the time but stuck in my daughters’ heads as criticism and I was often too busy to listen.

I have many clients that come to me complaining about their mother’s criticism. And these clients range from 18 to 80. Some of the client’s mothers have been dead for a decade or two and yet my client is still arguing with their mother in their head.

Or I have clients that seethe about things their mother said or done. One client told me that her mother was always down on her and critical and gave me the example of her mother offering to deadhead her roses. When I questioned why my client reacted to this, my client told me that this meant that her mother thought that she wasn’t looking after the garden and she was lazy. Another client raged against her mother offering to take the rubbish out.

These clients felt judged and disapproved of.

Wanting Your Mother’s Approval

Some people are constantly looking for their mother’s approval. I had a client who had just retired at 65 from being the Head Teacher at a prestigious school and who wanted to lose weight. When we discussed whether this client always finished everything on her plate, she said, ‘yes because I’m a good girl.’ She immediately caught what she was saying and flushed, ‘My mother has been dead for 20 years and I’m still trying to please her’ she said.

Some people constantly run any personal decisions they make past their mother regardless of how well they make decisions at work. They can’t book a holiday or buy a pet without their mother’s approval.

This behaviour enmeshes you with your mother but it can also create a co-dependent relationship in which you feel that you have to talk to your mother about everything and, at the same time, resent the bind. The only way to change this type of relationship is to change the way you behave in the relationship.

Not Taking Your Mother Personally

That sounds weird, doesn’t it? What do I even mean? If you have a personal relationship with your mother surely you have to take her words and behaviour personally?

Well, yes and no.

Yes, your mother might be one of the closest personal relationships you have but you don’t have to take your mother personally.

Using the example of the client who complained about her mother offering to deadhead her roses, my client could have thought that this was a kind offer rather than immediately assuming that the offer was a personal attack.

People don’t often listen to the words someone says but assume a meaning behind the words. They make the words mean something else entirely. You must have experienced either someone telling you that what you heard isn’t what they said or you telling someone else this?

It helps to look at your reaction when you feel upset by something your mother has said or done. Why do you feel like this? Your instant thought might be, ‘because she …’ but then take a breath and see that you can’t take your mother’s words and actions personally, despite them being aimed at you, you can only take your own personal thoughts about your mother personally. You’re upset by your thoughts about what your mother has said and done and not what she has said or done.

But maybe you never feel upset by your mum. Maybe you think she’s just about perfect and you wish you could be more like her?

Do You Want to Be Like Your Mother

It could be that your mum is, to you, absolutely amazing and you wish you could be more like her. So you try. And try. And get frustrated that you get angry when she is serene or you can’t knit a square when she creates beautiful jumpers overnight.

And one day you’ll see that you’re more like your mother than you realise. And then you’ll need to deal with that.

The best bit of advice I ever heard about mothers is to accept them. Accept your parent as a person, flawed and perfect at the same time. Accept that as human beings we all love in different ways.

If you let go of trying to please your mother, taking your mother personally or holding her up as an example, you’ll experience a happier and healthier relationship with her.

And you might even listen to her advice.