Summary

The web content discusses the fundamental differences in communication and worldviews between men and women as explored by linguistics professor Deborah Tannen, emphasizing the importance of understanding these differences for better relationships.

Abstract

The article "If men are so good at fixing things… Part 2" delves into the distinct ways men and women perceive the world and interact with each other, based on Tannen's research. It highlights an experiment showing that male and female infants react differently to their surroundings, suggesting innate differences in how genders approach relationships and problem-solving. Men are described as seeing the world hierarchically, valuing independence and problem-solving, while women view it as a network of connections, prioritizing emotional openness and nurturing. These contrasting worldviews lead to different communication styles, which can result in misunderstandings. The article uses humorous examples to illustrate common miscommunications between genders, such as a man's reluctance to ask for directions or a woman's use of subtle hints. It concludes by emphasizing the need for strategies to improve understanding and relationships, with a teaser for a follow-up article.

Opinions

The article suggests that men and women have intrinsic differences in their approaches to relationships and success, rooted in evolutionary biology.
It posits that most men prioritize independence and status, while most women value emotional connection and support.
The author believes that the misunderstandings arising from these different communication styles can be both humorous and detrimental to relationships.
The article implies that by recognizing and appreciating these differences, individuals can develop better strategies for communication and relationship building.
It also infers that the book "You Just Don't Understand" by Dr. Deborah Tannen provides valuable insights into gender-based communication challenges.
The author encourages readers to reflect on their own experiences with miscommunication and to look forward to further exploration in the next part of the series.

If men are so good at fixing things… Part 2

A semi-scientific exploration of independence, inspiration and insanity

In part 1, we looked at an experiment where male and female babies responded in completely different ways. (According to linguistics professor Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., ALMOST ALL of us think of things in absolutes and are unable to hear qualifiers. For that reason I capitalize qualifiers, because not everyone fits perfectly into one category or the other.)

Books have been written about men and women being from different planets, but that’s inaccurate. I’d say we’re on the same planet, but exist in alternate universes.

Strangely (synchronistically? coincidentally?) enough, within a year of taking that class, I heard about an amazing book, “You Just Don’t Understand” by the aforementioned Dr. Tannen. She explains the behavior of those babies is a function of how humans see their own place in the world:

MOST men view the world as a system of hierarchical relationships where the goal is to do great things in order to climb the ladder of success (1). With this world view, traits like independence, problem solving (through logic and/or imagination) and strength (no emotional vulnerabilities) would be valued.

MOST women, on the other hand, view the world as more of a networked system of relationships, where the goal is connectedness. With this paradigm, traits like emotional openness, helpfulness, nurturing, intuition and strength (ability to endure pain without putting up walls) have the highest value.

Parallel world views lead to parallel communication styles.

And this can yield some pretty funny results. In the audiotape version of her book, actors play out roles typical of MOST males and MOST females in hilarious fashion. Here are a few classics, along with an explanation of the behavior:

Man won’t ask for directions, even though he is completely lost (can’t show incompetence)

Man invited an old college buddy visiting town over to dinner without first asking his partner (needs to show he’s an independent and therefore powerful person)

Man unable to comfort his partner by listening and validating her feelings (wants to help by problem solving)

Woman uses subtle hints instead of direct language to ask for what she wants (needs to create consensus for decision making, rather than issuing a command).

Women interrupts man constantly as he’s trying to tell a story (needs to show empathy by sharing similar stories and feelings)

And my personal favorite…

Woman tries to anticipate her partner’s desires instead of supplying critical decision-shaping information (2):

Woman: “The food was tasteless and the service was even worse. It’s just as bad as the last time I was here…”

Man: “What? You’ve been here before? Why did you want to come here?”

Woman: “I thought you wanted to come here. You suggested it.”

Man: “I just asked the question and gave you three choices. Even though I mentioned that I had heard about this place, I was letting you choose what kind of food to eat.”

Both people try to be thoughtful in their own way. But because they don’t understand the differences in communication styles, they completely misunderstand the other’s intentions.

It’s hilarious in the example above, but sad when I think of how many times we think we’re doing our best for our partner and they end up angry or hurt instead. So what kind of strategies can we develop to make our relationships better? Please look for part three in this series.

Thanks for reading this far. If you found value in this, please recommend this post (❤) to share this with other people!

Notes

And why is being successful so important? Because men have hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary experience that this is the best way to attract women.
Dr. Tannen traces this ability to read others’ emotions in research subjects as young as five years old! It’s a vital skill in creating connections. It takes boys a lot longer, and when they do, their response is completely different.

You might also like

If men are so good at fixing things, why do they keep breaking women’s hearts?