NONFICTION | MY STORY

A Trio of Events and Phrases Loosened the Clog That Stifled Her Voice

An empty nest, a cancer-riddled friend & an affair

For most of her marriage, her voice remained plugged up inside her.

She hadn’t always been this way. As a child, she spoke her mind. Curiosity and questions poured out of her on a daily basis.

Her husband neither appreciated nor nurtured that side of her. It rattled his need for authority and control. So he handled her inquisitiveness with dismissive words and let’s talk about it later’s.

But later never came so the voice remained clogged up inside her and feelings of not being worth it grew. Their marriage maintained this status quo for nearly 25 years.

Then a trio of events and phrases occurred which loosened the plug that held back her voice and altered the course of her life.

An Empty Nest

The first component of this trio arose when her oldest son headed off to college. Her mind fast-forwarded three years later to when her youngest son would make that same trek.

She envisioned the nest she’d created at home to be empty of its joy. A strong pull to follow her youngest out the door began to brew within her.

The words I need to leave crept into her consciousness.

A Cancer-Riddled Friend

At this same time, cancer raged inside a dear friend. An assortment of treatments from standard to experimental were administered without much success.

Through the flurry of appointments and doses and grasping for healing her friend’s husband firmly held onto his wife’s hand as he tenderly kissed her balding head. He showered his weary wife with care and concern through to the end.

And she suspected that if she slipped herself into her friend’s cancer-riddled body she would have faced that illness empty-handed. She witnessed the supportive relationship they had and she wanted the same for herself.

The words Life is too short rang through her head.

An Affair

The final push arrived in the form of an affair. She met a man who listened to her. A man who saw her value. A man who both calmed her and excited her. A man who affirmed her desirability.

The gulf between who this man allowed her to be and the constriction she felt within her marriage became so luminous she could no longer ignore it.

The words I’m worthy of more rumbled into her heart.

And when that trio of events and phrases cemented themselves into her being, the rusty valve that blocked her voice began to loosen and open.

Her voice didn’t release with a gush but rather a trickle. A quiet I can’t do this anymore seeped from her watering eyes and trembling lips. These words were met with So, you’re giving up? And Have you even tried?

Before this trio of events and phrases, these words from her husband would’ve increased the dam’s size. Guilt and shame would’ve shuttered her courage to disagree or speak up.

But with the valve now loosened, she tapped into a strength within her she didn’t know existed.

Yes, I’ve tried, she replied. For 25 years I’ve tried.

And I wouldn’t call it giving up.

I’d call it setting down a weight I can no longer carry.

kasey sparks, © 2023

This story is part of a series of stories I’m crafting as third-person narratives about events leading up to and after my now-ended marriage. Telling my story this way has allowed me to look at myself and the part I played through a different and more honest lens. As they progress, they’ll reveal how much my mindset has shifted and evolved over the last 4 years. The entire series can be found here:

Thank you for reading. To quote Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.” If you’d like to join me on the journey, click here.