Why You’re Lonely Despite Being More Connected Than Ever

Today 80% of people struggle with loneliness, but we’re more connected than ever, so what’s causing this disconnect?

We’ve all felt lonely from time to time. Like you have no one to talk to or rely on. Many of us live far away from family, or the people we grew up with, or were never close to them to begin with.

The Roots of Loneliness Project says that 22–80% of people of all ages struggle with loneliness, with the highest rates being among under 18s. Today we’re more connected than ever, so what’s causing this disconnect?

As we get older it becomes more difficult to make new friends and connections. Busy schedules and lack of organic meeting places in adulthood mean we have to make a concerted effort to make new friends. It’s not like in school where you could easily forge relationships due to proximity and common interests.

As the world has become more connected via the internet, we have more opportunities than ever to connect with people. There are hundreds of apps for this very purpose.

However, if this is the case, why are rates of loneliness among young people getting higher every year? Surely all of this connectedness means it’s impossible not to have friends?

Acquaintances are not friends…

Yes, we are more connected than we’ve ever been but having someone watch your reels on instagram is not the same as having a support system that you can rely on. A connection on LinkedIn isn’t going to drive you to the airport or feed your cat for you.

Connections are not friends, likes don’t support you when you’re in need. These connections are meaningless without real world substance to back them up.

Younger generations are learning to interact through a screen rather than IRL, which severely affects their social skills and confidence in forging connections out in the wild.

An effect of social media is that it causes us to focus on superficial relationships over deep connections. People are only posting when they’re at their peak, when they’re succeeding, when they’re #LifeGoals, which causes us to fear being vulnerable with others.

Except, it’s impossible to forge deep connections with people unless we let them see who we really are. Another problem with seeing these life highlight reels is that it gives us a sense of FOMO that we wouldn’t have had without access to social media.

It’s social comparison making us feel like we’re not only lonely but also not achieving anything. This enhances our feelings of being left out, which in turn makes us feel more lonely.

The psychology of loneliness…

People say there’s being ‘alone’ and then there’s being ‘lonely’. Isolation by itself is not enough to make you feel lonely, provided you’re getting your need for emotional connection met in other ways.

For instance, many people choose to live alone and they’re perfectly fine. Whereas you could be surrounded by people and feel like none of them really ‘get’ you. Feeling the inability to connect with others is what makes us feel truly lonely.

Studies have suggested that the loneliness epidemic experienced by young people is directly linked to burn-out culture. The data suggests feeling lonely and unsupported at work and at home creates the unmanageable stress that leads to burnout. This in turn makes people less open to seeking out new social connections and becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of behaviour.

Studies suggest that being around lonely people actually makes your lonelier and more likely to self-isolate, like they say, misery loves company. So, with so many more people experiencing loneliness it stands to reason that the feeling would be catching.

But what if our loneliness is self-inflicted? Post-pandemic people seem to have become less outgoing and less willing to socialise and has led to increased levels of social anxiety.

Those suffering with social anxiety tend to isolate themselves in order to calm their nervous systems and regulate themselves, which further entrenches them in a loneliness cycle. So, what can be done to reverse this trend of loneliness?

Ways to combat loneliness…

According to mental health charity MIND, there are several ways to combat feelings of loneliness. First of all, don’t be too hard on yourself. Feeling lonely is already tough enough, so you don’t need to make yourself feel worse because of it. Making friends can be a slow process, so just embrace that it’s a marathon and take your time.

Find ways to make mutual connections organically, such as joining a hobby group, sports club or volunteering group that allows you to be around people with similar interests. It’s much easier to make friends through proximity and mutual interests rather than trying to force connections.

Often we struggle with making connections due to emotional unavailability and feelings of inadequacy. Just understand that your tribe will find you and not all connections are meant to be.

Just because it seems like someone isn’t a good match, it doesn’t mean anything negative about you or them. You will find people who fit you, so keep looking.

Finally, the biggest barrier to connection seems to be poor mental health. If you’re struggling to just get through the day, it’s unlikely you’ll have enough bandwidth to try to make friends on top of that.

Take stock of your life and assess if you’re taking care of yourself, this includes eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep, and in a working environment that makes you feel valued.

It’s okay to feel lonely sometimes. Just realise that there are far more people out there who are feeling just the same as you. So don’t be afraid to put yourself out there.

Thank you for reading.

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