Summary

The article discusses the misuse and overuse of the term "gaslighting," emphasizing that not all memory discrepancies or conflicting statements are malicious or manipulative, and suggests addressing misunderstandings through civilized conversation rather than quick accusations.

Abstract

The author of the article observes a trend on social media where the term "gaslighting" is frequently and sometimes inappropriately used to describe misunderstandings or memory lapses. The piece argues that genuine gaslighting involves deliberate manipulation with malicious intent, distinguishing it from situations where people simply have poor memory or speak impulsively without follow-through. Using the author's mother as an example, the article illustrates how forgetfulness and impulsivity can be mistaken for gaslighting, causing unnecessary conflict. The author advocates for understanding and communication over hasty accusations, noting that many conflicts arise from differing perspectives and the human tendency to forget. The article also touches on the harm caused by well-intentioned advice being misinterpreted as gaslighting and encourages readers to recognize that not all advice will resonate with everyone's experiences.

Opinions

The author believes that the term "gaslighting" is often misapplied to situations that are not characterized by malicious intent or deliberate deception.
The article suggests that some people are too quick to label others as gaslighters, which can be toxic and counterproductive to resolving conflicts.
It is highlighted that forgetfulness, impulsivity, and differing perspectives are common human traits that should not immediately be equated with gaslighting.
The author emphasizes the importance of civilized conversation and mediation when dealing with disagreements or misunderstandings.
The piece argues that not all advice or shared experiences will be universally applicable or helpful, and that's okay.
The author stresses that most people do not have malicious motives and that it is important to consider this before making accusations of gaslighting.

Accusations of ‘Gaslighting’ are Flung about like Shit on a Fan

Some people just have bad memories

Gaslighting: a form of manipulation used in emotional abuse, which causes people to question their memories, judgements and reality.

I see many people on social media complaining about gaslighting, and feel that sometimes the word is misused, over-used, or taken out of context.

People often seem angry about the tiniest disagreements, and this can result in accusations of ‘gaslighting’, which pretty much ends any attempt at finding a resolution.

I wonder if sometimes these accusations make things worse. People do have different perspectives, our memories are fallible, and sometimes a well-intentioned suggestion might actually have merit, rather than be designed to undermine your feelings.

A disagreement about what happened doesn’t always mean someone’s trying to manipulate you or engaging in abusive activities. Some people just have bad memories.

Meet my mum

My mum is a case in point. I’ve spent my life being disappointed by broken promises — things she said she’d sort out and didn’t. Things she promised, then denied ever saying.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, it’s annoying. But it’s not always deliberate.

Some people just have terrible memories. And she often says something in the heat of the moment — something she might mean then, but doesn’t even remember later.

Recently, my husband was there when she did it again. She made an abrasive statement and then denied ever saying it, all within just three hours! My husband remembered it. I remembered it. We were both concerned by it. But mum was in denial.

A lot of shit went down in my childhood, and this behaviour didn’t help. Nothing was ever ‘sorted out’ despite numerous promises, and we were often clashing on things that were said and then denied. You couldn’t take her word on anything, because by lunchtime, she’d forgotten.

Impulsive, explosive, forgetful

I think it was mostly because she’s impulsive, and has a tendency to say whatever comes to mind with no thought, no meaning, and no intention to follow through on anything.

She prides herself on having been called ‘Bomb’ as a child because she blew up at the slightest provocation. She’s well into her 70s and still exploding. So, she overreacts and can’t remember what she said in the heat of the moment.

Frankly, it’s a total nightmare.

But is it gaslighting?

Some people would call this type of denial about what happened ‘gaslighting’, but I’ve always thought of gaslighting as a deliberate attempt to abuse and deceive an individual, with malicious intentions.

Perhaps the definition has been broadened in recent years to include people who are just forgetful, but sometimes, it’s not helpful to use this term, when the best form of mediation is to actually have a civilised conversation about the issue in hand.

Accusations of gaslighting are bound to rile the person on the receiving end and are unlikely to resolve anything.

My mum is not malicious. She’s just a slightly stupid, careless woman who cannot remember what she says from one minute to the next.

And actually, there are a lot of stupid people out there who don’t take care about what they say and have no intention of following through on anything.

Frankly, there are a lot of bullshitters too, who can’t remember their stories from one day to the next. Maybe some of them are malicious. But I believe there are more stupid people than people who intend to cause harm.

That’s not to say stupidity doesn’t cause harm. It caused me a lot of harm, but there’s a difference.

Offended by suggestions

Sometimes, well-intentioned people suggest a course of action that might be helpful if someone’s feeling blue, but they’re accused of ‘gaslighting’ if the suggestion doesn’t suit the recipient’s agenda or is perceived to undermine their experience.

Perhaps we need to take a step back. People make mistakes; people have misunderstandings, but there are better ways to sort out differing perspectives, than accusing people of gaslighting. That just causes further hurt and alienation.

It seems to me that some people are quick to drop the label, even to total strangers online. Let’s imagine that a Medium story triggers you, but the author has never met you and knows nothing of your experiences. They’re sharing what helped them, but it didn’t help you.

Just remember that it’s not about you, it’s about them. Everyone’s experiences are different. And the truth is, most people are not malicious.

Taking things as a personal insult

Some people will read an account of how someone in difficult circumstances changed their mindset; how getting a sense of perspective helped them to overcome their darkest hour.

I’ve known people take these stories as a personal insult because it allegedly undermines their suffering.

But if someone’s triggered by stories of other people overcoming problems by changing their mindset, surely they shouldn’t read those stories. The titles usually give them away.

Here’s one amazing example of an interview I did a few years ago for a Christian magazine. It was not written to undermine anyone else’s experience, but because it offers hope to other people going through the same thing. The Royal National Institute for the Deaf reproduced it in braille because it was so inspiring and helpful to people struggling with the same experiences.

Suddenly Blind: I Thought My Life Was Over, But it was Just the Beginning

Blindness brought positive change to Jim’s life

medium.com

Quick to judge

It seems to me that some people are quick to judge, to assume that people have malicious motives. But sometimes people say the wrong thing, and you’ve just got to try and work things out.

I think, especially with people you love, the fact that they don’t mean harm is really quite important. If you can get through the bad patches, it’s better not to accuse people of gaslighting… because that, in itself, is incredibly toxic.

Obviously, if you’re in an abusive relationship, that’s an entirely different topic. I’m talking about people who can’t remember, people who have a different perspective, and about total strangers.