THE SALSA SCREEN

Actors I Would Beat Up If I Was John Fucking Cena

Being built like John Cena has its advantages. You’d be buff. You’d be hot. You’d be able to throat-punch any fucker who disrespects you. Sure, you look dumb as shit and get treated like a Ken Doll. And yes, you will no longer be able to wipe your arse like 90% of the adulting world, but fuck it…you can literally wipe the arse off any fucker who messes with you!

You are John Fucking Cena and you don’t give a fuck.

Who would you crush first? What Hollywood actor pisses you off and you want to go full-nuclear on their pansy ass?

Here would be my top ten stomps if I was built like John Fucking Cena and had a hard-on for hating actors. Please note: I will only kick the living shit out of male actors. I’m not an animal. I respect women. Their boyfriends? Not so much.

John Cena’s Top Ten Shit Kicking List.

1. Mel Gibson This antisemitic jew-baiting clown is at the very top of my shit-kicking list. Gibson is a gobby shite undeserved of praise. Lethal Weapon? Not anymore Giblet. You’re about as lethal as a toddler in a blow-up castle. I’m going to stomp all over your misogynistic face. You’re a cunt, Gibson.
2. John Cusack Fuck you, Cusack. Fuck you for stealing the heart of my girlfriend with your long coat stereo pumping antics. Fuck you for raising the bar on how a boyfriend should behave. Fuck you for being so cool that even the world blowing apart couldn’t slow you down. Fuck your unchanged, unchallenging hairstyle and your pasty skin that has an aversion to the sun. Fuck you for turning records stores into cool hangouts and ruining it for all righteous music lovers. And fuck you again for not supporting indie music stores. I don’t give a fuck if someone tells me this is a lie. Fuck them too. This is my narrative and I’m John fucking Cena ready to stomp on Ballsack.
3. Ryan Reynolds He’s too nice. Too perfect. Too sweet. Too funny. Too much in love with one of the hottest women in Hollywood. Too stable. Too smarmy. Oh my fucking god why doesn’t Reynolds just fuck up once in his life? What does it take for this exceptional human to fall off his pedestal? Reynolds is the school jock that everybody adores. Reynolds is the popular rich kid who has it all. Reynolds is perfection and as John Cena, there is room for only one perfect specimen and that’s me, John Fucking Cena. I’m sorry Reynolds, but I’m going to break you in two and love every moment of it.
4. Tom Cruise The uber-male who thinks he’s the hottest fucker on the planet. I’m here to tell you Cruise, I’m John Fucking Cena and eat bite-sized nibblets like you for breakfast. I don’t care how many Weetabix you eat in the morning or how many stunts you can jerk off to in a day's work. That ain’t fucking acting Cruise. That’s called being a stuntman. Let the professionals do their job and you get on with pretending you have an emotional range.
5. Rhys Ifans There may have been a time when Hollywood considered you funny. We need a wacky character to fill in the stories. What’s that Welsh twats name? Rice? Race? Wrist? Whisk? Why do we always have to see you semi-naked? You’re not buff. You’re not John Fucking Cena. You’re a clown Ifans. Notting Hill is full of mediocre stars and you’re the biggest disappointment of them all. Scary Man-Lizard? Fuck off Ifans, you’ll be shitting your tail for decades whenever you think back to what John Fucking Cena did to you.
6. Hugh Grant While we’re out demolishing the luvvie duvvies of British actors, let's take a moment to dismantle Grunt limb by fucking limb. Any man who chooses a street walker over Liz Hurley deserves to get their arse kicked. Smug. Arrogant. And very fucking wet. Do you know what happens every time I get a script sent to me and it’s a fucking rom-com? They ask…can you be more like Hugh Grant? Dappish. What the fucking hell is dappish? I’m John Fucking Cena.
7. Jude Law Jude is not cool. He’s an uptight pest squeezed into the body of a fourteen-year-old. As John Fucking Cena, it is my duty to body shame anybody who fails to measure up to my incredible anatomy. I’m fucking huge. I’m the biggest fucking deal to come out of wrestling…ever. Squirm Jude Law. I’m coming for you. I’m raging against the British establishment of Shakespearean wankers who think they can act better than me. I saw you in Contagion. Do you call that acting bubble boy? I will lay waste to your entire frame and then cook you with a side order of fried eggs, sunny fucking side up. What? Do you think that’s very specific? I’m John Fucking Cena and I answer to NOBODY.

Who am I fucking kidding? I don’t need ten on a hit list. I’ll fucking smash them all. I’m John Fucking Cena and I don’t give a crap.

Fuck yeah! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

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