About love for loved ones and toxic behavior

And yet, working with people is a great opportunity to learn, including from the experience of others. And even if you don’t study, then it’s an opportunity to remind yourself of the “right values,” and if not to yourself, then to focus on this and share it with someone. Not long ago I had a client. Let’s call him Oleg. Oleg loved to leave his wife in conflict situations. Every time, of course, forever. The wife, of course, cried, worried, and asked to go back. And Oleg condescended to her and returned. This went on several times. How did this situation end? Yes, in fact, just as it should have ended someday. At some point they simply didn’t stop him. And they didn’t return it. And when he tried to return, they still didn’t let him back. Radical, of course. It was possible to show that they no longer intended to tolerate such behavior and still try to somehow come to an agreement and preserve the relationship. But somehow on the terms of respect and greater environmental friendliness. It’s always easier to break up. But saving is more difficult. Destruction is generally easier than creation. But it’s hard to blame her. All patience comes to an end sooner or later if it is tested. And then Oleg comes all sorted out for therapy. He feels bad. Was Oleg thinking about his wife at the moment when he did what he did? About the fact that she is anxious, sad, scared? No. Or rather, he even wanted it. Did Oleg care about his wife at that moment? No. He covered his needs for confirmation of his worth, for attention. Did Oleg think ahead in these situations and how this could turn out for him? No. Only here and now. And after all, often immersed in our egocentrism, childhood traumas, neuroses, succumbing to the demons in our heads, we ourselves do not notice that we are acting cruelly to our loved ones. Or we don’t think about it. Because we don’t want to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Because we are drowning in ourselves. And we ourselves don’t notice how we’re ruining everything.

So what is the moral of the story? Just a reminder. Love those who love you. Try to understand them. In any ambiguous, emotional situations with them, ask yourself more often “what am I doing now? Why am I doing this?” and treat your loved ones more carefully. Not for their sake. For your own sake. So as not to later swallow the ashes of destroyed or damaged relationships, as Oleg is doing now. Learn to admit your mistakes and talk. Then everything will be fine with you. In general, right today or in the near future, do something good and pleasant for your loved ones. Just. With no reason. After all, pleasant little things are really important, and every person periodically needs to understand that he is valuable and important.