SATIRE
A Trumpensian “12 Days”
Just desserts
On the first day of Christmas, Melania said to me, “Oh hell no, don’t you grab my pussy!”
On the second day of Christmas, Ivanka said to me, “Okay, Daddy, you can grab my pussy!”
On the third day of Christmas, Jared sent to me, Three stale bagels Two oily latkes and a card that says “Get outta jail free!”
On the fourth day of Chrismas, the Sock Puppet sent to me, Four monogrammed Bibles Three MacDonald’s gift cards Two of my own golf balls and a card that says “Get outta jail free!”
On the fifth day of Christmas, Baron sent to me, Five “fuck you” notes Four Slovenian curses Three soiled masks Two whoopee cushions and a card that says, “When you’re locked up, I’ll be free!”
On the sixth day of Christmas, Lyndsey sent to me, Six “fuck me!” notes Five cans of hair spray Four chocolate crullers Three whistle-blowers Two Maga hats and a card that says “Get outta jail free!”
On the seventh day of Christmas, Stormy sent to me, Seven full-on bush shots Six worn-out Trojans Five “fuck you” Tweets Four “Hair Club” gift cards Three blessed virgins Two plain-clothes vice cops and a card that says “You’d better take a plea!”
On the eighth day of Christmas, Michael sent to me Eight homemade butt plugs Seven pairs of flip-flops Six plastic combs Five dollar bills Four Diet Cokes Three bags of Lays Two tubes of toothpaste and a card that says “Pretty soon you’ll be with me!”
On the ninth day of Christmas, Rudy sent to me Nine doctors’ notes Eight cases of Lysol Seven Calzones Six bottles of Red Five Cuomo quotes Four dead goldfish Three MAGA jockstraps Two dead voters and a card that says “Get outta jail free!”
On the tenth day of Christmas, Tony sent to me Ten Evil Eyes Nine “Bah Fungoos!” Eight finger kisses Seven pissed-off Capos Six lessons in “class” Five poisoned Calzones Four of Birx’s scarves Three death count updates Two blue ties and a card that says “Lock him up and throw away the key!”
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the two dum-dums sent to me Eleven bottles of “Man Tan” Ten requests for pardons Nine (dead) endangered sheep Eight (dead) endangered tigers Seven (dead) endangered deer Six (dead) endangered lions Five (dead) endangered sea ducks Four (dead) endangered waterbucks Three (dead) endangered leopards Two spoiled grandkids and a card that says “Get outta jail free!”
On the twelfth day of Christmas, “Sleepy” sent to me Twelve eviction notices Eleven travel bags Ten maids a packin’ Nine Russians hackin’ Eight counts of Treason Seven counts of Fraud Six hungry lawyers Five orange jump suits (XXL) Four Weight Watchers points Three blue masks Two pieces of the Wall and a card that says “You lost, piss up a tree!”
HAPPY. HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE! STAY SAFE!
© Sherry McGuinn, 2020. All Rights Reserved.
Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.
