Advantages of Being in a Cross-Cultural Relationship

Your noticeable difference is your weapon of advances

I am a Filipino, and my fiancé is a Kiwi/New Zealander. We recently got engaged before this global pandemic broke out. Paul and I met in New Zealand when I was taking my post-graduate degree in 2017. Both of us never had experienced dating someone from a different culture. Therefore, it was challenging when we started building our relationship. Up to this day, we still have moments where our cultural differences get in the way, but that makes this relationship exciting and fun. So, we stuck with each other for the rest of our lives.

Based on our story, we share with you five apparent challenges of being in a cross-cultural relationship. Also, making you understand that these challenges are blessings in disguise.

Communication Dilemma

I can speak fluent English because it is my second language. However, Filipinos use American English and not British English as we were once a colony of the United States. Also, the New Zealanders have a thick distinct accent, which I am not used to hearing. It is not a posh English accent, the ones I typically hear or watch in Hollywood films. So, it is expected that we get lost in translation when we communicate with each other.

Advantage: We talk slowly and listen carefully.

This method’s advantage is that we get to consider our partner’s feelings, especially if they cannot speak a similar language. By doing so, it serves as an empathetic approach to your partner, which lessens the usage of provocative tones that usually create tension in the relationship. Mostly when we talk, it is not the words we’ve said that hurt our partner’s feelings but the manner of how we conveyed it to them. People can handle truth and criticisms, but saying it with an aggressive tone, invites unwanted attack from each other using harmful words. The tendency no one wants to back down because no one wants to listen.

In contrast, by talking slowly, the intention of being understood is more clear. Your partner gets to listen to you attentively as you are trying to communicate. Also, as a bonus, having a partner from another race lets you learn a new language for free.

Upbringing Differences

Paul lives in a well-developed country, and I lived in a developing nation. So, we get to have that First World vs. Third World clash of practices, like our issue on food waste. New Zealanders throw 157,389 tonnes of food a year, and that cost $1.17 billion annually. Whereas in the Philippines, over 2 million families are experiencing moderate-to-severe hunger. When we started dating, I noticed this practice and called his attention because whenever he doesn’t finish his food; he throws it after.

Meanwhile, I didn’t have the concept of work and life balance. Being a Filipino-Chinese, the culture shaped me to work triple hard, so we have food on the table and save more. In the Philippines, people strive all the time, and there’s no concept of mental stress. We shrug it off as many people live in poverty, and we have no room for mental health issues because there are more pressing problems at hand.

Advantage: We became more respectful of each other’s cultures.

Never use culture as a weapon to attack each other because that is an unfair argument. From the very start, when you dated someone outside of your culture, you knew the differences are palpable. Instead of criticizing, learn from each other, meet half-way, and make a synergy of cultural practices.

Going back to our food waste issue, when I explained to my partner why we never throw food away, he understood and respected that. Eventually, he started doing his fair share as he became more aware of the Philippines’ condition when he visited the country. Now, even if he dine out with his friends and could not finish his plate, he takes his left overs and eats it the next day — no more food wasting. Also, he became more appreciative of what he has living in such a scenic country.

In my case, I valued the importance of giving myself a break. By doing so, I get to nurture other essential aspects of my life that I have been neglecting for years, which is my mental health. I thanked my partner for teaching me the significance of work and life balance — we work to live and not the other way around.

When Homesickness Strikes

Living in New Zealand, I missed my family and friends and the life I had back home, especially during Christmas. In the Philippines, we kick-off the Yuletide season as early as September. In New Zealand, even the Christmas Day itself is quiet.

Advantage: You are building your new life together

Sometimes I get so emotional when I miss my family, friends, and my life back home. But my partner keeps supporting me, and he always takes me to his family and friends’ gatherings to make me feel that I am embraced and loved.

Homesickness is real. It gives your partner emotional stress by being away from the people and life they used to have. However, by being supportive and acknowledging their feelings instead of undermining, you get to trust each other more, which is essential in forming a stable relationship’s foundation. You will soon build your own family, group of friends and traditions in your new home.

Subjective Humor

New Zealanders have a dry humor, and it takes time to understand why it is funny. My Filipino humor is expressive, close to an exaggeration. It took a while before we finally learn what tickles each other’s bones.

Advantage: We get to accept our differences and poke fun of it.

Instead of criticizing, my partner and I poke fun at each other’s flaws and differences. I mimic his strong Kiwi accent and overplay it while he was impersonating my dramatic movements and facial expressions. Eventually, we found our imperfections and differences amusing.

Apart from the fact that laughter relieves stress, research from Jeffrey A. Hall shows that couples who find humor in their relationship are more comfortable together and stay longer.

“A good sense of humor is one of the most sought out characteristics in a romantic partner… humor is a sexually selected trait that is an honest signal of intelligence and creativity, produced by males to be evaluated and appreciated by females. Therefore, humor production should be moderately correlated with creativity and intelligence, particularly verbal intelligence.”

So, it doesn’t matter if you and your partner don’t have a similar sense of humor as you can create inside jokes that only the two of you can laugh your heart out. Besides, after a long day at work, having a merry laugh with your loved one is enough to end the day right.

Nonstop External Judgement

Even though it’s 2020, people still judge relationships with noticeable skin color contrasts. I am a petite brown woman engaged to a White man, mocking eyes still stare, like I am stealing one of their species, yet I am not even that pale. There will always be that Karen and Ken, which hobbies are condemning people because they don’t fit in their conventional standards.

Advantage: Together, you fight Karens and Kens

This time you are not fighting the battle alone. You fight them together. I remember my fiancé said once:

“I was not fully aware of what White supremacists really like until I started dating you. It is disgusting that these behaviors exist. It hurts me, and it affects me when I hear these White people talk shit about other races as if they are the better kind of human beings.”

I have witnessed my partner courageously call off people with their racist comments, and he does this even to his friends. In this relationship, we protect each other and fight together.

Encapsulate All Advantages

Putting it all together, being in a cross-cultural relationship offers more advantages because of the following reasons:

1. Better communication and understanding by talking slowly and listening carefully.

2. Respect and awareness for other cultures.

3. Building a firm foundation through trust, which is essential in building a family.

4. Develop inside humor using creativity and intelligence.

5. Having a loyal ally to fight racial discrimination.

Inevitably, there will be tons of challenges in a cross-cultural relationship, but that’s precisely what makes it interesting. There will never be a dull moment because your differences make the relationship unique. Hence, the learning journey is never-ending as both of you get to open each other’s eyes to a whole new world.

Besides, having palpable differences, you get to nurture your close similarities while making your diversity as an asset to make the relationship stronger.