Abandonment, Selfishness and Jealousy.

I sit here, and our song is playing — Spit of You by Sam Fender.

I am sitting on the same stool, in the same location as when he told me he loved me. Yet, I sit here alone. The anger and seething feelings are bubbling under the surface of my skin. I am holding them at bay with a strong rum and coke. I sit and wait; I crave your attention and love.

It is not like you are off with another woman or out drinking with your mates. You are in the hospital at the bedside of your father.

Having lost my mother 24 months ago, I want to speak to her two to three times per day at least — and we were not close. My partner and his father are two peas in a pod. He lost his mother four years ago. I cannot imagine losing both family members, probably because a single mum raised me. Whilst I knew who and where my father was, he chose the easier life, the one without my bitter mother, which meant a life without me. So, when I lost my mum, I lost my last relative.

I feel cheated as six weeks ago, I was in intensive care and about to be put into an induced coma and onto a ventilator. No one came to see me. My partner never took a day off work, just a couple of hours around 9–5 here and there. This week, he has had two days off at the drop of a hat for his father.

Do I feel selfish and jealous because I feel abandoned all over again? Am I jealous of his closeness with his father and the need and craving I have and need to feel loved? I feel jealous of the family closeness and excluded all simultaneously. It is like they have a secret code, and I am a bystander watching through a window outside in the freezing torrential rain, and no one is offering me a coat or umbrella, just averting their eyes.

So, I have heard nothing all day, and I am sitting waiting. No news is good news. Well, no, I am in the background, forgotten about. I have failed to be told that his dad is seriously unstable and possibly entering ITU with multiple organ failure. Now who feels shit after texting “Bring more coke on way back this evening please” to be told his dad might die and no, my partner isn’t coming back to his house where he deserted me this morning. And no, he doesn’t want me at the hospital either.

I feel like a spare unwanted part.

I am usually in control as my high-powered job commands it. Since relinquishing that role for a better work-life balance, I feel like the shit in people’s shoes. I am still the same person, I can command a room, lean processes and streamline information. I have the knowledge and ability still inside of me, but I chose to be happy instead of a £70ph job. I now earn £10.47 and smile more. But it doesn’t give me the respect I once held by people closest to me.

I am learning to speak less because I am not listened to anymore.

I am learning to sit in the background, as that’s my choice.

I am trying not to feel offended by every little thing that is said and done.

I need to stop over-analysing people, words & situations.

And pray that my funny, amusing, music-loving, vodka-drinking father-in-law pulls through.

So… I am off to walk my dog by the sea and breathe….

#thememoirist

#memoir

#family

#love