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Seven ADHD Life Hacks Courtesy of a Neurodivergent Lady Who Is Still Alive

I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I?

I have ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was 20. I’m 37 now. I’m not young, but I’m not old.

I’m juuuuussssst right. And ready to reveal my secrets!

As I like to tell my husband when he backseat chefs and tries to teach me for the one-zillionth time how to safely use a knife,

“See these bad boys? I’ve gotten this far and I still have all my fingers! So give the lady holding a knife some space.”

You see? I’ve got skills. I’ve got hacks. I haven’t won a Darwin award...yet. I’m a mom, a (Medium) writer, a reluctant employee, and a certified pre-owned Toyota Corolla owner. A small handful of people call me their loyally inattentive friend. I’ve got this life thing down, and I want to share with you, dear reader, how I make it through each day.

I’ve unveiled a few stellar tips in prior articles, but here they are, kit and caboodle — at least the ones I can remember on my lunch break.

Without further ado, my ADHD life hacks:

1. Lie to yourself

I know, I know, isn’t gaslighting yourself a bad idea? I used to hate the advice, “fake a smile, it’ll become real!” I thought, if I have to bare my coffee-streaked teeth in order to be happy, I may as well nope myself back to bed, but the right lies can get you through the day.

Lies that work can become mantras. This time of year, this lie-mantra surrounds my aura and lifts my spirits:

Your dandruff shampoo is working.

Your dandruff shampoo is working.

Your dandruff shampoo is working.

Sorry, you can’t have my lie-mantra. You’ll have to come up with your own.

2. Floss in the shower

People with ADHD can struggle with time management, hygiene and being bored out of their forking skulls. Most things are boring, unfortunately, but if you multi-task enough, you can do the boring things AND still have teeth when you’re in your 40s. I floss, brush, and use mouthwash in the shower.

Does that gross you out? I don’t really care. I forget to rinse out my conditioner twice a week, but I still have teeth.

3. Apply your makeup in the car — no, not while driving!

I leave my house for work as late as I possibly can without being more than 15–20 minutes late. I park, THEN I apply my makeup in the sun visor mirror.

How does this save time, you might ask? Well, dear reader, if you’re already late, you’re going to do the rushed abridged 45 second version of the spaced-out routine that somehow takes you 20 minutes at home.

Honestly, I look the same whichever version I choose, but I have a better chance of keeping my job.

4. Keep sticks of deodorant EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE

This one is important. If you don’t have a stick of deodorant in your shoe rack, next to your keys, four places in your bedroom, in your car, your desk, and your bathroom, you WILL be caught with your proverbial pants down reeking of red onion. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants that.

5. Keep a Tide to-go stick in your purse

Okay, this one is a red herring. I absolutely do not do that. I merely wanted to smoothly segue to…

6. Don’t carry a purse

I don’t. It’s just another thing to lose. Do I have one of those snap-on wallets you keep on the back of your phone?

Wouldn’t THAT be a great way to lose all your credit cards AND your phone?

I keep my credit cards, driver’s license, sandwich coupons — the whole George Costanza nine yards — loose in my left jacket pocket.

I’ve been doing this for years now, and I haven’t lost a single important 2x3" item since.

There are pros to always being cold — your jacket is never far from your mind and your identity isn’t stolen.

7. Lower your expectations for yourself.

I know, I know, why are you being a Negative Nancy, Laura?

First I ask, what did Negative Nancy ever do to you to get that mean nickname?

Secondly, the truth is that part of practicing self love and kindness is not holding yourself to impossibly high standards just because, in my case anyway, one day you’re hyper-focused and think you can achieve it all, and when you can’t, you get a serious case of the gloomies.

Don’t neg yourself out of existence, don’t settle — I’m not your mom who desperately wants grandkids — but don’t approach a long-term goal as though it can be achieved instantly after the right meditation or caffeine source.

I’ll clean that spilled foundation off my car’s seat some day, just not today. It’s 21 degrees out, for cry eye! If only I had a Tide pen…