Absurd Cruise Ship Passenger Questions I Wish I Answered Differently.

What time is the whale show?

Not so long ago, I worked on cruise ships in Human Resources. One of the benefits I enjoyed was being able to walk through passenger areas onboard, and as a result, I often had the opportunity to speak with passengers.

My employee name tag helped. Some passengers love to try to get the skinny on what it’s like to work on a cruise ship. Bless.

Most of them were absolutely lovely. I met some fabulous people who were kind, respectful and interested in the world.

I also met people whose questions or unreasonable complaints really floored me. Just unbelievably dumb. But there you have it, these humans exist, and they walk among us. I felt like it was a bit unfair that despite being this ridiculous, they could afford to take the cruise, and all I could afford was to work on the cruise.

It was worth it, though.

I’m often asked to recount the craziest/funniest/most absurd thing I ever encountered during my time at sea. I have shared a few of my favourites here, some with the responses I wish I could have given but didn’t because…paycheque.

“Do these stairs go up or down? There’s no sign!”

What I said: “Oh! I’ll mention that to the office. You can actually use them to go up or down.” *smiles encouragingly to befuddled people looking at the stairs as though they might work differently on a boat.

What I wished I said: “You need a sign? Like, from the universe? Those are stairs. They work like any other stairs. Walk up, walk down, and arrive at your destination! I can’t explain this further without crayons.”

“I wasn’t told Alaska would be so cold!”

What I said: “Yes, it is brisk, isn’t it?” *smiles warmly at shivering people looking at the glacier they paid to see.

What I wished I said: “Alaska is cold? Really? Wow! Did you not notice all the icebergs and glaciers on the brochure? You know, the glaciers from the ice age? This isn’t Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, my friends; it’s ice. Now drink your hot chocolate and smile at the polar bear.”

“This is nothing like home!”

What I said: “This is different, isn’t it? An adventure!” *smiles sarcastically at person wearing ‘We’re #1!’ t-shirt with their country’s flag pictured.

What I wished I said: “You paid for a flight and cruise halfway around the world, and it wasn’t EXACTLY like your home country?! And the local food was ‘weird’? How dreadfully awful for you.”

Note: Ditto for the tools who fly halfway around the world, go out in port and then complain about the number of ‘foreigners.’ Hi. Newsflash: you are the foreigner here.

“What time is the whale show?”

What I said: “If you keep an eye out on deck, you can often see dolphins!” *smiles enthusiastically at person, walks away quickly to avoid further questions while wondering what color the sky is in their little world.

What I wished I said: “Every day at 2:00 pm. The dolphin show is at 4:30 pm. Wear a snorkel.”

“Yeah, we sent a sonar message to the whale/dolphin booking agent. We said we only want dolphins who do flips. Don’t send any lazy dolphins. We booked only the majestic whales. The whales willing to do unexpected jumps and make a big splash. We only want big splashers.”

Note to the booking agent: They should also be adorable. These mammals should look like the stuffed plushie toy versions that we’ll be selling in the gift shop at a ridiculous mark-up.

Many crew members have gotten similar questions over the years. Pandas in China, Koalas or Kangaroos in Australia and Moose in Canada. I’m not sure why some people think we have the inside track on whispering to the animals. Further research is needed.

And last but not least, is one of the most absurd requests I heard from my time on ships.

Geography is all in your mind. Maps are for nerds.

This passenger interaction happened to my friend who worked as a future cruise salesperson onboard. She had a customer who wanted to take a three-day cruise to Greece from Los Angeles. Let’s call him Bob.

I know, right? Still shaking your head thinking, ‘How is that even possible?’

Yup. Bob wanted to purchase a three-day cruise to sail the whole way from LA to downtown Greece — with a stop in Miami — and still have time to see “all that Greek stuff”.

By ‘Greek stuff,’ one can only assume he meant the ancient wonders of, you know, the Acropolis? Delphi? The Parthenon?

Bueller?

Bob was utterly shocked and furious the cruise line “wouldn’t” make this happen for him. My friend even tried to show him on a world map that this journey wasn’t possible within the itinerary and three-day timeframe he wanted.

Bob refused to accept her explanation. “I guess you don’t want my business!”

She later told me about this meeting, and we spent the entire cruise wondering if he would get lost on the ship and need help finding his cabin.

I’m able to report there was a happy end to the story for Bob. We got him home safely, and I hear he is attending his Flat Earth Society meetings via Zoom.

*author smiles at her monitor and realizes she has too many of these examples to fit into one article, starts planning the next edit.