A Treaty My Dog Will Never Sign

Summary

The article outlines a humorous set of rules and boundaries for a dog sharing a bed with its owner, including blanket distribution and sleeping arrangements.

Abstract

The author of the article humorously addresses the issue of sharing a bed with their dog, who has been encroaching on their space and stealing blankets. The proposed solution is a treaty that clearly delineates the bed into equal halves, with the dog restricted to the lower third and one quarter of the blanket. The treaty also includes rules against the dog leaving bones in the bed, jumping on the other dog's face, and pulling the blanket to the floor. The author threatens a tariff on Milkbones should the dog fail to comply with these terms, indicating a playful yet serious plea for better bedtime etiquette from their canine companion.

Opinions

The author is frustrated with the dog's behavior in bed, particularly the encroachment on space and blanket theft.
There is a clear desire for a fair division of the bed, with the human occupying the right side and the dog the left.
The author finds the dog's nighttime habits, such as licking pillows and leaving bones in the bed, undesirable.
The author is concerned about the dog's safety, joking that the other dog might eat the first if it continues to jump on its face.
The use of a "treaty" and the threat of a "tariff on Milkbones" suggest the author is using a playful, contractual approach to address the issue, indicating a light-hearted yet determined attempt to set boundaries.

We need to talk

We need to talk.

You’ve encroached into my territory far too many times and stolen far too many blankets.

We need to adjudicate these matters now or new sleeping arrangements will need to be discussed.

I am hereby drawing a new line of demarcation that splits the bed evenly lengthwise. I will take the right side, and you shall have the left.

Furthermore, all canines shall be restricted to the lower third of the bed. No more of this slowly sneaking up near my pillows in the middle of the night and licking them. No one likes rolling over and getting a face full of dog drool.

Also, you will be permitted use of one quarter of the blanket. If this not sufficient feel free to bring your own. You have several. Also no more pulling the blanket to the floor because you feel like sleeping there now.

If at all possible please refrain from leaving your bone in the bed after you are done.

Please no more jumping down onto the other dog’s face in the middle of the night. Because one day she’s going to eat you and I don’t blame her.

If these conditions are suitable for for you I will need your paw print on this document at your earliest convenience.

Should the signatory of this document break any of the above rules then we will discuss a tariff on Milkbones.