POLITICS | ‘MURICA
Abolish Iowa
Before it gets Mike Pence killed
Iowa is weird.
Having grown up in the midwestern US, I’m obliged to feel some regional solidarity with Iowa… but I’m not happy about it.
It is essentially a warmer, less violent, party-animal version of my home-state, Illinois… I hate it. But most of my hatred comes from a deep-rooted jealousy, if we’re gonna get all Freudian about it…
The point is, I’m sure Iowans themselves are lovely people.
However…
…the state itself is weird, in an incredibly annoying way. I mean, just look at their county map:
They would have 100 counties, were it not for that one grey monstrosity.
What did you do Kossuth County?? Did you eat another county? Unbelievable.
Nonetheless, Iowa is inexplicably the first caucus in the presidential election. Making it a high-visibility and, in theory, potentially game-changing result in the US presidential election. Thus, the state is showered with ungodly amounts of attention before elections. It is courted relentlessly by fringe-presidential candidates, in an effort to turn the tides in their favor in the electoral pre-season.
It never really works long-term. But that doesn’t stop ambitious politicians from jumping on the stump and trying anyway, nor does it stop us from enjoying their corny attempts to flatter this flyover state.
This decadent, drunken spectacle can be experienced firsthand before each American election year, at a nationally-recognized, annual, and creatively-named state fair in Des Moines, Iowa: The Iowa State Fair.
This year, all of the stars were there... Almost.
No sight of Joe Brandon, but RFK was out there doing crowd-work. Low-key sounding like a toad. 😬 I’m sorry but I can’t suffer through four years of a controversial president with a voice like that.
Donald Trump came out swinging. He’s clearly playing for his freedom at this point, and is as electric a stage-presence as ever.
Meanwhile, Former Vice President Mike Pence promised to visit every Iowa county.
Brother, @MikePence, your voters tried to hang you. It’s over! Go hide! For the love of God, whatever you do, do not visit every county in Iowa. You will die a martyr to no one.
If anyone other than Trump improved their stock on the Soapbox among the corn-people, it was the token “CEO candidate,” Vivek Ramaswamy.
His campaign is centered on a ‘ten commandments’ philosophy, which includes provisions such as “reverse racism is still racism.” Mostly just little PragerU-meets-Confucius proverbs that…
Which is a potent appeal, coming from a brown man, and received by a largely white, anti-woke electorate…
He’s pressing all of the right buttons, folks.
Unfortunately for him, America hates nerds. From James Madison to George H.W. Bush, it’s a tale as old as time. We only give them a single-term every half century or so, and we always regret it. CEO? Snore! 😪
Trump’s election had little to nothing to do with his business acumen. The “we need a businessman in there” argument was always an excuse for self-proclaimed pragmatists to vote for Trump. Don’t let them fool you.
The Iowa State Fair itself is hilarious, and it offers some much-needed lightheartedness to a stressful process. But it is also dumb, and should probably be abolished, as forces sitting officeholders to take time out of their busy schedules to pander to Iowa… My goddamn nemesis.
I say abolish it. They can have a regular state fair like everyone else, but this ‘first caucus’ bullshit needs to stop. Let other states get some shine. Make presidential candidates eat the delicacies of our most neglected state, Mississippi.
What do they eat? Fried dirt? Who knows! It would be a learning experience for everyone.
Love y’all 💚 Even the Iowans, and especially Mississippians. Peace ✌️