A Widow on Her Own

Facing Invisible Grief Daily

So, unfortunately, your life partner has passed away.

What do you do now, ladies?

I am trying to answer that question. I am not the same person I was when my husband died. I can’t be that person, but I don’t know what is going to become of me.

How do you heal after suffering a broken, shattered heart?

How long do you wait for male companionship? Do you even want a man in your life? If the answer to this question is yes, then where do you find this special man?

How soon is too soon? What is the proper waiting time to move on with your life?

Can you even answer any of these questions?

I am struggling with these questions and thoughts daily. I still have a lot of living left to do. My health is good and I have many interests that I would like to share with someone.

You may be relieved to not be tied to someone and be on your own. Or maybe when the reality of being alone strikes you, you may feel like crawling the walls.

What do you want and need?

Is it sex, companionship or just a short term relationship? It is possible to have all three if that is what fulfills your needs.

Let’s face reality. Women need men for some things in life!

Whatever helps you to strike back at grief! A new companionship may help to deflect from your internal sadness. The heart is big and can love again. It may not be the love like you had, but it can be good and surprising.

My God, how long does this grief thing last? For me, it’s been almost three years! I know that three years is not a long time, as many widows have been alone for many years.

It’s different for everyone. I have a dear friend who is still grieving for her third husband and that has been five years. She would like the companionship of a man, someone to have a glass of wine with and intimate conversation.

Life is so very short to live it alone. Just when I think I have a grip on this thing called life, Grief comes along and knocks me down again! That’s a bitch!!

So, I get a glass of wine and try to figure out how to get a grip on these sad feelings.

For me, grief has held me back like drowning, being underwater and I can’t swim. Not being able to breathe.

Some days I can’t believe that my husband is not coming home tonight.

As night came on after he died that morning, I paced around the house like a caged animal. Everything in the house looked the same as it did that morning just shortly before he died. Nothing changed.

Only one thing was different. I was no longer a married woman.

I couldn’t figure out what to do next.

How to start a different life and what is it going to look like now that I am on my own?

Restlessness sets in. I have a desire to drive the wheels off my car. Get on I-95 and drive to wherever. I thought driving would help heal the internal pain. Runaway from grief.

Yes, I know you can’t run from grief. It is ALWAYS there. I hope there is a day coming soon that grief is a distant memory. I know it takes time.

I am angry at the way grief grips the heart and mind.

I am angry that my husband collapsed in front of me without warning. How could that happen, when his doctors all said everything was fine?

I am angry that we had no time to say goodby or I love you. No sound, no warning. Just 3 minutes before all seemed normal. WTF happened!!

So, here I am totally unprepared for life alone.

I get up in a new world every day, because I am having a hard time focusing.

Every day I think of something to do alone. I don’t know what direction I want to go. Do I travel or hibernate?

I can’t make a decision.

I want to move to another state, then I want to become a nomad.

Then I want to go to France. What the hell is wrong with me?

I am lost and cannot be found, because no one knows I am missing!

When I bought my house, I told my realtor that I wanted a place that I could just go in and close the door on the world. That’s what I’ve done. Not let anybody in until I’m ready. When will that be?

I have much empathy for new widows. Their journey is just beginning. Grief will be their new companion.

I finally have started enjoying a glass of wine or two some nights, as I no longer want to wait until I have a companion to share a glass with. That may never happen.

My husband and I used to enjoy wine together in the evening. I may never be together with anyone again in my life. Together can be a very lonely word.

I am desperately seeking a new version of me. Not sure that I know what that will look like, as I have changed.

Sadness and grief reflect in your face and eyes.

The eyes are the windows to your soul and if you are hurting deeply, it most certainly shows in your eyes. Looking into my eyes may be like looking into a hollow cave. Dark and unfeeling.

I feel dead inside. Just trying to get by.

My husband taught me many things, but he didn’t teach me how to live without him. Is there an app for that? How about a manual? Maybe I should Google it.

I don’t think the almighty Google has an answer for this.

I still feel his influence on me daily. I can hear his comments.

What do I do with what is left of me? I seem to have a lot of time on my hands. I am trying to pursue other interests, hoping for a new direction.

I am making believe that this is all a bad dream. Must have been something really spicey that I ate before bedtime.

I know there are terrible world problems — the threat of nuclear war, poverty, disease, starvation.

My little problems don’t amount to a hill of beans and are terribly unimportant when you compare the world’s problems.

I feel selfish and inconsiderate when I complain to myself.

My sadness and heartache will go with me to my death. At one point, I thought about walking out into the ocean. I didn’t because I have an older dog that has issues and I know no one would care for him or respect him. He was my husband’s dog. I can’t abandon him.

My husband left me in the second prime of my life. We still had many things to talk about and adventures to take.

I have started listening to country music again instead of classical. Country music is all about love affairs. Some sadness. Some happiness. Is there hope for the rest of us?

In order to carry on living, I need a partner, because my life plans were for two, not one. It’s impossible for anyone to fill my husband’s shoes.

I will have to adjust to a new relationship and get to know a new person who will have new ideas and interests.

Would a new partner help to end this grief journey? Who really knows the answer to that?

I don’t want to travel with grief for the rest of my life.

I am tired of feeling sad. I want to laugh, deeply laugh. I want to be flirted with and flirt back!

I would like to feel alive.

Everyone always says that your husband would want you to go on living without him. Tell me how? What does living without him look like?

I don’t like being a spare at a dinner party. It throws off the seating arrangement — boy girl, boy girl. Also, a new widow may appear to be a threat to many women. So, pretty soon the invitations stop coming.

So, I guess it’s time to make some new friends!

The bar scene was never my thing alone, so I guess there’s always dating sites. I remember the personal columns in the newspapers many years ago. There were no pictures and very little copy to read. I don’t know their success rate. Probably not as good as the dating sites online today.

I have heard many success stories about online dating and many horror stories as well. It’s all a crap shoot! Some of the pictures online look like they are all escaped convicts! Why is everybody taking pictures in the bathroom? Very creative, I must say!

I tell myself how nice it is to not be cooking and cleaning for someone else. Truth is that I do miss cooking and eating. I don’t cook at all, so therefore there is very little to eat in my house. Meals that I used to enjoy with my husband are distant memories.

I made tomato soup when my husband first died, as I could not swallow anything and I did not want to prepare any recipes that I had made for him. I never made homemade tomato soup, so I ate that for 3 months.

Death and grief make strange dining partners. I stopped sitting at our dining room table. Mostly I sit on the edge of the bed or stand at the sink to eat toast for breakfast. Circumstances change our life drastically.

We had no children and no longer have living family members. So I am totally alone, trying to navigate this journey of being alone and making sense of it all.

Looking at my GPS for direction! Where do I turn?

The season is changing and Winter is approaching. Another year gone. The calendar pages keep flipping over. My husband and I always enjoyed the first snow fall, sitting in front of a blazing fireplace with a glass of wine.

It’s the little things that I miss the most. Making plans for when he retired, we were going to do this and that, but not now. It’s all so unfair. I regret not using the time better when we had it instead of always postponing plans.

Bitter lessons learned too late. At the end of the day, what matters most?

That’s a question I can’t answer just yet.