What Powerful, Terrible Leaders Have in Common

It’s being really bad at handling rejection

Like a lot of men, I have a long track record of sucking at rejection. Whenever someone said no to me, it was always THEIR fault that they didn’t see the best in me. I was great. They were foolish.

Back in the late ’90s, I spent a summer as a table runner at a restaurant in Western Connecticut to make beer money for college. I was, charitably speaking, an underwhelming employee. I took a lot of bathroom breaks to avoid the dish pile. I was too loud in the kitchen. I wore the same black pants and white shirt every day to fit the dress code for staff, and both garments grew filthier and more ragged as the summer crept along. I say all this with the benefit of hindsight. Live on for another couple of decades and you become much more objective in evaluating your younger self. But at the time, of course, I thought I was the BEST table runner who ever lived. I thought I deserved to be promoted to waiter. To OWNER, even.

I was not. The following spring, I called the actual owner to see if my old summer job would be waiting for me once finals were over. She said to me, in a disturbingly cheery voice, “No!”

“Really?” I asked. I was floored.

“Really!” Again, she sounded pleased to deliver this news to me, but didn’t bother to say why.

“Oh, okay. Well then, see ya.”

And I hung up. I got a table running job at a different restaurant that summer, but I still stewed over the rejection from my old boss. I told my mom I got turned down for a return gig and SHE stewed about it, to the point where she didn’t patronize that restaurant again until roughly two years ago. Even now, whenever I think about that lady (like right now!), I’m like man, she really sucked.

But she didn’t suck, of course. She was running a business, needed capable staff, and already had ample evidence that I was not capable at my job. I was the one who sucked.

I’m better at rejection now. Experience tends to thicken your hide. I shouldn’t have needed 43 years to take this in stride, but I’m glad I at least made it out of that gauntlet without doing any lasting harm to myself or to others (I hope). I don’t think the same can be said for a lot of other people out there.

The damage these people — particularly men — have done to the world has been staggering. You’re familiar with incels by now. They’re but one horrible manifestation of this phenomenon. It turns out that being terrible at handling rejection doesn’t stop men from becoming extremely powerful leaders and bosses. On the contrary: Harvey Weinstein obliterated the careers of any actress who dared to politely decline his advances. And Donald Trump’s entire reason for being is to exact vengeance upon anyone who has rejected him (it’s a long list). His presidency, and the culture surrounding it, is the culmination of Americans’ collective inability to handle being dismissed.

Rejection is an inevitable and NECESSARY part of human existence. This isn’t fucking heaven. It’s Earth. Not everyone here wants what you have to offer. And if you can’t learn to accept that fact, not only will you be rejected more often, but you’ll handle it worse every successive time. So here’s a guide to understanding rejection more fully so that you can handle it in the moment, learn from it, and move on quickly.

Every rejection is a learning experience

Instead of blaming the other person for rejecting you, ask yourself WHY they did. You don’t have to venture into the land of self-hatred to do this. Just try to step outside of yourself for a second and put yourself in the shoes of someone who’s ever had to deal with you. Take a clinical look at what they see, and CORRECT what they found lacking.

I fumed when that lady didn’t give me another summer of paid work. But at the next job I scored, you better believe I kept my uniform cleaner, took fewer bathroom breaks, and stopped singing out loud while running the dishwasher. I fixed my shit. Grudgingly, but I did it all the same.

Validation is usually not helpful

This is so, so easy to do online, to the point where Asshole Validation has become its own pandemic. Bad people see friends as yes-men rather than valued sounding boards. I used to cry to my friends all the time, quite literally, about getting the Heisman from this girl or that. And they lent me a sympathetic ear, but that sympathy only does you so much good.

When a stranger rejects you, they have no obligation to let you down easy or to say yes to you for pity’s sake. In certain ways, their assessment is more accurate than anything your buddy Chad is gonna offer. So please, do not use your friends’ encouragement as an excuse to miss the fucking point.

You’re in charge of how difficult the moment is

I’m a freelance writer, so I’ve had my fair share of pitches and job asks turned down. When that happens, I’m not like YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU WRONGED ME, BUDDY. I say, “All right, thanks for getting back to me on this,” and then I get on with my life.

There’s no sense in leaving a bad taste in anyone’s mouth after you hear a no. All you’re doing is validating their rejection of you. You’re closing every door and burning every bridge. People will talk. They’ll know you’re a defensive prick. And where will you be then? Still alone, and still unwilling to understand rejection as an opportunity to sort out where you belong, where your talents lie, and where you fit in the world.

It’s probably not about you

“It’s not you, it’s me” has been around for so long that it’s become stale even as a parody of rejection. But when people reject you, it IS of course about them. They’re looking for certain things in an employee or an actor or a MacArthur Grant recipient, and you don’t happen to possess those qualities at the moment. You are, innocently, superfluous to the enterprise. I’ve been turned down for work because I’ve been told, point blank, “We have no money.”

Sometimes that’s a lie, but you’ve met the 2020 economy. It’s not YOUR fault some places have no money. Rejection is often the result of forces far, far beyond your control. There is a good time to rebel against those forces, especially in terms of politics. But on a personal level, you do need to accept certain outside forces as fact.

Everyone’s a misfit

Ever talk to an actor? A singer? An unemployed person? A divorcée? You’re not the only one who’s been stung. The whole of modern pop culture now is rife with stories of rejects made good. Your ultimate comfort lies not in eventual success but in understanding that you’re experiencing a universal part of the human condition. It’s THAT knowledge that will not only help you feel better (if you feel like you need therapy to glean this knowledge, by all means, get it), but it’ll make you into a more assured person who is LESS likely to be turned away by the rest of society. Your status as a misfit isn’t unique, nor is it what makes you charming. It’s what you do with that time lost that will make you you. Swear off rejection and you won’t be human at all. Look at Trump. I’m not even sure Trump bleeds.

Rejecting people isn’t easy.

You think it’s fun making other people feel like shit? I feel bad shooting down TELEMARKETERS. One time I got laid off by my boss and he felt so terrible about it that I had to console him.

One day you may be on the other side. You may find yourself desired, personally and/or professionally. People are gonna want what you have, and you’ll have to learn not only who doesn’t deserve your consideration, but how to deliver that news to them. Think of all the people who rejected you. Did they do it politely? Did they give you a chance to listen to their rejection?

Courtesy works both ways. So remember that. Otherwise, you’ll just be passing on a strain of resentment that already has this country in terrible shape.