Accountability: The Boomers Hate It, Younger Generations Demand It
Apologies for the generational thing again. It’s not that I want to vilify my parents generation: I do know boomers who have self awareness, take the time to check how their actions impact others, and can apologise for their actions when needed.
Unfortunately, in my experience, they’re the minority.
That’s a problem for those of the younger generations who demand better.
Generational divides are not a new thing — the “back in my day” mantra and cynicism over the wisdom of elders has of course always been there.
What may be different today though, is the way traditional connections between generations are breaking down in many families, as some in younger generations seek to set boundaries over toxic behaviours.
A recent Cornell University study, for example, found that around 1 in 4 adult Americans are estranged from a close family member, with suggestions, both by the lead researcher (as well as other social science articles I’ve read) suggesting that figure may be at the bottom end of a much larger phenomena — shame being a big reason for non disclosure.
Over the years, I’ve met numerous people who have walked away from relationships with one or both of their parents — disclosure about this perhaps occurring because I’m open about the loss of relationships within my own family, including my mother.
When I was younger, I would frequently have people say, “but she’s your mother”, with societal expectations framing the standard demand behind such comments, that I should just accept her damaging behaviours.
I hear this less now, perhaps because I’m older. Perhaps because things like divorce have become normalised too.
I think younger people are also just more open about estrangement generally, despite the shame still often attached, with younger people less willing to accept that abusive behaviours are something to put up with, in sacrifice to the better times.
I wrote the other day about Harry & Megan’s story, which at its core, is a call for accountability: the traumas inflicted by family on the one hand, are noted alongside a desire for reconciliation on the other.
In effect, Harry is saying: I still love my family, but I’m not prepared to put up with their bullshit.
He’s saying: here’s my boundary, I need you to respect it, and I need you to acknowledge past harms before I can trust in re-establishing the loving relationship I’m sure we’d both otherwise like to have.
The difficulty is that for many, accountability and acknowledging someones boundaries is a hard task, particularly those with any sense of entitlement that their needs and desires come first.
Generally speaking, I think younger generations are better at this.
Liberal ethics around the environment, climate change, meat eating, gender, race etc. and the desire for inclusivity and tolerance are reflections of a younger generation’s desire to do better by others than previous generations have managed.
There are boomers part of these trends too, but it is younger people driving these demands for change, and they are a reflective of empathy, as well as an awareness of the need to think about how our actions impact the lives of others.
Therapy, generally vilified by earlier generations, is also now a much more acceptable recourse for making sense of the difficulties in ones life (including harms inflicted, often by boomer parents) and the need for awareness around ones actions, including how to break the cycle of harm.
Silence protects the abuser
Silence is what has traditionally protected those who abuse, from accountability.
It’s not normal, for example, for anyone to want to leave family relationships — families are meant to be a place of refuge and our relationships, formed since infancy, begin there.
Perpetuation of abuse across family’s inter-generationally, has been possible because of this tradition of silence though, despite its horribly disruptive effect on relationships, including familial ones.
One of the hardest things for many adults, is coming to terms with how the people meant to protect us, could inflict such harms.
Historically — and still for many today — it was/is simply easier to suppress bad memories and attempt to get on with things.
I’m always amazed at people’s capacity to ignore awful behaviours in order to maintain their attachments, no matter how harmful their effects.
With social media and significantly greater access to information and resources today, more people are becoming aware of what is and is not abuse though and how such abuse impacts our well-being and our own actions and behaviours.
If you’re interested, read on about how I learned what abuse was and the steps I took to create safe boundaries for myself and my family:
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