Gossip for boxes
Accordion Babylon
Sexy squeezing scandals
Love — or something like it — at the contradance! Who was it we saw canoodling at the Yarmouth monthly contra dance? Olivia Hackenschmidt, who has made an avocation of romancing everyone on the dance floor with her accordionistic seductions, was seen in the kitchen between sets whispering something-somethings with a fiddler-dude of up-and-coming renown. Is there a Mr. Hackenschmidt in the making? Hundreds of about to be disappointed folk dancers await news, and dancing on tenterhooks is hard on the feet.
Make that Money, Honey. Squeezer Rolf Lensheim will be raking in the cheddar after signing a contract with the Swiss Miss Wisconsin Dairy Cabal to play at cheese festivals throughout the state this summer. According to his publicist, Rolf’s contract will bring “regional acclaim” and earn him “dozens of dollars!”
Roll Out the Barrel? Is that What the Kids Are Calling it These Days? Police burst into the basement club of the Oneida American Legion Hall, where accordionist Steve Quay played his monthly Polka-nalia. Reports of patrons in “various stages of undress” and smoking marijuana cigarillos were leaked by a patrol officer who remained anonymous because he was enjoying himself. Arrested patrons argued that they fell under the “sway” of Quay’s hypnotic spell. It was “polka-tastic,” said one 53 year old nymphet, “Who could resist?”
What’s A Kickass, International Accordion Orchestra to Do? The world acclaimed Red Bellows Liberation Orchestra — an agglomeration of 7.5 million totally not communist accordionists and concertina players around the world — found several of its Green Bay concerts cancelled when local Republican groups protested their “criminal, corrosive, corrupting, and crepuscular, communistic accordion conspiracy of critical cancel culture!” Bob Hoople, who has no knowledge of these events, said, “It starts with accordions. Then we’re providing free education to kids. And suddenly, we’re Venezuela. Do you want us to be Venezuela? Because this is how you become Venezuela.” Anders Anderson Andersonson, director of the Orchestra, said, “I don’t get it. We play only instrumentals. You see, this is what happens when the accordionists don’t own the means of production.”
Skeletons in the Closet? No! Bagpipes! Scottish accordionist, Scotty MacMac’nmac, had to withdraw from public life when it was revealed by a romantic rival that the bekilted lothario had once played, wait for it, bagpipes! We know! It is shocking! When confronted by photos of their son — holding a bag, lips wrapped around a blowstick, cheeks puffed out — MacMac’nmac’s mother burst into tears of rage, “Have you no shame!” she yelled at reporters, “Do your mothers know what you do for a living?”
Not Weird! Accordion comedian Garth Schmell assaulted a patron at the Mars Bars Club on Saturday night. The patron had yelled out, “Weird Al! Do Weird Al!” Schmell threw his 45 key, 120 bass Titano Piano Accordion at the patron’s head. Said Schmell, “No jury with an accordion player on it would convict me, I bet.” We’ll take that bet!
See you next week. Keep squeezing!