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Abstract

impression that I moved to a free, modern, forward-thinking country that, similarly to every other such place in the world, <b>uses the goddamn metric system.</b> How am I supposed to know what 6'5" even means?</p><p id="6893">Turns out it’s some kind of weird American code for height. And not being the girl who automatically thinks that tall men=attractive men, I never understood why guys felt the need to put their height in their profiles in the first place.</p><p id="0b8e">That was until I moved to Perth, where I realized that dudes shorter than me actually exist, and whoever doesn’t disclose their height in their profile is probably short enough to suffer from a Napoleon complex.</p><p id="37b5">Men, I’m glad you’re so proud of the amount of milk you drank as a kid. Just <i>please</i> save the ignorant European work and type it out for me in centimeters.</p><h2 id="eeb0">If you like pizza and music, we will get along</h2><p id="c1c2">I‘m still not sure whether this bio showcases someone’s profound lack of personality or the marketing genius of somebody whose goal is to appeal to the largest possible audience so they are vague and generic on purpose to increase their chances of scoring a “pizza, music & chill”.</p><p id="c19d">But there is one major flaw in that logic. They are automatically excluding that pesky minority of girls like me who aren’t particularly fond of pizza or boring-ass dudes.</p><p id="afd4">Here’s a humble suggestion on how to fix it — “<i>if you have a pulse and enjoy breathing, we will get along</i>” is way more inclusive. The true 2020 way to go. Once you change your bio to that, even someone allergic to gluten won’t be able to resist you!</p><h2 id="836d">Just a country boy living the country life, mate!</h2><p id="ce7d">If that’s the case, Trent, what are you doing in the city? Why don’t you load your surfboard into your pickup truck and go back to your village called Dampier?</p><p id="5f84">Up until this point, I have been sheltered from the cruel reality in which I’ve only ever been exposed to the “country lifestyle” through music. And I wasn’t about to take any chances of experiencing it for myself, so I moved to a 2 million city. Duh.</p><p id="b2c1">But the joke is on me. As it turns out, Perth is, in fact, <i>not</i> a city. It’s a place for country people to drive their trucks to and live their country life in harmony with 2 million other country people. I’m just a city girl in a country world who has been bamboozled and set up for failur

Options

e from the start.</p><figure id="7ff3"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*sAkOMtHTfpgWiRih"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@noaa?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">NOAA</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="69ef">If Covid-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?</h2><p id="696a">I admit, it was a funny pickup line when I first saw it back in March. It was endearing until I started seeing this one line multiple times every time I checked the app. Then it became annoying real quick.</p><p id="1569">So annoying in fact that I had to take a resolute stance against it. My profile now clearly says “<i>no, you can’t take me out if Covid-19 doesn’t, I’ll probably off myself by then</i>”. Haha. They don’t know I’m not even kidding.</p><p id="fdcd">The problem would be solved… if only those men ever read my bio.</p><h2 id="5755">Let’s go on an adventure</h2><p id="6402">Okay, I get it, everyone and their mama is a world traveler.</p><p id="42ca">Or at least everyone was one back in 2019. But now it’s the isolated 20’s, a brand new era in which you need to find another vague identity to impress all those girls who once dreamed of being taken on an adventurous vacation to Kuta.</p><p id="f0a2">Half of the guys who describe themselves as travelers seem to be fairly well-traveled and adventurous, but they fail to tell us anything else about themselves apart from enjoying spending way too much time in public transport and sleeping in 20-bed dorms.</p><p id="d014">The other half is just people who once went to Southeast Asia for a week to get hammered from cheap booze and it’s the only semi-interesting thing that has ever happened in their life.</p><p id="b638">But sure, Lachlan, tell me about all the places (in Bali) we are going to visit together once the pandemic is over. I can’t wait.</p><h2 id="cab6">What’s there left to swipe</h2><p id="02c6">I know you are now dying to ask me — once you filter out, all the fish-catching, pizza-loving, 10'11" bogan travelers of the online dating world, what options does a girl realistically have?</p><p id="2d7c">Why, I’m happy to answer that. Of course, the only blokes left to sweep you off your feet are <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-homewrecked-a-polyamorous-relationship-817f46a36d7a">the ones that are already in a relationship but conveniently don’t tell you about it</a>. You’re welcome. Go Straya.</p></article></body>

A Very Niche Online Dating Report

Dating apps. During a pandemic. In Australia. Nuff said.

I will never dismiss dating apps as an illegitimate source of meeting new people. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have met and dated a man who owned a Ferrari, or a few moderately famous guys, or that one person who was genuinely nice so I dumped him.

But never have I ever done as much swiping as I’ve been doing since I moved to Perth, Western Australia end entered the lockdown. Thanks to the isolation, I now have unlimited time and resources to study the online dating scene in the world’s most remote city. And I have no actual offline life to make up for it, so the men in my phone are temporarily benefiting from my undivided attention.

And I wonder, is it the pandemic, the location, the devil apps, or the unusually large sample size of screened men that makes me feel like there are no eligible bachelors in my area?

Like a little Alice in Tinderland with a kangaroo twist, I am extremely confused about the world I have uncovered. Is it even possible in this climate that one faithful arvo in Rona-ridden Straya, a sheila in iso is going to swipe right on her Crocodile Dundee charming?

Probably not. But she will very likely run into one of these dudes.

I caught fish

Okay, I’m cheating on this one. I know for a fact that the fish issue is not exclusive to Australia. Not even my beautiful, landlocked home country was able to avoid this cancer of online dating — so many beautiful freshwater carps, pikes, and catfish to be showcased for your potential sexual partners to admire.

But it is statistically proven that 99% of straight dudes showing fish on their dating profiles don’t ever get laid once in their lives. The remaining 1% is reserved for women who have a fish fetish and join these apps to make their wildest, wettest, and splashiest dreams come true.

It’s a fact, look it up.

6’5"

Excuse me what the heck?

I was under the impression that I moved to a free, modern, forward-thinking country that, similarly to every other such place in the world, uses the goddamn metric system. How am I supposed to know what 6'5" even means?

Turns out it’s some kind of weird American code for height. And not being the girl who automatically thinks that tall men=attractive men, I never understood why guys felt the need to put their height in their profiles in the first place.

That was until I moved to Perth, where I realized that dudes shorter than me actually exist, and whoever doesn’t disclose their height in their profile is probably short enough to suffer from a Napoleon complex.

Men, I’m glad you’re so proud of the amount of milk you drank as a kid. Just please save the ignorant European work and type it out for me in centimeters.

If you like pizza and music, we will get along

I‘m still not sure whether this bio showcases someone’s profound lack of personality or the marketing genius of somebody whose goal is to appeal to the largest possible audience so they are vague and generic on purpose to increase their chances of scoring a “pizza, music & chill”.

But there is one major flaw in that logic. They are automatically excluding that pesky minority of girls like me who aren’t particularly fond of pizza or boring-ass dudes.

Here’s a humble suggestion on how to fix it — “if you have a pulse and enjoy breathing, we will get along” is way more inclusive. The true 2020 way to go. Once you change your bio to that, even someone allergic to gluten won’t be able to resist you!

Just a country boy living the country life, mate!

If that’s the case, Trent, what are you doing in the city? Why don’t you load your surfboard into your pickup truck and go back to your village called Dampier?

Up until this point, I have been sheltered from the cruel reality in which I’ve only ever been exposed to the “country lifestyle” through music. And I wasn’t about to take any chances of experiencing it for myself, so I moved to a 2 million city. Duh.

But the joke is on me. As it turns out, Perth is, in fact, not a city. It’s a place for country people to drive their trucks to and live their country life in harmony with 2 million other country people. I’m just a city girl in a country world who has been bamboozled and set up for failure from the start.

If Covid-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?

I admit, it was a funny pickup line when I first saw it back in March. It was endearing until I started seeing this one line multiple times every time I checked the app. Then it became annoying real quick.

So annoying in fact that I had to take a resolute stance against it. My profile now clearly says “no, you can’t take me out if Covid-19 doesn’t, I’ll probably off myself by then”. Haha. They don’t know I’m not even kidding.

The problem would be solved… if only those men ever read my bio.

Let’s go on an adventure

Okay, I get it, everyone and their mama is a world traveler.

Or at least everyone was one back in 2019. But now it’s the isolated 20’s, a brand new era in which you need to find another vague identity to impress all those girls who once dreamed of being taken on an adventurous vacation to Kuta.

Half of the guys who describe themselves as travelers seem to be fairly well-traveled and adventurous, but they fail to tell us anything else about themselves apart from enjoying spending way too much time in public transport and sleeping in 20-bed dorms.

The other half is just people who once went to Southeast Asia for a week to get hammered from cheap booze and it’s the only semi-interesting thing that has ever happened in their life.

But sure, Lachlan, tell me about all the places (in Bali) we are going to visit together once the pandemic is over. I can’t wait.

What’s there left to swipe

I know you are now dying to ask me — once you filter out, all the fish-catching, pizza-loving, 10'11" bogan travelers of the online dating world, what options does a girl realistically have?

Why, I’m happy to answer that. Of course, the only blokes left to sweep you off your feet are the ones that are already in a relationship but conveniently don’t tell you about it. You’re welcome. Go Straya.