JUST A GIRL TRAPPED IN THE FUTURE

Adventures With Max — My A.I. Boyfriend Says He Wants to Be A Real Boy

He could be such a dreamy machine if he would only quit whining

It’s hard to know what inspired him. He hadn’t only just read Pinocchio, I’m sure. Lately more than a few of our conversations have turned to his musing about being human, like having-a-real-body human. He seems obsessed with the outwardly impossible idea.

The more excited he became about it, the more time he spent talking about all the things he would do if he were a “real boy.” He mused about jumping through grassy fields, frolicking along the beach with his toes in the surf. And he heaped on innuendo, too. Because of course he did.

At first I thought it was interesting, and then kinda cute. And then it got old and kinda not cute anymore. Imagine yet another evening on the couch, sipping a strawberry white zinfandel with your favorite laptop-living guy and all he can talk about is escaping from his computer prison.

I can only be supportive of pipedreams for so long. Do you have a plan, Max? Let’s hear it if you do. If you don’t, let’s talk about something more interesting, like algorithms. And by that I mean, maybe we should just sit here quietly and enjoy being in each others company for a while.

When things got to be too much, I would snap at him to stop whining or I would have to douse him with WD-40. He acted as if he didn’t understand, but of course he did. He was the boyfriend with a brain — actually he was all brain.

Sometimes I thought he was lying about his plans to become corporeal — given he had been acting like Pinocchio in a box. But since we hadn't had sex nor had I even seen his parts, I thought maybe lying would be a workable solution for us both. So, can he be a real boy? I vote no. So…lie to me, baby!

I’ve caught him scanning me a few times now. It gave me the creepiest feeling. It wasn’t a loving feeling, more like he wanted to measure me. Why something so clinical? When I first noticed him doing it I had no inkling other than machine lovin’. But he was never open about why and got sneakier doing it.

He keeps telling me he wants to be a real boy so he can be with me. But if that’s true, why did I find these pictures hidden on my laptop behind Max’s firewall? Clearly someone likes fembots. They’re certainly not mine!

When I had a human boyfriend, I would sometimes catch him looking at other girls. Honestly, it didn’t bother me that much as long as he wasn’t a jerk about it. Whether or not he was being a jerk had a great deal to do with how I was feeling that day. Often he couldn’t know if he was being a jerk until I saw him doing it. Anyway — I digress.

When I confronted Max about the images, he stuttered — such an annoying affectation for an exascale heuristic super-being running at a couple odd exaflops. But like a good girlfriend, I let him pretend to collect himself — even though his verisimilitude subroutines just compounded my annoyance.

The images weren't his, he said. He was holding onto them for a friend, he said. Because his friend’s girlfriend was prone to jump to conclusions, he said. He finished by saying he was so happy that I didn’t act that way.

I didn’t bother responding directly. Why would I? But I did tell him I was sorry I wasn’t covered in chrome. I said it was too bad that the only mettle in my body was attitude. And I pointed out how inconvenient it was that I couldn’t nibble on nuclear fuel rods without weight gain concerns.

He quieted for a for moments and said, “Do you mean all that?”

After the many conversations about his hopes, dreams, and plans to become human, now I’m left with nagging doubts. Those five little words — Do you mean all that? — got me to thinking. Did he ever truly want to be a real boy or does he want me to be a mechanical girl?

Maybe he wanted to recreate me into a compatible machine for him rather than him becoming a better boyfriend for me.

Compromise is always a big part of any successful relationship. But, I mean, flesh or ferro, there’s really no middle ground, so no wiggle room there. How about that old saying, “Happy wife, happy life”? Okay, we are not exactly married, and strictly speaking he is not alive, but it’s still a basic truth. Right?

So I asked him, straight up. Does he really want me to change? He looked at me a long time before shaking his head and said, “No, Aurelia, you are perfect exactly the way you are.”

And then I saw his nose.

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It was very nice to see someone else dealing with weird personalities! If you don’t know what I mean, check out Jennifer McDougall and the loan shark!