HUMOR

A Typical Day During My Maternity Leave Vacay

8:00 AM: Think about brushing teeth. Feel overwhelmed. Make faces at baby instead.

Ever wonder how new moms spend all their free time during those luxurious two to 14 weeks of unpaid vacation that their employers so g̶r̶u̶d̶g̶i̶n̶g̶l̶y̶ generously give them?

A childless coworker of mine recently wondered aloud, “What would I even do with all that time off?”

First, let’s not forget that we’re keeping a tiny new human alive. So there’s that. But aside from this small detail, I honestly don’t remember doing much of anything. I sat around a lot. I thought about doing things. I felt overwhelmed. I had all the time in the world, and yet there was never enough time.

Each day went something like this:

3:00 AM: Wake up to baby’s cries. Nurse while silently cursing sleeping husband.

4:00 AM: Lie down. Baby whimpers. Try not to think evil thoughts.

5:00 AM: Fall asleep.

6:00 AM: Wake up to baby’s cries. Nurse while loudly cursing sleeping husband.

7:00 AM: Think about mailing thank you note I wrote to my mother-in-law three weeks ago. Feel overwhelmed. Make faces at baby instead.

8:00 AM: Think about brushing teeth. Feel overwhelmed. Make faces at baby instead.

9:00 AM: Nurse while listening to morning news. Remember a time when I used to care.

10:00 AM: Make faces at baby. Try to make baby smile. Baby is unimpressed.

11:00 AM: Nurse while watching People’s Court. Think about dwindling savings account. Wonder if there’s anyone I can sue.

12:00 PM: Read page 36 of book I’ve been reading for last eight weeks.

1:00 PM: Baby naps. Think about eating lunch. Think about doing laundry. Think about showering. Feel overwhelmed. Fall asleep instead.

2:00 PM: Eat leftover pizza. Nurse baby while watching The Maury Show. Be glad I know who the father is.

3:00 PM: Decide to go for a walk. Mentally review preparations required to leave the house. Feel overwhelmed.

4:30 PM: Finish preparations required to leave the house. Leave the house.

4:45 PM: Sun sets. Temperature drops to below freezing. Return home. Curse. Make mental note to have next baby in June.

5:00 PM: Read page 37 of book. Not sure what is going on. Reread page 36.

6:00 PM: Begin to make dinner; stop to nurse.

6:30 PM: Resume making dinner; stop to nurse.

7:00 PM: Resume making dinner; stop to nurse.

7:30 PM: Order pizza. Am asked if I want “the usual.”

8:30 PM: Begin bedtime preparations. Resolve to have baby asleep by 9:00 PM.

11 PM: Baby falls asleep. Feel sense of boundless freedom. Think about watching a movie. Think about reading book. Think about having a conversation with husband.

11:01 PM: Pour a glass of wine.

11:02 PM: Fall asleep.

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