Acing Relationships

Dads’ Survival Guide: Partnering — Our Relationships

Dads are great at relationships.

OK, perhaps that’s a modest exaggeration.

Dads hope to be great at relationships. Our aspiration. Hmmm. ‘Great’ may not be the operative word. How ‘bout better? Every Dad can sign up for that. Getting better at relationships.

Relationships don’t come easy to Dads. Not how we’re wired. Men are excellent at the physical stuff. We’re strong. Aggressive. Resourceful. Part of our hunter background. Dads are thinkers. Strategizers. We can build. And fix things. In fact, we’re aces at fixing. Ask our wives. Well… maybe not.

Relationships are challenging. Exasperating. Bewildering. They require expertise in all sorts of ‘soft skills’. Tapping our EQ rather than IQ. Listening. Affirming. Empathizing. Encouraging. Not exactly in a Dad’s wheelhouse.

Problem is, relationships are central to every part of a Dad’s life. Our marriages. The kids. Family. Friends. Community. At the firm, as well. Our work teams. Clients. Investors. The Board.

Dads need to be great at relationships. Well…better, anyway. How are we going to do that?

Head vs. Heart

Humans are relational by nature. Part of our tribal design. We need one another to survive.

We begin honing these skills as infants. Instinctively understanding the need to bond with our parents. Family. Friends. Classmates. Socialization techniques are learned behaviors. We watch and observe those around us. Developing and improving as we mature.

Mastering relational capabilities require a mix of head and heart. Thought. And thoughtfulness. Insight. And intuition. Candor. And care. Levity. Latitude. And nurturing.

Dads are solid on the head stuff. With the heart; not so much. We must be sensitive to others’ feelings and emotions. Exhibit kindness and compassion to establish a sense of safety. Foundational to engendering trust. Transparency. And intimacy. From which our deepest relationships can emerge.

These competencies can’t be ignored. In fact, they must be continually developed. Uggh. Sooo much work.

Laws of Socialization

Sadly, Dads don’t operate in an alternate universe. Where relationships are immune to the laws of human nature. Or socialization rules.

We can’t have endless, one-sided conversations. Yammering on indefinitely. Expecting others to remain engaged. (Or feign interest.) And we can’t blithely ignore those speaking to us. Scrolling through our social feeds rather than paying attention. Nor can we continually ask for favors. Without offering help in return.

Sure, our best buds may cut us some slack. Let the most egregious no-no’s slide. And we do the same for them. But let’s not confuse drinking mate friendships with everyday relationships.

There are basics to human interaction. Applying to everyone. Dads. Moms. Even teens. We all understand the social fundamentals. Appropriate behaviors. Communal cues. The back and forth necessary to create a connection. Bonding. Sustainable ties for lasting togetherness.

And we all recognize relational shortcuts have consequences. Immediate. And long term. Sadly, when it comes to relationships, Dads take lots of shortcuts. A one-way ticket to the doghouse.

Relational Effort

Truth is, Dads can be great at relationships. When we want to be.

Courting our wives. Talking up the kids’ coaches. Or local zoning officials. We’re excellent when managing the big-wigs. Landing key clients. Or wooing investors. We can be fully dialed in. Focused. Attentive. All the skills we know are necessary to deliver the desired outcome.

So, why aren’t we this way in all our relationships? All the time? We’re certainly capable. And competent.

Relationships require a level of intentionality. Cultivating. Maintaining. Repairing.

Sometimes, Dads take relationships for granted. Assuming we’re good. When we’re not. Allowing important relationships to sour. Because of a lack of attention. Or exertion. Ironically, this can happen with those closest to us. Key colleagues. Parents and siblings. OUR WIVES.

Relationships don’t always go well. The typical ups and downs make others upset. Offended. Ornery. Vindictive. Which is distressing to us. Leaving us frustrated. Aggravated. Providing less incentive to try. So we don’t.

And often, Dads are just plain tired. Worn out by the pressure and busyness of daily life. Too exhausted to work at our relationships. Unable (or unwilling) to take the time. So we don’t.

Then we pay the consequences. The price for shortcuts. Making things worse. Spiraling relationships in the wrong direction. Sometimes a death spiral.

First is First

Granted, Dads struggle with relationships. Interacting. Connecting. All that soft stuff. But Dads are loving. A natural part of being a Father. We’re generous of heart. Tender. Affectionate. Ask our kids. They’ll vouch for how devoted dear ole Dad can be.

And Dads are capable of anything when we set our minds. And put our heart into it.

So where should we start?

First, make the most important relationships, most important. Family is Priority One. The primary focus of our attention. Above all else. Including work. Jobs come and go. Wives and children do not.

Nothing is more vital to a child’s development than observing how we as Dads love Mom.

Regardless of our marital situation. Caring for her. Listening. Being present. Validating. Acknowledging. And responding appropriately. Without jumping immediately to Mr. Fixit mode.

The manner in which we love our wives sets the example for our sons. How they should treat women. And demonstrates to our daughters how they should expect to be treated. Respected. Honored. And revered.

Promote Mom. Whenever possible. Proclaim her gifts. And talents. Publicly. Those endearing qualities we loved from the beginning. And have grown to appreciate even more.

Be first to admit when we’re wrong. Mistaken. Shouldering the blame. Rather than pointing fingers. Be merciful. Forgiving. Offering the benefit of the doubt. And an endless supply of grace.

These are the examples our kids will remember. Learn. And hopefully, apply in their own lives.

Dads may not be great at relationships. Yet. But we’re trying. And getting better.

Go, Dads. Go.