Adoration Begins with You, Dear One
It strikes me as peculiar how clearly I could see a lack of self-love in others. All the while rather clueless of its scarcity in my own life.
Did you always know you were supposed to love yourself? Who taught you that? How old were you? What is it that you genuinely LOVE about yourself? Even on your worst days, what is it about yourself that you cannot deny adoring?
Those last 2 questions are the ones I’m often stumped by. A large part of my healing journey revolves around answering them without a long pause. Without, instead, going on an extended diatribe about the personality traits I wished I had or how much better I’d look with different bone structure and more flattering body fat distribution. But, genetics are just like that box of chocolates Forrest Gump’s Mama told him about.
Chromosomes aside, I have a deep yearning to be at peace with who I am. What I look like. What it feels like to be in my own skin.
The warm admiration I experience observing women who appear to be confident within themselves and comfortable with their entire being. I crave intensely to feel that same kind of pride and security about myself. But, I’m not there yet.
Truth is, I wasn’t even aware until recently, that I had an obligation to like, love and accept myself. All I’ve known up to this point was how to become a subject matter expert on the people I sought validation from. Also, how to shrink and hide myself whenever people pleasing failed. A hallmark characteristic of someone that loves themselves, sure.
Growing up, I was the fat kid that got teased and bullied incessantly. I couldn’t understand why kids my age were so cruel, what did I do? What was wrong with me? I was born this way, literally. A 10lb 2oz baby. But, did those kids need to know that detail in order to be kind to me? Hell, my mother birthed me and she didn’t have anything nice to say about my size either.
Shunned at home. Shunned outside. How does a kid process this damaging kind of treatment? How does a kid, with no positive reinforcement around, prevent themselves from having their self-esteem chiseled down to bits, by every person they encounter? How does a kid halt themselves from developing a negative self-image?
Someone told me once, I have to learn to be okay with the answers I’ll never get. Turns out they were spot on.
It wasn’t until I began therapy, in my early 30s, that I learned I have an obligation to love myself. Nevermind that no one gave me the syllabus on self-love. I’m here now and I’m aware of the missing key elements in my life. Elements that will, undoubtedly, serve as solid foundation upon which I can begin to build a much healthier life and sense of self.
Learning to love myself has become quite the project. I’ve come to realize this journey to self-love is only dark and solemn if I make it so. Shifting my focus away from what got me here and onto the fact that I can change what’s within my control.
Challenging my mind to abandon bad programming started with a choice to view myself differently. A choice to plot out a road map leading to the renewal of my mind.
Outlining each area of mastery and the steps to reaching them is helping me organize my mental space on this journey. I’ll share a short version of my execution list on the path to Self-love:
- Establish Your Identity- Who are you? What are 5 core things that make you unique? What are your 5 core life values? Which 5 habits or changes have the highest potential to position you closer to self-love?
- Radical Acceptance- Write down everything you’ve been the most critical towards yourself about. Write & recite a daily forgiveness affirmation for each of these things (i.e. I am forgiving myself for _____). Detach from old programming!
- Fill up your Self-care tool kit- Create a daily morning, after work and sleep routine; recalibrate before moving on to the next part of your day. Experiment & uncover new, nourishing ways to check in with & take care of yourself. Practice giving yourself the attentiveness you desired from others.
- Abandon Comparisons- Ritualize releasing your insecurities: write them down & burn them or fold them up & bury them. Practice mindfulness with your personal progress & always celebrate your gains.
- Be Gentle with Yourself- Practice extending patience to yourself while you’re growing, all new things take time to master. Practice speaking kindly about yourself even on the rough days; that’s when your subconscious needs it most. Practice resisting self-isolation; you deserve compassion from others when you’re learning to be self-compassionate.
I am intentionally putting all of this messaging out into the universe for myself first. But, also hoping that my vulnerability helps someone.
Truly, thank you for reading.
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